That Friday Feeling

The sun is out; I’m going to a party tomorrow; and it’s back to school for Spud next Wednesday.

The temperature dropped by six degrees last night – last day of August; first day of autumn.  I wonder if the calendar knows that?

I’ve had a fairly quiet week.  That’s great for my body; dull for my blogging.

What shall we talk about?

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Britain’s First Gold at the Paralympics

Was won by a Stockport girl, Sarah Storey.  Yay!

In contrast to that wonderful young woman’s achievement, rugs worth £1m were found in a kitchen not five minutes from my house.

I’m sorry; there was a typo on that last line – drugs worth £1m were found in a house five minutes away.

But wouldn’t it have been great if it was rugs, and not 10kgs of cocaine?  People getting high on Axminster and shag pile…much more civilised.

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The Blog North Awards

Map of Northern England within Great Britain. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Are open for nominations until September 7th.  I know some of my readers are from the north of England so I thought you might be interested.

From their blurb:

Anyone can enter a blog (be it their own or someone else’s) for consideration by submitting a form on this page. People can nominate more than one blog. 

The awards are only open to people currently living and blogging in the North of England. Our border is the southern boundaries of Cheshire and Yorkshire; bloggers who live south of these counties will not be considered. (Yes, we know there are a bazillion different ideas about where the north begins, but this is what we’re going with.) Bloggers from Scotland and Wales will not be considered. Bloggers originally from the North who had the poor judgment to relocate elsewhere will not be considered.

I like their style!  We northerners are nothing if not proud and stuffed full of our own importance.

I would nominate myself but I’m a northerner; I have too much pride.  

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The Emperor’s New Clothes Bag

From the Telegraph:

Jil Sander is now flogging a glorified brown paper lunch bag for a whopping £185.

Obscene.  That’s more than my monthly food budget.  Imagine how many Maltesers I could buy with that money.

Hattie is right: this is the silly season.

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That’s all I’ve got.  Your turn to make conversation.

Joke 526

 

From Will & Guy.

Advice For Women

Torso di Barbie (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• Aspire to be Barbie.  That girl has everything.
• If the shoe fits, buy them in every colour.
• Take life with a pinch of salt.  A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
• Go on the 30 day diet.  I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days.
• When life gets you down, put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
• Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
• Don’t get your knickers in a knot.  It solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
• When life gives you lemons, turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
• Remember: wherever there is a good-looking, sweet, single man – there is probably some woman tired of his behaviour.
• Keep your chin up: only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
• If it has tyres or testicles, it’s going to give you trouble.
• By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she’s wrong.

 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Urban

Dead Thorns (Photo credit: Bryan Gosline)

I have always lived in towns or cities. I have moved house twelve times in my life, despite never being in the military; always to another town or city.

My parents were from central Liverpool.  My Mum had never had a garden so she was delighted to have a small patch when we moved to Runcorn.

She bought gloves, tools and a sun hat and went out armed to the gardening teeth, ready to dig up a storm.

Three minutes later, she was back.  She stood in the dining room and gazed around, not speaking to us as we looked at her.  Finally, Dad said, ‘What’s up? Why aren’t you gardening?’

Mum replied, ‘I saw a worm.’

That was the end of her gardening life.

Our first Christmas there, Santa brought my brother and I a swing for the garden.  I remember swinging happily one day, then suddenly finding myself lying face down in the rose bushes, a plank for a neck rest.  I must have let go too soon.

Dad loved roses but he struggled to grow them, despite careful pruning, watering and the following of instructions.  Around his seventh year of no roses whatsoever, he lost patience and hacked at the lot with a spade and much temper.

Year Eight: a fabulous crop.  Urban gardens are awkward for the sake of it.

Once we moved to South Africa, though still in towns, the houses had huge gardens.  Dad used his to escape Mum.  And Mum encouraged him.

I have never had any interest in gardening.  We had an acre of land around our last house and all we ever did to it was pay someone to cut the grass.

I am a town girl, born and bred.  Nature is for farmers and unhappily married people and the odd weirdo like Pseu and Viv.  I relate to the Mike Harding joke about his first visit to a large park: We knew we were in the countryside because it had railings round it.

But one nice thing about urban living, besides public transport, a shop on the corner, pavements and regular refuse collections, is the council’s attempt to bring the countryside to the residents.  This is the tree outside my kitchen window:

I watch it change all year round, from season to season (plastic bags blowing gaily from its branches).  My favourite time of year is autumn, when it changes colour.

Then the leaves fall off and the street looks a mess.

Ah, the beauty of urban living: someone else cleans it up.

Joke 525

Dinner Fork in the Road (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Whoops!  I checked my scheduled joke last night –  time, punctuation, layout –  everything seemed fine.  

No joke this morning…  It helps if you check the date when you schedule posts, I find.

Here are some puns to celebrate the start of the Paralympics.

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From Pun of the Day.

• He has been a jogger for three years running.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

From the cartoon strip, Rhymes With Orange.

• Doctor to Gondolier: You’ll have to give up work.  You’ve got Venice elbow.

 

Of Mice And Lion

 

I thought it was April 1st the other day, when I turned on the news – apparently, there was a lion on the loose in Essex.  The stoic Brits interviewed didn’t run screaming in terror when they saw it; they went inside to get a camera.

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Then I read this in the Telegraph Online:

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A roaming “lion” which caused an extensive police operation after being spotted in a field in Essex is now believed to be a pet cat, with suspects including a ginger cat called Tom

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If it had been a big cat, there was plenty for it to feast on – from the Telegraph again:

London commuters were left fearing their toes may be nibbled by a gang of wild mice on the underground today…

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The sign was a prank, of course; but what I wouldn’t give to have seen hundreds of underground passengers with their trousers in their socks.

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A Tweet this morning:

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First black tights of the winter. Curse you, August, if that is indeed your real name

Jennifer Williams ‏@JenWilliamsMEN

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You remember I was supposed to be acting this week, for my church’s holiday club for 5-11 year-olds?  I was rather glad not to be there yesterday, when I read this Facebook status by my replacement:

Today’s bit of acting went well except for the fact that I swore on stage. My line was supposed to be about a “missing piece” and my good friend Spooner paid a visit with one of his “isms” and I said pi**ing miece instead.

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Also on Facebook:

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My cousin’s status this morning:

Got really emotional this morning at the petrol station, don’t know why really… just started filling up

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And another one from Facebook:

Related articles

• Farringdon tube mice cause rolled-trouser panic in London (theweek.co.uk)
• Police Fear Safety Of Essex Lion (ranknews.wordpress.com)
• Cartoon: Mac on the Essex Lion (englishblog.com)
• Essex Lion Story Provides Flimsy Pretext For All These Cute Pictures of Lion Cubs (newstatesman.com)
• Essex Lion Shows Up on Twitter, Gets More Than 36,000 Followers (mashable.com)

 

Joke 524

English: Farmer rolling his field Taken from the edge of the business park this photograph shows the farmer rolling his field. Orchard Farm just visible in the distance. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Versions of this one were sent to me by several people, thank you.

A Department of Water representative visits a farm and has a word with the old farmer.  “I need to inspect your farm for the water allocation.” 

“Okay,” says the farmer, “but don’t go in that field over there.”

The man from the ministry says, “Sir, I have the full authority of the Government with me.  See this card?  This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land in the country.  No questions asked or answered.  Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The farmer nods politely and goes about his chores. Soon after, he hears loud screams and spies the man from the ministry running for his life in the field, followed by an angry bull.

The man from the ministry sees the farmer and screams for help.  The farmer throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs, “Your card! Show him your card!”

Thinking Of You

 

Hurricane Carlotta Stands Out in Earth View (Photo credit: NASA Goddard Photo and Video)

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Two years and one day ago, I wrote this:

Thinking of my American readers today.  Stay safe.

Thankfully, you did. 

I can’t believe I have to say it again.

Stay safe, dear readers.

 

Joke 523

 

How Could You Do This To Me, Mum? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is from an email doing the rounds.  A group of primary school children were asked a series of questions.  Here are some of their answers.

Why did God make mothers?

1. She’s the only one who knows where the sellotape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?

1. We’re related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s mums like me.

3. He must have been tired that day.

What kind of a little girl was your mum?

1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.

2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least 1 million a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mum marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mum didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such an idiot.

2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between mums and dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but mums have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.

4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don’t have spare time.

2. She pays bills all day long.

3. She reads the paper all day.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?

1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. Her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

3. I like her when she’s fat.

If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.

2. I’d make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it, not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

 

Let’s Hear It For The Fridge Magnet!

My last modelling job

As you all know, given how much I have complained about it, I have had the busiest summer on record.  

This week, I was supposed to be hamming it up at my church’s annual holiday club for under-tens.  I had to request a sabbatical.  I am what is technically known in the business as knackered.

Today is a public holiday in the UK, the last one before Christmas.  Traditionally, Brits like to spend it barbecuing.  What Brits actually do is veg in front of the TV.

I am not a woman to let down my country.

See you tomorrow.

Joke 522

Poster from before the 1979 eradication of smallpox, promoting vaccination. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My friend Cliff  has a million of them.

A paediatric nurse had the difficult assignment of giving immunisation shots to children.  One day, she entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her vaccination.

“No, no, no!” screamed Lizzie.

“Lizzie,” scolded her mother, “that’s not polite behaviour.”

With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you!  No, thank you!”

L Is For My Real Name

sssh! (Photo credit: Stephen Dagnall)

The latest in my occasional series of The A To Z Of The Laughing Housewife finds me at my real name.

When I started this blog, I thought anonymity was a good idea (yes, the writing was that bad).  

I then told you every time I had a poem published, with a link if the poem was online; or a photograph of the page in the anthology with my full name in bold (I never use my middle name, of course – Vanity).

As I always use my real name when I’m published (and in my Twitter feed), I suspect the anonymity thing isn’t really working for me.

I might as well just come out and say it:

My name is Tilly, and I am a Linda.

Why do you use a pseudonym; and is it a waste of time?

Joke 521

 

Foreign Language Poster (Photo credit: SplaTT)

From ajokeaday.com.

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them.

The mother mouse goes, “WOOF! WOOF!” and the cat runs away.

“See?” says the mother mouse to her baby.  “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”

 

Five Word Saturday Evening

We got the house back!

All of our visitors, young and old,  have gone; lunch was successfully provided; the house is ours once more.

Hooray!

Thanks for the great food advice, everyone.

Now, what shall I serve the two fellas coming to watch the match tomorrow afternoon?

The Worst Meal Of The Day

Two visitors leave;

two more arrive.

The niece and nephew are being collected today.  They are lovely children and we love having them, but it will be nice not to have to make lunch.

Lunch is the worst meal of the day; I never know what to make.  I’ve already had cereal; I hate sandwiches; toast makes me queasy.  What else is there?

In winter, the Hub and I often have porridge or soup, but it’s too warm for that right now, even with the rain.  Yes, it’s worth offloading two delightful children just so I don’t have to worry about making lunch.

Around the time my young guests leave, two old ones will arrive.  The Hub’s sister and her husband visit us a couple of times a year.  They live on the Isle of Wight.

I guess they’ll be needing some lunch.

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For more Six Word Saturdays go here.

Joke 520

Another joke from Cliff.

Out bicycling one day with her eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, Grandma got a little wistful.  “In ten years,” she said, “you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.”

Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.”