Archive | September, 2012

Name Dropper

30 Sep
Name my Peas

Name my Peas (Photo credit: doolloop)

Molly needed to go out at six-thirty this dull Sunday morning, so I found myself watching Sky News.  There was an item about a gun bar in Las Vegas, where tourists can use a shooting range.  I mention it because the owner glories in the name of Genghis Cohen.

Is that not the best name you’ve ever heard?  Surely not his own?  He must have changed it by deed poll.

He is Australian.  I don’t know why that’s relevant; it just is.

INSERT: Checking Zemanta for pictures to illustrate this post, I discovered that Genghis Cohen is not the name of the bar owner, but of the bar.  What can I tell you?  It was 06:42 when I watched it.

INSERT: Is it bizarre that I can get confused about the name but know the exact time I watched the report?

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I’ve blogged about names before so, as it is a Sunday and a special day and I am bleary-eyed because of my cross-legged dog, I have cobbled together bits from four old posts for your delectation.

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Charlie Brown once said:

Charlie Brown

Charlie Brown (Photo credit: Air Force One)

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, “Why me?” 

Then a voice answers, “Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.”

You’ve got to ask yourself why a seven-year old boy is asking ‘Why me?’  It’s a little creepy.

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I wrote the next bit in January of this year; quite a few of these couples are no longer together.  Should the Hub and I be worried?

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Bennifer was the name for J-Lo and Ben Affleck; why not Fleckz?

Tom Cruise and Katy Holmes could be Cromes instead of Tomkat.

Zac Efron and Vaness Hudgens are nicknamed ZanessaFudge would be much more fun.

Brad and Ange are Brangelina; can you think of a better one?

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom have become Kerrbloom.  I prefer Bloke.

John Mayer got the nickname Johnifer after he dated Jennifer Aniston.  Was she Bran when she was married to Mr Pitt?

Reese and Jake are known as Gyllenspoon.  How about Reek?

Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman are Kurban.  I like Kidur.

I’m Tilly Bud, married to the Hub.

We should be known as Thud; or A Tilly The Hub.

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NEAT

NEAT (Photo credit: LEVEL !)

My given name is Linda.  Let’s see who skim reads.  It was given to me forty-nine years ago today.   My Mum’s friend had already taken Mum’s first choice of Amanda for her daughter, born a couple of months before me.  I never met that friend…

My name may once have been a diminutive of Belinda, just as I am a diminutive of a regular-sized person.

In Spanish it means pretty.

Before my head swells like a cobra’s, in German it means snake.  Also soft, tender, weak.  The Germans don’t miss a trick.

The Italians say I’m neat.  Thanks, Italy; I think you’re pretty neat, too.

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I have told the next (true) story so many times, I’m sure you all know it; but today I get to do what I like, so here it is again:

When I was a teenager I was friends with a couple called Colin Healing and Faith Willis; they were fairly serious until he asked her to marry him. 

She turned him down because she refused to become Mrs Faith Healing.  

*

The name of the Hub’s orthopaedic surgeon when he had his bike accident was Ponky Firer.  Thinking about it, his name probably still is Ponky Firer.  

Yes, it is: I just Googled him.  It’s thanks to him that the Hub has a working wrist; he inserted a metal plate and six screws and, so long as the Hub doesn’t get too close to any strong magnets, he’s fine (if he ignores the arthritis which comes with age and battered bodies.  Ah, age; don’t get me started).

Funny Greek sign at Food store.

Funny Greek sign at Food store. (Photo credit: SpirosK photography)

Do you have a name story?  Drop it in the comment box.  

Have a great day!  I’m going to.

Joke 556

30 Sep

 

Thanks to Charlie at Read Between The Minds for this one.  And to Australians, for their great sense of humour.

These were posted on an Australian tourism website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia?  I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

Location map of Australia Equirectangular proj...

Location map of Australia Equirectangular projection, N/S stretching 110 %. Geographic limits of the map: N: 9.0° S S: 44.5° S W: 111.5° E E: 155.0° E (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?  Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not…Oh forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.  Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.  Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)

A: Why?  Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…Oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.  Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.  Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.  All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so-called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

 

Book Review: The Host

29 Sep

 

The Host (novel)

The Host (novel) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m four years late with this book review.  I don’t care.

Stephenie Meyer – the Twilight author – is not a great writer: stilted prose, dated language, and there is not one character in any of her books that hasn’t rolled their eyes at some point.  I find it incredible that she has an English degree.

Which brings me to my Six Word Saturday:

I have come to a conclusion:

You don’t have to be a good writer to be a great storyteller.

I had no internet for much of yesterday so I leafed through my Kindle and found The Host by Stephenie Meyer.  I started it because nothing else tempted me; I could not put it down.  Just like the Twilight books, which I love; but I think I love The Host more.

The most peaceful alien invasion known to sci-fi-kind; an impossible love story; a heroine sweet, adorable but not at all cloying – what’s not to love?  Unlike Bella Swan, who, much as I like her, has my palms itching to slap her and my teeth gritting get a grip every time she bursts into tears, which is often, I want to hug away her grief when Wanda cries.

Meyer’s themes of identity and self-image are pertinent; she is gifted at the unexpected; her characters are likeable.  What a shame her writing is so poor.  

Fortunately, it doesn’t matter: when a book keeps me up until two a.m. because I have to finish it, I say, if the author, publishers and editor don’t worry about the writing, then why should I?

The book is science fiction with barely any science; a love story with no sex; much of the action – if it can be called action – takes place in one dark location.  

Read it.

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To read more Six Word Saturdays, go here.

 

Joke 555

29 Sep
Coconut Weather Station - Hawaiian Humor

Coconut Weather Station – Hawaiian Humor (Photo credit: IronRodArt – Royce Bair (NightScapes on Thursdays))

From weatherimages.org.

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program.  He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.  That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job.  The job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

At Least the Weathers Not as Shit as Yesterday...

Goswell Road Coffee, Clerkenwell, London, UK (Photo credit: gruntzooki)

What Big ‘I’s You’ve Got, Grammar

28 Sep

Before I begin this post about daft spelling and grammatical errors, I’d better ‘fess up right away that I am not innocent: reblogging Al’s post a week last Sunday, I took a poke at the spelling of his name – Cvillean instead of civilian – and I spelled it Cvllean, thus proving the rule that she who pokes fun at another’s grammar or spelling will get a slap in the face from her own slup-ip.

I was inspired to write this post by Janie Jones, who told us of her university cafeteria, where they serve Bisquits and gravy.

I was affronted on two fronts: the incorrect spelling, and the realisation that Janie lives in frontier country.  The sooner I send her airfare to come over here and visit me, the better: she can have chips and gravy, like cvllised people.

Not five minutes after reading her post, I was overjoyed to learn that one of my favourite writers, Jackie Kay, will be singing copies of  ‘Reality, Reality’  at the Didsbury Arts Festival.

Then I picked this up from Facebook:


I scheduled this post yesterday for today – although I wrote it a week ago and forgot about it, fortunately – because I may not get to visit you today.  Virgin want to work on something or other which means I may be without broadband all day.  Which means no internet.  Which means you may wake up on Saturday to a Tilly a little bit off, having gone cold turkey Friday.  Or not.  Same old same old.

Talking of off, sorry about yesterday’s post.  I didn’t mean to gross you out.  But you had your revenge in the comments.  You made me feel sick.

Same old same old.

Joke 554

28 Sep

This was sent to me by my friend Pam.

Charles and Diana's wedding commemorated on a ...

Charles and Diana’s wedding commemorated on a 1981 British Crown (25 pence). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1981 & 2005: Two Interesting Years

1981 

  • Prince Charles got married
  • Liverpool crowned football Champions of Europe
  • Australia lost the Ashes
  • The Pope died

2005 

  • Prince Charles got married
  • Liverpool crowned football Champions of Europe
  • Australia lost the Ashes
  • The Pope died

Lesson to be learned:

The next time Prince Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

It’s Time To Give Up Food

27 Sep

Two news items this week.

all but my 3rd finger from left has a growth

From The Telegraph:

A human finger found inside a fish in Idaho was traced to a man who lost four fingers in an accident months before.

A fisherman cleaning a trout found a severed finger inside and gave it to the police, who traced it, via the fingerprint, to Hans Galassi, 31, who lost it (along with the other three) while wakeboarding.

“The sheriff called me and told me he had a strange story to tell me,” Mr Galassi said […] “I was like: Let me guess, they found my fingers in a fish.”

I wonder if he sulked when only one finger was found?  It would give new meaning to the term trout pout.

Apparently, he declined the finger’s return.  

Sheriff’s Detective Sgt. Gary Johnston said the agency will keep the digit for a few weeks in case he changes his mind.

From our very own Stockport Express:

A horrified mum bit into a supermarket sandwich – and discovered she had eaten a chunk of a ‘hairy creature’ inside.

Katie Crabtree, 31, was shocked to discover what she believes was a small, dead rodent in her pre-packaged sandwich bought from Tesco at Portwood.

Euggh!  

Here’s a photograph:

Be honest: would you eat that?  Me neither; that bacon looks congealed.

I always avoid pre-packed sandwiches; I’m not keen on mayonnaise cardboard with a side serving of plastic (mouse optional).

On the subject of disgusting things in food, my family have a meal time saying:

I’ve got the hair.

My hair is so long now that, despite tying it back and covering it with a cap when I cook, some always escapes and makes its way onto a plate (oddly, never mine; it is not homing hair).  The family have got so used to it, no food is ever wasted.

If I find anything besides malt or chocolate in a Malteser, I’m going on a diet.  I’ll only eat one box a day.  Just to be safe.

UPDATE:

Accident or design?

Today’s quote when this post published:

Writing, to me, is simply thinking through my fingers.

Isaac Asimov

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