Name Dropper

Name my Peas (Photo credit: doolloop)

Molly needed to go out at six-thirty this dull Sunday morning, so I found myself watching Sky News.  There was an item about a gun bar in Las Vegas, where tourists can use a shooting range.  I mention it because the owner glories in the name of Genghis Cohen.

Is that not the best name you’ve ever heard?  Surely not his own?  He must have changed it by deed poll.

He is Australian.  I don’t know why that’s relevant; it just is.

INSERT: Checking Zemanta for pictures to illustrate this post, I discovered that Genghis Cohen is not the name of the bar owner, but of the bar.  What can I tell you?  It was 06:42 when I watched it.

INSERT: Is it bizarre that I can get confused about the name but know the exact time I watched the report?

*

I’ve blogged about names before so, as it is a Sunday and a special day and I am bleary-eyed because of my cross-legged dog, I have cobbled together bits from four old posts for your delectation.

*

Charlie Brown once said:

Charlie Brown (Photo credit: Air Force One)

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, “Why me?” 

Then a voice answers, “Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.”

You’ve got to ask yourself why a seven-year old boy is asking ‘Why me?’  It’s a little creepy.

*

*

I wrote the next bit in January of this year; quite a few of these couples are no longer together.  Should the Hub and I be worried?

*

Bennifer was the name for J-Lo and Ben Affleck; why not Fleckz?

Tom Cruise and Katy Holmes could be Cromes instead of Tomkat.

Zac Efron and Vaness Hudgens are nicknamed Zanessa; Fudge would be much more fun.

Brad and Ange are Brangelina; can you think of a better one?

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom have become Kerrbloom.  I prefer Bloke.

John Mayer got the nickname Johnifer after he dated Jennifer Aniston.  Was she Bran when she was married to Mr Pitt?

Reese and Jake are known as Gyllenspoon.  How about Reek?

Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman are Kurban.  I like Kidur.

I’m Tilly Bud, married to the Hub.

We should be known as Thud; or A Tilly The Hub.

*

NEAT (Photo credit: LEVEL !)

My given name is Linda.  Let’s see who skim reads.  It was given to me forty-nine years ago today.   My Mum’s friend had already taken Mum’s first choice of Amanda for her daughter, born a couple of months before me.  I never met that friend…

My name may once have been a diminutive of Belinda, just as I am a diminutive of a regular-sized person.

In Spanish it means pretty.

Before my head swells like a cobra’s, in German it means snake.  Also soft, tender, weak.  The Germans don’t miss a trick.

The Italians say I’m neat.  Thanks, Italy; I think you’re pretty neat, too.

*

I have told the next (true) story so many times, I’m sure you all know it; but today I get to do what I like, so here it is again:

When I was a teenager I was friends with a couple called Colin Healing and Faith Willis; they were fairly serious until he asked her to marry him. 

She turned him down because she refused to become Mrs Faith Healing.  

*

The name of the Hub’s orthopaedic surgeon when he had his bike accident was Ponky Firer.  Thinking about it, his name probably still is Ponky Firer.  

Yes, it is: I just Googled him.  It’s thanks to him that the Hub has a working wrist; he inserted a metal plate and six screws and, so long as the Hub doesn’t get too close to any strong magnets, he’s fine (if he ignores the arthritis which comes with age and battered bodies.  Ah, age; don’t get me started).

Funny Greek sign at Food store. (Photo credit: SpirosK photography)

Do you have a name story?  Drop it in the comment box.  

Have a great day!  I’m going to.

Joke 556

 

Thanks to Charlie at Read Between The Minds for this one.  And to Australians, for their great sense of humour.

These were posted on an Australian tourism website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia?  I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

Location map of Australia Equirectangular projection, N/S stretching 110 %. Geographic limits of the map: N: 9.0° S S: 44.5° S W: 111.5° E E: 155.0° E (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?  Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not…Oh forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.  Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.  Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)

A: Why?  Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…Oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.  Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.  Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.  All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so-called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

 

Book Review: The Host

 

The Host (novel) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m four years late with this book review.  I don’t care.

Stephenie Meyer – the Twilight author – is not a great writer: stilted prose, dated language, and there is not one character in any of her books that hasn’t rolled their eyes at some point.  I find it incredible that she has an English degree.

Which brings me to my Six Word Saturday:

I have come to a conclusion:

You don’t have to be a good writer to be a great storyteller.

I had no internet for much of yesterday so I leafed through my Kindle and found The Host by Stephenie Meyer.  I started it because nothing else tempted me; I could not put it down.  Just like the Twilight books, which I love; but I think I love The Host more.

The most peaceful alien invasion known to sci-fi-kind; an impossible love story; a heroine sweet, adorable but not at all cloying – what’s not to love?  Unlike Bella Swan, who, much as I like her, has my palms itching to slap her and my teeth gritting get a grip every time she bursts into tears, which is often, I want to hug away her grief when Wanda cries.

Meyer’s themes of identity and self-image are pertinent; she is gifted at the unexpected; her characters are likeable.  What a shame her writing is so poor.  

Fortunately, it doesn’t matter: when a book keeps me up until two a.m. because I have to finish it, I say, if the author, publishers and editor don’t worry about the writing, then why should I?

The book is science fiction with barely any science; a love story with no sex; much of the action – if it can be called action – takes place in one dark location.  

Read it.

&

&

To read more Six Word Saturdays, go here.

 

Joke 555

Coconut Weather Station – Hawaiian Humor (Photo credit: IronRodArt – Royce Bair (NightScapes on Thursdays))

From weatherimages.org.

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program.  He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.  That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job.  The job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

Goswell Road Coffee, Clerkenwell, London, UK (Photo credit: gruntzooki)

What Big ‘I’s You’ve Got, Grammar

Before I begin this post about daft spelling and grammatical errors, I’d better ‘fess up right away that I am not innocent: reblogging Al’s post a week last Sunday, I took a poke at the spelling of his name – Cvillean instead of civilian – and I spelled it Cvllean, thus proving the rule that she who pokes fun at another’s grammar or spelling will get a slap in the face from her own slup-ip.

I was inspired to write this post by Janie Jones, who told us of her university cafeteria, where they serve Bisquits and gravy.

I was affronted on two fronts: the incorrect spelling, and the realisation that Janie lives in frontier country.  The sooner I send her airfare to come over here and visit me, the better: she can have chips and gravy, like cvllised people.

Not five minutes after reading her post, I was overjoyed to learn that one of my favourite writers, Jackie Kay, will be singing copies of  ‘Reality, Reality’  at the Didsbury Arts Festival.

Then I picked this up from Facebook:

I scheduled this post yesterday for today – although I wrote it a week ago and forgot about it, fortunately – because I may not get to visit you today.  Virgin want to work on something or other which means I may be without broadband all day.  Which means no internet.  Which means you may wake up on Saturday to a Tilly a little bit off, having gone cold turkey Friday.  Or not.  Same old same old.

Talking of off, sorry about yesterday’s post.  I didn’t mean to gross you out.  But you had your revenge in the comments.  You made me feel sick.

Same old same old.

Joke 554

This was sent to me by my friend Pam.

Charles and Diana’s wedding commemorated on a 1981 British Crown (25 pence). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1981 & 2005: Two Interesting Years

1981 

• Prince Charles got married
• Liverpool crowned football Champions of Europe
• Australia lost the Ashes
• The Pope died

2005 

• Prince Charles got married
• Liverpool crowned football Champions of Europe
• Australia lost the Ashes
• The Pope died

Lesson to be learned:

The next time Prince Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

It’s Time To Give Up Food

Two news items this week.

From The Telegraph:

A human finger found inside a fish in Idaho was traced to a man who lost four fingers in an accident months before.

A fisherman cleaning a trout found a severed finger inside and gave it to the police, who traced it, via the fingerprint, to Hans Galassi, 31, who lost it (along with the other three) while wakeboarding.

“The sheriff called me and told me he had a strange story to tell me,” Mr Galassi said […] “I was like: Let me guess, they found my fingers in a fish.”

I wonder if he sulked when only one finger was found?  It would give new meaning to the term trout pout.

Apparently, he declined the finger’s return.  

Sheriff’s Detective Sgt. Gary Johnston said the agency will keep the digit for a few weeks in case he changes his mind.

From our very own Stockport Express:

A horrified mum bit into a supermarket sandwich – and discovered she had eaten a chunk of a ‘hairy creature’ inside.

Katie Crabtree, 31, was shocked to discover what she believes was a small, dead rodent in her pre-packaged sandwich bought from Tesco at Portwood.

Euggh!  

Here’s a photograph:

Be honest: would you eat that?  Me neither; that bacon looks congealed.

I always avoid pre-packed sandwiches; I’m not keen on mayonnaise cardboard with a side serving of plastic (mouse optional).

On the subject of disgusting things in food, my family have a meal time saying:

I’ve got the hair.

My hair is so long now that, despite tying it back and covering it with a cap when I cook, some always escapes and makes its way onto a plate (oddly, never mine; it is not homing hair).  The family have got so used to it, no food is ever wasted.

If I find anything besides malt or chocolate in a Malteser, I’m going on a diet.  I’ll only eat one box a day.  Just to be safe.

UPDATE:

Accident or design?

Today’s quote when this post published:

Writing, to me, is simply thinking through my fingers.

Isaac Asimov

Joke 553

 

From ajokeaday.com.

A Married Couple (Photo credit: josefnovak33)

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.  The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him.

“If you ever expect to cure your insomnia,” the doctor said, “you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”

“I’d love to,” said the man, “but my wife refuses to sleep alone.”

***

And to redress the balance, one from jokes.net.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.  He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.  If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die: each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.  Be pleasant at all times.  For lunch make him a nutritious meal.  For dinner prepare an especially nice meal.  Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.  No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.  If you can do this for the next six months, I think your husband will completely regain his health.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

 

N Is For A Number Of Things

Another in my occasional series, The A To Z Of The Laughing Housewife.

N (Photo credit: chrisinplymouth)

Normal Service Has Been Resumed

Headache has more or less gone and I’m back to blogging as usual, except…there are

Not Enough Hours In The Day

To allow me to catch up with your comments and blogs and to comment on yours.  Also, I’m

Not Feeling Great At The Computer At The Moment

I find that lately I’m struggling to spend my usual time at the computer, because my eyes burn with tiredness.  Basically, I’m feeling

KNackered

I’m waking early; I’m nodding off around ten at night and sleeping well, but feel like I’ve had none when I wake up.  I’m also

Napping

A lot in the afternoons.

Nice Choice Of Language From An English Graduate

Sorry about the earlier vulgarity – Knackered.  For those who don’t know the meaning, it has several, one of which doesn’t apply in a family friendly blog, so I won’t include it:

• Exhausted
• Reprimanded
• Broken

The first and third go back to the Knacker’s Yard – a place to send  worn-out horses for slaughtering.

If you didn’t understand Joke 548, re-read it with this explanation in mind.

So when I said

Normal Service Has Been Resumed

I was exaggerating a little because that is patently

Not True.

Your comments are still unanswered and your blogs unvisited.  You know, I’m

Not Keen On The Letter N.

It’s a big fat fibber.

L0066542 CO2 gas-powered artificial arms (Photo credit: wellcome images)

Now, I Just Want To Mention One Thing:

Do you read the comments other readers leave?  Even though I don’t always answer them, I always read them.  You should, too; they are often funnier than the posts.  

This morning, in response to today’s joke, Katherine Trauger told me the bizarre story of her friend:

We know a guy with an artificial arm…he lost his original arm while trying to escape from prison — he was shot…While he was in prison the second time, his original artificial arm was stolen from him. 

You couldn’t make it up.

News For Bloggers 

If you are going to be in London on 8-9 November, you might be interested to know that the British Arts Festival Association is offering free tickets to their conference for all bloggers.  Visit the website for details: http://www.artsfestivals.co.uk/bafa-events

Normal Service Will Be Resumed, I Promise.

Eventually.  I’d gnaw off my arm before I let you down.

Joke 552

Two from ajokeaday.com

A class photo of the 110th United States Senate. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, “Do you pray for the senators?”

He replied, “No.  After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people.”

***

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook.  “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items.  His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed solely by his arm.”

“Well put,” the judge replied, smiling. “Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant said, “Thank you, your honour.”  With his lawyer’s help, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Solitary

Why the Hub should be single:

 

But who could not love such a daft man?

*

*

Related articles

• Weekly Photo Challenge – Solitary (kattermonran.com)
• Weekly photo challenge: Solitary. (3rdculturechildren.com)
• Weekly Photo Challenge: Solitary (myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com)
• Weekly Photo Challenge: Solitary (hereandthere5.wordpress.com)

 

Joke 551

Sunset Police Car (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The following police comments were taken from actual police car videos, according to ajokeday.com.

• “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
• “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
• “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
• “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
• “Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
• “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
• “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo.”
• “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
• “No sir, we don’t have quotas any more. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
• “I’m glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
• “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

This one is for Ann McGuffy‘s Bill, from angelfire:

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11’3″.  They got out and measured their rig, which was 12’4″.

“What do you think?” one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. “Not a cop in sight. Let’s take a chance!”

I’m Not Cut Out For Bad Moods

Migraine Barbie has Snapped! (Photo credit: Deborah Leigh (Migraine Chick))

Sorry for the late joke this morning. I have an excuse.

All of that frowning over the weekend led to a migraine.  I was in bed by one in the afternoon yesterday, waking only for the occasional Migraleve and a bowl of soup from my beloved husband.  Not from him, you understand: he’s not some sort of walking chicken soup dispenser, à la hen-cow hybrid (saying cluck-moo, or coo for short. Or muck*).  He poured it from a can and warmed it in the microwave; but I appreciated the love with which he did it.

*Give me a break; I have a sore head.

I couldn’t face the computer long enough to schedule a joke.  If I can’t face the computer, you know I’m sick.  I couldn’t even face Downton Abbey.  The thought of Maltesers made me queasy.  Now do you believe me?

I wanted to try Big Al’s cure – take the tablets, then a shower, with the water spraying the face – but I couldn’t lift my head long enough to find the bathroom. Sorry, Al.  Next time, maybe.

This morning, the head is still aching, but functional.  Normal service will hopefully be resumed tomorrow.

I promise I’ll be in a good mood.  The headache says I’d better be, or else.

***

Re: Viv’s non-appearance to herself in the community board to the right.  

I’ve got nothing.  But I see you every day.

***

I’ve just checked: you’re not there.  I’m going back to bed.

Joke 550

From drpsychotic.com.

LEGO Pirates #38 (Photo credit: mac_filko)

A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.  While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth.  This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. 

Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!”   The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals.  Simultaneously, the Genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two castaways considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: “Now ye’ve done it!!   We’re gonna have to pee in the boat.”

XXX

A bonus joke:

How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears?

A buck an ear!   Arrrrrrrr!

XXX

And one especially for my American readers:

Did you hear about the new pirate movie?

It’s rated arrrrrrrr.

It’s that Tinman again, doing for Shakespeare and Harry Potter what no man has done before.

 

 

Worth Doing Badly

This week’s Daily Post Writing Challenge is “Stylish Imitation”, so here is the world’s most famous playwright telling the world’s most famous story…
**************************************************
Alarums, fanfares and trumpets. Enter Harry, Hermione and Ron.

Harry: When shall we three meet again?

Hermione: Next term at Hogwarts.

Harry: Oh, true. (they exit home for the holidays)

Enter He Who Must Not Be Named.

Voldemort (oops, sorry): Fast fare thy failure, Potter, with thy stupid scar
I’ll kill thee fore you can say, er “Nascar”.

Ghost of Nearly Headless Nick enters.

Voldemort: Sodeth off, thou twerp. (Nick exits, pursued by his career).

First Day of New Term. Enter Harry, Hermione and Ron.

Hermione: Grave news. (Holds up skull). Dobby is not to be.

Harry: Alas, poor Dobby. I knew him well.

Hermione: Not well.

Harry: I can see that.

Hermione: No, the word “well”…

View original post 297 more words