Joke 531

5 Sep

 

Cozy Reading Dogs

Cozy Reading Dogs (Photo credit: Enokson)

From dogbreedinfo.

A Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: A liquid that, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get drool on the human.

SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.

WASTE BASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.

BATH: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.

LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “Sit!”  Especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn’t get the attention you require…especially effective when combined with the sniff. 

CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

 

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28 Responses to “Joke 531”

  1. slpmartin September 5, 2012 at 04:17 #

    Got a good laugh at of the definition of “children”.

    Like

  2. terry1954 September 5, 2012 at 04:26 #

    that was so funny!!!!

    Like

  3. Carol September 5, 2012 at 04:30 #

    Perfect, absolutely perfect! Both of my furry doggy girls would second that vote.

    Like

  4. benzeknees September 5, 2012 at 05:24 #

    Love the point of view! I miss my Bandit!

    Like

  5. judithatwood September 5, 2012 at 06:15 #

    Precious! Thanks for posting this!

    Like

  6. misswhiplash September 5, 2012 at 08:16 #

    love it..great stuff.. I shall print it out so my dogs know

    Like

  7. idiosyncratic eye September 5, 2012 at 09:35 #

    To a d. 🙂

    Like

  8. sanstorm September 5, 2012 at 10:09 #

    More good reasons to remain petless.

    Like

  9. sharechair September 5, 2012 at 11:15 #

    Awwwwww. All cute except the doggie drool. My dog is not allowed to drool.

    Like

  10. Melanie Connor September 5, 2012 at 12:00 #

    Brilliant descriptions. Perfectly captures what my dog seems to think everything is for!

    Like

  11. robincoyle September 5, 2012 at 15:22 #

    Doorbell: The cue to start barking my head off.

    Like

  12. grannymar September 5, 2012 at 15:36 #

    I’m going to send this one to my sister, she will love it.

    Like

  13. aleafinspringtime September 5, 2012 at 17:18 #

    This is just too good! From the reincarnate dog. Sharon

    Like

  14. thefreshmanexperience September 5, 2012 at 20:46 #

    So true. I have a Shih tzu. I named her Feces.

    Like

  15. viveka September 5, 2012 at 21:49 #

    No wonder dogs are smarter than us … *smile – when they have something like that to lean and sniff on. Brilliant – big smile again and just what I needed tonight.

    Like

  16. SchmidleysScribbling September 6, 2012 at 11:56 #

    Looking for your address over here and found this post I missed. Great and right on target. Dianne

    Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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