Joke 536

10 Sep

 

Miss Haxby is holding a newborn baby that is i...

Miss Haxby is holding a newborn baby that is in an incubator at the Toronto Western Hospital in Toronto, Ont (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From jokesabout.

Pregnancy Questions Part II

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does labour cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it’s a girl, for starters.

Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.

Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s nappy very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

 

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18 Responses to “Joke 536”

  1. terry1954 September 10, 2012 at 04:04 #

    lol

    Like

  2. Judith Atwood September 10, 2012 at 05:30 #

    Never had kids myself, but at least two of my sisters love this list!

    Like

  3. taniamend September 10, 2012 at 06:08 #

    The best one’s the last lol but so true!

    Like

  4. benzeknees September 10, 2012 at 06:09 #

    Trying to tell us something Tilly? Two days in a row with pregnancy jokes? Ha, ha!

    Like

  5. sharechair September 10, 2012 at 10:34 #

    I disagree with the last one. My kids are through with college and I’m still not normal.

    Like

  6. kiwidutch September 10, 2012 at 11:54 #

    I breastfed Kiwi Daughter for 14 months… she was THAT late to cut her first tooth! The but about the terribe two’s is totally true…
    Weirdly enough it was Kiwi Daughter who regularly played the game to see if she could pee all over her clothes during nappy changes (before to new one was on) … Little Mr. did it only once!

    Like

  7. kiwidutch September 10, 2012 at 11:59 #

    ps. my kids must have a “thing” about producing teeth… Little Mr also got his first one after a year and now is over 7.5 years old and not ONE baby tooth is even wobbly, let alone gone!
    …(yes, X-rays revealed a full set of big teeth in the gums “in waiting” … the dentist is delighted, “protective custedy =no fillings!)

    Like

  8. grannymar September 10, 2012 at 17:19 #

    They are so funny, just what I need after a morning at the hospital.

    Like

  9. Three Well Beings September 10, 2012 at 17:31 #

    I have one from my life to add to this list! I was in a Weight Watchers meeting a few years ago and the leader asked the group how many of the women were trying to take off pounds following childbirth. I raised my hand with a few of the others, and the leader looked at me a little funny. I shared that I was carrying around 25 years of post pregnancy weight. ūüôā

    Like

  10. adinparadise September 10, 2012 at 18:16 #

    ūüėÜ Love that last one.

    Like

  11. Perfecting Motherhood September 12, 2012 at 02:53 #

    I enjoyed all of them but the last one especially!

    Like

  12. viveka September 12, 2012 at 18:57 #

    After this I think I made a good decision – not having any children . *smile – Very Good!

    Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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