Joke 551

25 Sep
Sunset Police Car

Sunset Police Car (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The following police comments were taken from actual police car videos, according to

  • “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
  • “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
  • “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
  • “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
  • “Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
  • “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
  • “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo.”
  • “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
  • “No sir, we don’t have quotas any more. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
  • “I’m glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
  • “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

This one is for Ann McGuffy‘s Bill, from angelfire:

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11’3″.  They got out and measured their rig, which was 12’4″.

“What do you think?” one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. “Not a cop in sight. Let’s take a chance!”

18 Responses to “Joke 551”

  1. terry1954 September 25, 2012 at 05:03 #

    i had a good laugh over this!


  2. adinparadise September 25, 2012 at 05:12 #

    😆 @ that last one. Thanks for the early morning giggles, Tilly.


  3. Rorybore September 25, 2012 at 05:18 #

    hubby had a good chuckle over these. His best line was when he had to give a ticket on Boxing Day and the guy yelled after him “But it’s Christmas!!” and he replied, “no, Christmas was yesterday” as he handed him the ticket.


  4. musings September 25, 2012 at 06:19 #

    These are hilarious! I’m going to have to read this to my husband.


  5. vivinfrance September 25, 2012 at 07:41 #

    Guns? for speeding? What is the world coming to. Violence begets violence. Sorry to spoil the party.

    PS but they were funny!


    • misswhiplash September 25, 2012 at 10:47 #

      Are you feeling better sound happier xxxx


  6. viveka September 25, 2012 at 12:04 #

    Wonderful …… especially the last – where we had a plant in outside Stranraer, Scotland … was there a low bridge and – it happen at least 5 time every year that a truck was stacked under the bridge, must been one of your drivers .. that never learned.


  7. katharinetrauger September 25, 2012 at 13:18 #

    Great! I can stop wearing makeup every time I go out, now! 😀


  8. Three Well Beings September 25, 2012 at 17:45 #

    Yikes! Some rather harsh comments, huh? Getting tickets while also succumbing to degrading putdowns…humorous as long as they aren’t directed to me! Debra


  9. benzeknees September 25, 2012 at 22:02 #

    Love the cop sayings! The one about the bridge reminds me of Bill Engvall’s “Here’s Your Sign” jokes – if you’ve never heard of him, you really need to check him out. He has one about a truck & a bridge!


  10. Tom (Aquatom1968) September 25, 2012 at 22:36 #

    The pretty woman one made me smile! And the Mickey Mouse one!


  11. judithatwood September 26, 2012 at 04:10 #

    My dad is going to love these as much as I do!!


  12. Perfecting Motherhood September 27, 2012 at 02:40 #

    Excellent! I forwarded this to my friend who is a cop. She’s got some funny stories of her own.


    • Tilly Bud - The Laughing Housewife September 27, 2012 at 16:15 #

      Do share!


      • Perfecting Motherhood September 27, 2012 at 18:01 #

        Overall, people say the stupidest things when facing a cop. They’re funnier when said aloud out, but here are a few.

        Once she slowly pulled her car next to a guy who was drinking out of a liquor bottle while sitting in the driver seat. The guy was so drunk that when he saw her, he waved at her and nonchalantly said, “Heeeey, how’s it goooooing?”. Classy.

        And there’s the guy yelling obscenities and death threats at his neighbor, who happened to be a border patrol officer, at 2am. He said he had the right to do so because he was doing it from his own property and wasn’t trespassing. Yep, that makes it OK, alright.

        And of course, you can’t avoid the guy who threatens to blow up his house and his neighbors’ houses at 3am, and is screaming, shoot me, shoot me! (they call it suicide by cop here)


I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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