Joke 556

30 Sep

 

Thanks to Charlie at Read Between The Minds for this one.  And to Australians, for their great sense of humour.

These were posted on an Australian tourism website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia?  I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

Location map of Australia Equirectangular proj...

Location map of Australia Equirectangular projection, N/S stretching 110 %. Geographic limits of the map: N: 9.0° S S: 44.5° S W: 111.5° E E: 155.0° E (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?  Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not…Oh forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.  Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.  Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)

A: Why?  Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…Oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.  Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.  Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.  All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so-called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

 

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47 Responses to “Joke 556”

  1. slpmartin September 30, 2012 at 04:10 #

    I still laugh when I read these…oh a mind is a terrible thing to waste as they say. 😉

    Like

  2. terry1954 September 30, 2012 at 04:13 #

    those were hilarious!!!

    Like

  3. jmgoyder September 30, 2012 at 04:20 #

    These are fantastic!

    Like

  4. Rorybore September 30, 2012 at 04:32 #

    This was ACES! so hilarious….I have company and we are all sitting around drinking wine and busting a gut. thank you for that.

    Like

  5. vivinfrance September 30, 2012 at 04:46 #

    Unbelievable. No, I reckon there are people that daft everywhere. In the late 1970’s my Mum visited the US – her first time away from UK. A kind man asked her if they had television yet in England! She turned to him and said “Oh yes, we invented it, in the 1930s.”

    Like

  6. adinparadise September 30, 2012 at 06:06 #

    It’s the same as people asking me if we have dangerous animals wandering around in South Africa. I usually answer, “Only two-legged ones.” (If they read our crime and road accident statistics, they understand what I mean.)

    Like

  7. Tammy September 30, 2012 at 08:02 #

    Hilarious…..

    Like

  8. Gabrielle Bryden September 30, 2012 at 08:22 #

    It’s great fun telling tourists about dropbears – haha – thanks, seen this before but never get sick of it 🙂

    Like

  9. Westie September 30, 2012 at 11:24 #

    You really need to be careful of dropbears, they can knock you straight off your kangaroo if you aren’t careful.

    Like

  10. grannymar September 30, 2012 at 13:12 #

    Thanks for the giggles.

    Like

  11. sharechair September 30, 2012 at 13:40 #

    oh, my …. I laughed so hard at some of these I cried real tears. (and then there’s the coffee problem, again….)

    Like

  12. Pseu September 30, 2012 at 14:09 #

    Hilarious!

    And soooo Australian

    We went on a short helicopter trip over he red centre. The ticket said that passengers had to follow all instructions given by the pilot very carefully.

    We climbed in – a two passenger, one pilot open sided helicopter and waited for instructions.

    “Strap yourselves in,” he said, and took off… 🙂

    Like

  13. Barbara September 30, 2012 at 19:03 #

    I have a nice photojoke for you, can I post it to your site?

    Like

  14. Cheryl October 1, 2012 at 01:42 #

    sooo funny I will have to share

    Like

  15. Three Well Beings October 1, 2012 at 02:30 #

    This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. Kind of makes you fear for humanity, but that’s another issue! 🙂

    Like

  16. lanceleuven October 1, 2012 at 12:54 #

    Oh you’ve got to love the straight talking Aussie’s! 🙂 Afterall, this is the country that invented the anti-littering campaign slogan ‘Don’t be a tosser’.

    Like

  17. idiosyncratic eye October 1, 2012 at 16:17 #

    I don’t know whether to worry most about the mindset of Australian officialdom or that of the public from around the rest of the world. But I don’t quite believe the reply about Australian snakes, for some reason. 🙂

    Like

  18. Perfecting Motherhood October 5, 2012 at 17:58 #

    Australians sure have a great sense of humor!

    Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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