Thanks to Charlie at Read Between The Minds for this one. And to Australians, for their great sense of humour.
These were posted on an Australian tourism website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
Location map of Australia Equirectangular projection, N/S stretching 110 %. Geographic limits of the map: N: 9.0° S S: 44.5° S W: 111.5° E E: 155.0° E (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not…Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so-called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
The Laughing Housewife 
I still laugh when I read these…oh a mind is a terrible thing to waste as they say. 😉
LikeLike
Thanks again!
LikeLike
those were hilarious!!!
LikeLike
These are fantastic!
LikeLike
This was ACES! so hilarious….I have company and we are all sitting around drinking wine and busting a gut. thank you for that.
LikeLike
What are you doing visiting blogs when you have guests??
LikeLike
Unbelievable. No, I reckon there are people that daft everywhere. In the late 1970’s my Mum visited the US – her first time away from UK. A kind man asked her if they had television yet in England! She turned to him and said “Oh yes, we invented it, in the 1930s.”
LikeLike
Ouch!
LikeLike
It’s the same as people asking me if we have dangerous animals wandering around in South Africa. I usually answer, “Only two-legged ones.” (If they read our crime and road accident statistics, they understand what I mean.)
LikeLike
I hear you, sister!
LikeLike
Hilarious…..
LikeLike
It’s great fun telling tourists about dropbears – haha – thanks, seen this before but never get sick of it 🙂
LikeLike
Hello stranger!
LikeLike
You really need to be careful of dropbears, they can knock you straight off your kangaroo if you aren’t careful.
LikeLike
I can’t tell you how much I laughed at this comment. You are going to fit in around here 🙂
LikeLike
Being knocked off your kangaroo is very dangerous. You could be eaten by somebodys pet crocodile, especially if you live South of Broome.
LikeLike
😀
LikeLike
Thanks for the giggles.
LikeLike
oh, my …. I laughed so hard at some of these I cried real tears. (and then there’s the coffee problem, again….)
LikeLike
Hilarious!
And soooo Australian
We went on a short helicopter trip over he red centre. The ticket said that passengers had to follow all instructions given by the pilot very carefully.
We climbed in – a two passenger, one pilot open sided helicopter and waited for instructions.
“Strap yourselves in,” he said, and took off… 🙂
LikeLike
I love Australians 🙂
LikeLike
Meant to say, that’s a great story. 🙂
LikeLike
I have a nice photojoke for you, can I post it to your site?
LikeLike
Of course!
LikeLike
How do I do that?
LikeLike
I thought you knew 🙂
LikeLike
No, sorry.. Otherwise woud just have sent it!
LikeLike
Hehe. Got a link?
LikeLike
Sent you an email…. If you didn’t get it let me know xx
LikeLike
No, no email.
LikeLike
sent it to:
thelaughinghousewife@googlemail.com
Will try again now…
LikeLike
Got it! Thanks.
LikeLike
can you get to the above link?
LikeLike
Yes, thanks.
I’d better use it now, after all of your efforts 🙂
LikeLike
Lol, you don’t have to…. There are lots of these going round, I save the ones I like to my iPad & when I saw this one I thought of you (Please don’t ask why!! I have no idea! – Possibly cos I met you via my auntie Grannymar – ask her to explain that one!!)
LikeLike
I will. Then you’ll be in trouble 🙂
LikeLike
🙂
LikeLike
I’ve emailed you! Hope it works 🙂 Barbara
LikeLike
Still no email.
LikeLike
sooo funny I will have to share
LikeLike
Feel free!
LikeLike
This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. Kind of makes you fear for humanity, but that’s another issue! 🙂
LikeLike
Oh you’ve got to love the straight talking Aussie’s! 🙂 Afterall, this is the country that invented the anti-littering campaign slogan ‘Don’t be a tosser’.
LikeLike
Brilliant 🙂
LikeLike
I don’t know whether to worry most about the mindset of Australian officialdom or that of the public from around the rest of the world. But I don’t quite believe the reply about Australian snakes, for some reason. 🙂
LikeLike
🙂
LikeLike
Australians sure have a great sense of humor!
LikeLike