Archive | 09:57

Smile And You Smile Alone

21 Oct

This is a reblog of a post from October 2010.

mouth

mouth (Photo credit: Darwin Bell)

We haven’t talked about my manky teeth for a while.  I have the worst teeth in the world.  When Americans whisper behind their hands about British mouths, it’s me they’re thinking of. 

I had root canal treatment on my front tooth, twenty-odd years ago.  Being dead, it got greyer and greyer until I begged my dentist to help me.  He suggested veneers – in the plural, because one’s front gnashers should match. 

I told my friend Flo about it and she thought it was a great idea until she spoke to her own dentist.  Next time I saw her, I asked her if she was going to have her own teeth done but she fobbed me off.  She didn’t want to upset newly veneered me, or make me feel uncomfortable.  I knew she was fobbing me off by the way she blushed and ran to the other side of the playground every time teeth were mentioned.

I never did learn what horror story her dentist told her about veneers, but I can take a good guess.  First of all, installing them hurts.  My teeth were sanded down to nothing and every time I breathed (which I do a lot of; there’s no getting round it) it felt like a gale force wind was prodding my pearly yellows with a skewer.  Then the cement used to stick the veneers on was so adhesive, it dried before my dentist had time to remove the excess.  My mouth spent weeks looking as if it had been grouted to match my bathroom.

Worst of all, the cement only seems to work on the gaps between the teeth: my veneers have fallen off several times and always have to be glued back on. I was on my way out one night when it happened again.  ‘I don’t know why it does that,’ I said to the Hub as I finished my chewy lollipop.

Smile

Smile (Photo credit: Tim Zim)

I don’t go out with a broken mouth.  It’s one of my rules.  My dentist agreed to fix it next morning.  She keeps a spare appointment just for me: I am forever losing crowns, fillings, veneers and bits of old tooth that I don’t use anymore.

I hope my children read this as a cautionary tale: brush your teeth twice a day for three minutes.  If you don’t, I’m warning you: I’m going to smile.

 

Joke 577

21 Oct

Great football commentary, courtesy of Will & Guy.

Football's Coming Gnome (earlier than some exp...

Football’s Coming Gnome (earlier than some expected) (Photo credit: dullhunk)

  • The last player to score a hat-trick in a cup final was Stan Mortenson.  He even had a final named after him, the Matthews final.  Lawrie McMenemy
  • It’s now 4-3 to Oldham, the goals are going in like dominoes.  Piccadilly Radio
  • I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in.  Terry Venables
  • It slid away from his left boot which was poised with the trigger cocked.  Barry Davies
  • We have been saying this, both pre-season and before the season started.  Len Ashurst
  • Well actually we got the winner up there with three minutes to go, but then they equalised.  Ian McNail
  • Ian Rush, deadly ten times out of ten, but that wasn’t one of them.  Peter Jones
  • It was a fair decision, the penalty, even though it was debatable whether it was inside or outside the box.  Bobby Charlton
  • Believe it or not, goals can change a game.  Mike Channon
  • Ian Rush unleashed his left foot and it hit the back of the net.  Mike England
  • Peter Shilton conceded five, you don’t get many of those to the dozen.  Des Lynam
  • Everything in our favour was against us.  Danny Blanchflower
  • I think everyone in the stadium went home happy, except all those people in Romania.  Ron Greenwood
  • John Lyall, very much a claret and blue man, from his stocking feet to his hair.  Peter Jones
  • We’ve got nothing to lose, and there’s no point losing this game.  Bobby Robson
  • Who ever wins today will win the championship no matter who wins.  Denis Law
  • Bryan Robson, well, he does what he does and his future is in the future.  Ron Greenwood
  • Wayne Clarke, one of the famous Clarke family, and he’s one of them, of course.  Brian Moore
  • So that’s 1-0, sounds like the score at Boundary Park where of course it’s 2-2.  Jack Wainwright
  • I am a firm believer that if you score one goal the other team have to score two to win.  Howard Wilkinson
  • We are really quite lucky this year because Christmas falls on Christmas Day.  Bobby Gould
  • Don’t tell those coming in now the result of that fantastic match. Now let’s have another look at Italy’s winning goal.  David Coleman
  • Wilkins sends an inch perfect pass to no one in particular.  Byron Butler
  • And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season.  Alan Parry
  • I don’t know if that result’s enough to lift Birmingham off the bottom of the table, although it’ll certainly take them above Sunderland.  Mike Ingham

And for those of you who protest that these aren’t  jokes, here’s a football joke (no, not a picture of the English national team) or three, from footballjokes.co.uk:

At the end of the day, football means not having to go to Sainsburys on Saturday.

*

A match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp.

However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends.

The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment’s thought, said, ‘OK – we’ll take the shallow end!’

*

The football club dance was in full swing when three strangers arrived and demanded admission. ‘May I see your tickets, please?’ said the club secretary at the door.

‘We haven’t got any tickets,’ said one of the men. ‘We’re friends of the referee.’

‘Get out of here!’ said the club secretary. ‘Whoever heard of a referee with three friends!’

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