Warning: Explosion Imminent

To those of my readers who don’t celebrate Christmas, I’d like to apologise in advance for December. 

Scrooges, look away now.

I love Christmas.

You have been warned.

What to expect from The Laughing Housewife in December:

• A decorated blog
• Christmas jokes
• Christmas cartoons
• Christmas stories
• Christmas pictures
• Christmas anecdotes
• A lot of posts about Christmas
• A lot of re-posts about Christmas (including this one)
• A lot of giddiness on my part
• A lot of lists (some naughty, some nice)
• A list of lots of things to do, mostly involving wine and hysteria, though not necessarily in that order
• A lot of posts which include the word ‘panic’ – it’s one day to Christmas month and I still have to find 25 Christmas jokes, Christmas cartoons, Christmas stories, Christmas pictures and Christmas anecdotes
• Red and green fonts

If this has come as a surprise to you, then it’s clear you haven’t read my About page: 

Christmas and Maltesers must be done to excess; everything else is showing off.

I’ve just made a connection!  Christmas is red; Maltesers are red – I’m not a greedy pig when I eat seven boxes of Maltesers: I’m re-living Christmas. 

Now pass me a bucket; I feel a bit green.

Joke 617

From dogbreedinfo.  

One man and his dog (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A man and his dog were walking along a road.  The man was enjoying the walk, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.  He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.  He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?”

“This is Heaven, sir”, the man answered.

“Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked.

“Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.” The man gestured, and the gate began to open.  “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.  You’ll have to leave the dog behind.”

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

“Excuse me!” he called to the reader. “Do you have any water?”

“Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there.”  The man pointed to a place that couldn’t be seen from outside the gate. “Come on in.”

“How about my friend here?” The traveller gestured to the dog.

“There should be a bowl by the pump.”

Man and dog went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl for the dog and took a long drink himself.  When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree, waiting for them.

“What do you call this place?” the traveller asked.

“This is Heaven.”

“Well, that’s confusing,” the traveller said.  “The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.”

“Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s Hell.”

“Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”

“No. I can see how you might think so, but we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who’ll leave their best friends behind.”

 

NaNoWriMo Update

nanowrimo (Photo credit: evilnick)

You may have noticed, after my first burst of enthusiasm, that I went quiet on the subject of NaNoWriMo.  Then again, you may actually have a life.

I signed up for NaNo to settle an argument: the Hub reckons I have a novel in me; I don’t believe I do.  I was prepared to fight fair and give it a real go.  Either way, I’d win: either I had a novel in me, in which case, hooray!  I’d have written a novel; or I wouldn’t, in which case, hooray!  I won an argument.

I won the argument but I couldn’t gloat because the Hub looked so sad.  He’s such a spoil sport.

The bit I have written isn’t very good.  That’s no false modesty: I’ve read enough tripe to know when I’m writing it.  I am a Twihard, after all.

I had intended to have a heroine only – Daisy, deserted by her husband, jobless and searching – but a hero appeared on the scene, name of Jack (a manly name; I made a point of saying so).

Jack was an accidental hero and it was incidental that he happened to be a traffic warden.  While I was still in the throes of writing passion in early November, I envisioned Jack and Daisy in their follow-up novel: Daisy works alongside Jack (it’s the kind of job you’d have to be desperate to take, which she is); they become sleuthing traffic wardens.  I doubt such a pair exist in literature – most writers want readers to like their characters.

I got to about Day 14.  I had about 12,000 words.  I took a couple of days off to do stuff that needed doing…and I never went back.  Every time I thought about sitting down to it, I found something else to do.

For a time the guilt hung over me: I signed up for NaNo; I should see it through; it doesn’t have to be great – it just has to be done.

Then I decided to say, ‘Stuff it!  I don’t want to do it.’ And I stopped feeling guilty.

Writing has always been a joy for me, even essays.  This was the most un-fun I’ve ever had when writing.  I’m not sorry I stopped.  

But I do like the idea of sleuthing traffic wardens.  Maybe I’ll sign up for NaNoWriMo next year and finish the novel.  The Hub is always saying I have a book in me.  It’s about time he won an argument.

Joke 616

These came to me via Pseu, from The Telegraph.

On Monday, John Gurdon won the Nobel Prize for physiology or medicine. This is an excerpt from his 1949 high school report card. (Photo credit: orangeek)

School reports: the 15 best school reports submitted to the Telegraph letters page

• He has an overdeveloped unawareness.
• This boy does not need a Scripture teacher. He needs a missionary.
• About as energetic as an absentee miner.
• Unlike the poor, Graham is seldom with us.
• The improvement in his handwriting has revealed his inability to spell.
• For this pupil all ages are dark.
• The tropical forests are safe when John enters the woodwork room, for his projects are small and progress is slow.
• Henry Ford once said history is bunk. Yours most certainly is.
• Would be lazy but for absence.
• At least his education hasn’t gone to his head.
• He has given me a new definition of stoicism: he grins and I bear it.
• The stick and carrot must be very much in evidence before this particular donkey decides to exert itself.
• French is a foreign language to Fowler.
• Rugby: Hobbs has useful speed when he runs in the right direction.
• Give him the job and he will finish the tools.

The ‘Ahhhh!’ Factor

My friend Pam shared this on Facebook yesterday.  It’s not her cat, by the way.

 

Joke 615

From Will & Guy.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the man asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing and golf.”

Sandra Bullock Has A Sex-Change And Retires To Norfolk

The Rolling Stones discography (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Time For Bed, Grandad

The Rolling Stones breached their curfew this week.  Playing at the O2 Arena, according to The Telegraph:

...the quartet, all aged in their 60s and 70s, were half an hour late starting, which meant the concert did not finish until just after 11pm [and] their set ran 40 minutes over a strict curfew.

Quite how strict the curfew was is debatable, given they ran a not insubstantial forty minutes over.

Fans, already annoyed by touts selling tickets at £3000 each – and who showed their displeasure by not purchasing them, leaving empty seats in the arena – were furious that the Stones’ final set omitted I Can’t Get No Satisfaction. Imagine their dissatisfaction, then, when many were left stranded because the tube line they needed to use to get home closed at 11:45pm.

You see, Mr Jagger – there’s a reason for the curfew.

But not to worry: in true British fashion,

It was left to a busker outside the local tube station to reprise I Can’t Get No Satisfaction as concert-goers made their way home.

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Bus, Earlham Rd. Norwich (Photo credit: mira66) Not my story, but what a great picture!

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Meanwhile, Over In Norfolk

Ms Bullock, real name Alfred Throop, has been up to her old tricks again, driving speeding buses.  The Telegraph reports:

Alfred Throop, 67, was on the number 58 bus in Northfields, Leicester, on Thursday when the driver fell unconsious [sic] and the bus began to swerve.

Realising what had happened, Throop grabbed the wheel and steered the bus to the side of the road where it collided with metal railings at a pedestrian crossing.

With true British understatement, hero Mr Throop remarked:

“I noticed the bus going from side to side on the road and thought ‘there’s something wrong here’.”

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Up against a brick wall (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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One For Alien Hippy‘s Mr Locoman

Mel Thorley of Stockport is having some trouble selling his house.  The Stockport Express reports that Mel’s perfect house [has] a spiral staircase, triple-glazing, two garages and six off-road parking spaces…It’s a great garden for sunbathing, the neighbours are great and it’s a good price.

There’s just one small problem: potential buyers tend to be put off by one little thing.  The paper describes it as:

…four railway engines parked on the back lawn…which each weigh five tons.

British house buyers – picky, picky, picky.

Joke 614

From ajokeaday.com.

What was that about cats and dogs again? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:

10. Dogs come when you call them.

• Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.

9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.

8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire.

• Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.

• Cats might bring you a dead mouse.

6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon.

• Cats will take a three-hour nap.

5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you.

• Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.

4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work.

• Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.

3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command.

• Cats will smirk and walk away.

2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk.

• Cats will yawn and close their eyes.

1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever.

• Cats will make you pay for every mistake you’ve ever made since the day you were born.

The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name

The Cross Section of a Malteser (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Kiwidutch has sensibly learned to love Maltesers, despite the heresy of first mistaking them for faux-Crunchies.

Crunchie Bar insides (Photo credit: avlxyz)

It led to me think that there’s not much you don’t know about my likes, dislikes and loves.

Then I opened a packet of cheese & onion crisps and it occurred to me  – hold your breath because I don’t think you’re going to believe this – if I had to give up either cheese & onion crisps or Maltesers, I would give up Maltesers.

I had a think about why I never mention my favourite snack on this blog and I realise it’s because Maltesers don’t give you bad breath, but cheese & onion crisps do.  I don’t want my readers going away with a bad smell under their noses.  Think about it – you can smell them now, can’t you?  And it’s horrible, isn’t it?   I want you to think of me as sweet-smelling.  There’s nothing worse than someone else eating cheese & onion crisps when you’re not.  Okay, war and famine and earthquakes are worse, but admit it – halitosis isn’t far behind. 

Cheese and Onion crisps (Photo credit: Watt_Dabney)

Here is my ideal snack break:

• A packet of cheese & onion crisps – slowly suck off the flavour, savouring the taste.  But do it in-mouth; licking is simply bad manners, even when eating alone.
• A packet of Maltesers – slowly suck off the flavour, savouring the taste. But do it in-mouth; licking is simply bad manners, even when eating alone.
• A mug of Earl Grey tea, black.  Drink at optimum temperature i.e. has been standing 21 minutes if large mug; 17 minutes for small mug. Should be just hot enough to meet the criteria for being a hot drink i.e. hot, but cool enough not to leave you needing a palate graft.  It is a fine art and many a perfect snack time has been destroyed by me jumping up and doing the burney tongue dance around the living room.  A too-cool cup can be re-heated in the microwave, but the effect is already ruined, so I generally don’t bother.  It’s like enjoying that first mug of tea so much you make another, which never tastes the same.
• Mint chewing gum to disguise the bad breath until a toothbrush can be accessed.

What’s your ideal snack break?

 

Joke 613

From writersjokes.

Diagram showing the major parts of a modern incandescent light bulb. Glass bulb Inert gas Tungsten filament Contact wire (goes to foot) Contact wire (goes to base) Support wires Glass mount/support Base contact wire Screw threads Insulation Electrical foot contact (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.  One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

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How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

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A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!

 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Green

I’m a bit late with this one.  So late, I haven’t had time to look for a photo so I’m going with an illustration:

Green face circled (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

It’s not the only thing I’m behind on.  Christmas shopping barely started, when I’ve usually got most of it done by now.

Today it is exactly one month to Christmas.  

Not panicking.  Not panicking at all.

 

Joke 612

Thanks to Grannymar for this one.

English: Aching tooth: This statue is in the window of a dentist’s in Blackheath. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

DEFINITIONS

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour-saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Get Well Soon, Viv!

6WS friend Viv is in hospital

I know a lot of you visit Viv through Six Word Saturday, so I thought you’d like to know she’s in hospital.

The phone rang yesterday:

TB: Hello?  Whoisitwhaddyawantstopbotheringmewiththesestupidcoldcalls!

Viv: It’s Viv.

TB: Bev?

Viv: Viv!

TB: Bev who?

Viv: I’m going to climb out of this hospital bed and onto a plane and knock the dumb out of you if you don’t open your ears.  Viv!

Okay, I might have made that last bit up, which you all know because you know how lovely and sweet and generous and kind and caring Viv is; but I don’t do mushy, so I make stuff up to mask my anxiety.

Viv’s main problem is that she’s been unhooked from wi-fi.  The only cure for that is to get out of hospital ASAP and come home.

Get well soon, my lovely Viv.

 

Joke 611

From ajokeaday.com.

Dresses (Photo credit: maaikeflis)

The judge frowned at the robber and said, “You admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?”

”Yes, your honour.”

“And why was that?”

“Because my wife wanted a dress.”

The judge checked his records. “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”

“Yes sir. She made me exchange it twice.”

Readers Say The Darndest Things

I don’t know if you read all of the comments on this blog, but they are often better than the posts.  My readers are a funny lot.

Yesterday, Charlie from Read Between The Minds left a You Tube clip for me to watch.  

I’ve never heard of Art Linkletter, who had a show called Kids Say The Darndest Things.  Spud, however, was on a British version called Michael Barrymore’s Kids Say The Funniest Things.  Sadly, there’s no tape of it: the show was recorded in February, along with a whole series, but never shown because there was a terrible scandal that summer, when a man died at Barrymore’s home.  The scandal ended Barrymore’s career.

The clip Charlie left is from 1959.  I cried with laughter.  

I’ll tell you my two favourite quotes after the video, because I don’t want to spoil it for you.

I loved the little girl who said that ‘Adam and Eve had a whole mess o’ babies,’ because she’s just the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

And I love the logic of the little boy who told us that God’s punishment on Eve for causing all the trouble was to make her ‘a housewife.’  Out of the mouths of babes…

Thanks for a huge laugh, Charlie.