Archive | 15:00

Ten Tips For My Daughter

20 Nov

I don’t have a daughter.  

However, the recent comments on the Breaking Dawn Part 2 post and its follow-up made me wonder what advice I would give to a daughter if I did have one.

Here’s what I came up with:

  1. Don’t read the Twilight books until you are forty and safe from its pernicious influence.  Then feel free to love them, but expect scorn.
  2. It’s okay to shave your toes.  Trust me.
  3. Love comes and goes.  Housework lasts forever.
  4. Only get a dog if you have no objection to daily walks, whatever the weather; and poo.
  5. One glass of Coke will clean a year’s worth of grime from a toilet bowl. Think about that before you drink it.
  6. Be nice to your partner.  You may need them to walk the dog some day.
  7. There is no such thing as too much moisturiser.  Your neck, especially, will thank you.
  8. You cannot have it all; something always has to give.  Usually your waistband.
  9. I will adore your children but don’t ask me to babysit everyday.
  10. The more clothes you wear, the more clothes you will have to wash. Corollary for teenage daughters:  The more clothes you wear on a date, the better for your mother’s nerves.

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What advice would you give to your fictional daughter?

Joke 607

20 Nov

These are from Will & Guy.

Joan Rivers on TV with me behind her

Joan Rivers on TV with me behind her (Photo credit: Alan Light)

I’m not a fan of put downs because they are mean, but I’m running out of jokes.

Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Woman:  Actually, I’d rather have the money.

*
Man: Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out.
Woman: Okay, get out.

*

  • Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
  • I liked your opera.  Perhaps I will set it to music.  Mozart
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?
  • She’s so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them.  Joan Rivers
  •  He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
  • A room temperature IQ.
  • This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
  • She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • It’s so clean out here in Los Angeles.  That’s because they don’t throw their garbage away. They turn it into television shows.  Woody Allen
  • About a play at the theatre: There was a good bit about half way through when we all ate ice-cream.
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