My True Love Is An Idiot

8 Dec
Love ? I love love love you.

Love ? I love love love you. (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

 

Dear Judge,

 

I know I killed my True Love in a fit of rage but I think, once you hear my tale, you will have to acknowledge that I was provoked beyond what any reasonable person could stand.

 

Things started off well.  On the first day of Christmas, my True Love sent me a partridge in a pear tree.  A little weird, I thought, but I let that pass.  To be honest, as the first day of Christmas is Christmas Day, I’d have preferred a turkey.

 

On the second day he sent me two turtle doves.  Romantic, because I believe they mate for life, so I could see the symbolism.  But he also sent me another partridge in a pear tree.  Why?

 

Next day it was three French hens (or should I say, trois French hens?  My little joke, Judge.  I still had a sense of humour at that point) – plus two more doves and another partridge in a pear tree.

 

twelve days of christmas

twelve days of christmas (Photo credit: wiccked)

 

On the fourth day I was afraid to open the door to the postman.  I was right to be afraid: ten birds arrived that morning, four of which were colly birds.  Is there anyone on the planet who knows what a colly  bird is?  I think my True Love made that one up, or he meant calling birds and the shop saw a chance to finally offload the 36 colly birds they had lying around in the storeroom which they had ordered by accident.

 

Probably guessing from my enraged texts and emails that by now I was a little miffed, he had the good sense to send me five gold rings on day five of Christmasgate.  I was mollified enough to think it would be okay to accept day six’s gift.  Boy, was I ever wrong!  Six – count them: one-two-three-four-five-SIX – geese-a-laying.  The eggs would have been acceptable but I couldn’t get near them.  Do you know how protective geese are of their eggs?  I still have the bill marks on my legs.  And it’s not nice to be hissed at by 42 geese (yes, 42; because he sent me six more geese who wouldn’t share every day for the next six days); it’s like being in a really bad pantomime in the comfort of my own home, though there’s not much comfort with 184 birds running around, making a racket and pooping like there’s no tomorrow.  Which there wasn’t for those I managed to store in my freezer…  Not to mention the 42 goslings under my feet, imprinting on me.  It made shopping impossible.

 

You did read that right, Judge: 184 birds is what my True Love sent to me.  226, if you count the babies.

 

But he saved the best for last, which I’ll call Day Seven, because it was.  I may have been a little unhinged by this point.  I refused to open the door so the delivery truck left my idiot boyfriend’s ridiculous idea of a love token in my tiny back garden: seven swans-a-swimming.  Seven swans-a-swimming!  You know what that means, don’t you?  An inflatable pool!  In my pocket garden! And not just one inflatable pool, oh no!  SIX inflatable pools, because he sent me the same gift for the next five days, along with eight maids-a-milking, nine ladies dancing (I don’t even watch Strictly), ten lords-a-leaping (I’m interested in politics, yes, but not to the point of inviting the second chamber into my home – and the ornaments those old codgers broke…), eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming, right through my skull.

 

1st Day of Christmas Partridge in A Pear Tree

1st Day of Christmas Partridge in A Pear Tree (Photo credit: Cindy97007)

 

By the time I got the injunction against my True Love, it was too late – the neighbours had complained about the smell, the music played at full volume at all hours of the day and night, and the illegal poultry farm I had set up, and I was evicted by the council through the Anti-Social Behavioural law.  I was homeless, penniless (I had spent all my money on bird seed and feeding my guests) and furious – mostly because all swans are owned by the Crown, so my True Love had scuppered the chance of me being on any future Honours List.

 

I admit to seeking out my True Love who, while big on romantic gestures, was a slacker when it came to paying for the upkeep of all those birds or feeding 140 people – though the poultry and the eighty buckets of milk did come in handy there, I’ll accept.

 

I also admit to pelting him with rock hard pears (they were out of season; what was the silly beggar thinking?) and, when that didn’t work, belting him with as many pipes, drums and drumsticks as I could lay my hands on.  But the death stroke was, I’m convinced, administered by the swans, who didn’t like it when, weighed down by 40 gold rings, I fell into one of their pools and almost drowned.

 

So, dear Judge, I think you can see that I acted under extreme provocation while the balance of my mind was disturbed and my feet were in three tons of guano.

 

If you let me off, I will be free to marry one of the drummers, Bill, who has promised to give me only chocolates, toiletries and DVDs as Christmas presents.

 

I throw myself on the mercy of the court.

 

Signed, The Moulting Housewife

 

 

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72 Responses to “My True Love Is An Idiot”

  1. lenwilliamscarver December 8, 2012 at 09:36 #

    I have never heard the truth of this before (never was any good at math you know?) but now well in my court you would have been found not guilty, awarded a purple heart for bravery in the highest, an academy award for being able to star among all the fine feathered friends. and perhaps the Noble for tolerating all those women in YOUR house and I know they are true Diva’s …now that I think about it you should probable get another purple heart for bravery, keys to the city and a trip to Cancun!!! 😉

    Like

  2. Indira December 8, 2012 at 09:59 #

    Enjoyed it.

    Like

  3. vivinfrance December 8, 2012 at 10:06 #

    Your version beats every other one that I have ever heard. Brilliant.

    Pedantic Viv reckons colly birds are collared (or collard) doves.

    Like

  4. viveka December 8, 2012 at 10:28 #

    I would had killed him too – not much for alive brids in my house … and one ring is enough. Brilliant job here, Linda.

    Like

  5. jmgoyder December 8, 2012 at 10:30 #

    I haven’t laughed this much for ages – get it published – brilliant!

    Like

  6. misswhiplash December 8, 2012 at 12:18 #

    fANTASTIC.. that really had me glued to my seat until I had read every last word and I am going to reblog cos it was so funny

    Like

  7. misswhiplash December 8, 2012 at 12:19 #

    Reblogged this on I've been thinking about…………. and commented:
    this came fome my friend TillyB..The Laughing Housewife who was not laughing at the time of this happening but you sure will be when you read it

    Like

  8. Andrew Petcher December 8, 2012 at 12:47 #

    Really Funny – I enjoyed it!

    Like

  9. Ron. December 8, 2012 at 13:05 #

    If there is to be punishment, it should be meted out to the song’s creator. Worst. Christmas. Song. Ever.

    Like

  10. soulbrush December 8, 2012 at 13:21 #

    You are hilarious, I giggled and giggled, thanks I needed that!

    Like

  11. Wayne December 8, 2012 at 13:29 #

    Now that is funny!!! Well done.

    Like

  12. Robyn December 8, 2012 at 14:05 #

    This was hysterical! Thank you so much for such a good morning laugh!

    Like

  13. Dana December 8, 2012 at 14:15 #

    Haha! I needed this early morning laugh!

    Like

  14. sharechair December 8, 2012 at 14:26 #

    Oh my goodness! That was too funny!

    Like

  15. Hilary December 8, 2012 at 14:27 #

    love it!

    Like

  16. SchmidleysScribbling December 8, 2012 at 15:23 #

    This is the best post you have written. Love it. Read every word and even listened to the whole song. I love this song. Merry Christmas to you. Dianne

    Like

  17. lenwilliamscarver December 8, 2012 at 15:23 #

    Reblogged this on myownheart.me and commented:
    ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTFUL! TILLY B HAS STRUCK AGAIN!!

    Like

  18. wavensongz December 8, 2012 at 15:25 #

    Thanks for stopping by and liking my blogs, as I said before you are AWESOME. Watched & read your latest blog, “Loved It”, I need to visit your blog site to keep me in check. LOL I Love, Love your Christmas blog site, don’t you just Love the snow effect they gave us. Have A Great Weekend.

    Like

  19. restlessjo December 8, 2012 at 15:53 #

    Does Bill know what he’s letting himself in for?

    Like

  20. Al December 8, 2012 at 17:02 #

    And to think, he could have you undying love for just one box of Maltesers.

    Like

  21. terry1954 December 8, 2012 at 17:04 #

    I loved it Tilly!!!!

    Like

  22. brenda December 8, 2012 at 17:05 #

    not sure I ever thought about this song in this way before…..

    Like

  23. vastlycurious.com December 8, 2012 at 17:15 #

    HILARIOUS!!!

    Like

  24. laurieanichols December 8, 2012 at 17:38 #

    Tilly this is why I nominated you for the Blogger of the Year Award 2012. You are going to be miffed perhaps but you do so deserve it. It will be the last because I am never nominating anyone again because when you read my post you will see why. Love your talents.

    Like

  25. slpmartin December 8, 2012 at 19:09 #

    Just too funny for words….just loved it.

    Like

  26. Judy December 8, 2012 at 20:17 #

    Thank you and as Judge Judy I will forgive you however your True Love has been arrested because he also defaulted on the bill payments.

    Like

  27. Tom (Aquatom1968) December 8, 2012 at 20:54 #

    Very funny, Tilly… sounds like you had a full house!
    By the way, I know what a colly bird is. 😉

    Like

  28. Susie Clevenger (@wingsobutterfly) December 8, 2012 at 21:05 #

    Loved this! I needed a touch of humor…Christmas can really get…well…Christmasie…

    Like

  29. Tonya December 8, 2012 at 21:31 #

    That is awesome Tilly!

    Like

  30. Elaine - I used to be indecisive December 9, 2012 at 00:44 #

    This is brilliant! 🙂
    Mostly I seem to hear people saying ‘calling birds’ rather than ‘colly’ birds, so it’s great to see the original word being used again. 🙂

    Like

  31. lv2trnscrb December 9, 2012 at 01:06 #

    too cute!! Love it! I can’t remember how much money it was, but I did see on the news how much it would cost if one purchased everything that was on the list for the 12 days of Christmas. What one would do with all that stuff would be indeed an adventure!

    betty

    Like

  32. bluebee December 9, 2012 at 02:07 #

    If the judge doesn’t see it your way, he should be removed from the bench – thanks for the laugh 😀

    Like

  33. eof737 December 9, 2012 at 05:08 #

    Welcome to the club! You are hysterical though. 😆 😎

    Like

  34. bevchen December 9, 2012 at 09:15 #

    This is fabulous, and makes the fact that I’m about to start making Christmas dinner for 9 a little less stressful. It’s all about perspective… at least I don’t have all those birds under feet (just one… and the turkey is ver dead ;-))

    Like

  35. sarsm December 9, 2012 at 10:28 #

    This is my favourite post of yours so far. Absolutely brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Like

  36. mylifebeyondlabels December 9, 2012 at 14:48 #

    ♡♥♡Happy 6WS! 🙂 ♡♥♡

    l simply love this! I would find you NOT GUILTY if I were on your jury. Obviously, that was a justifiable act anyone can see that. 🙂

    Like

  37. Pseu December 9, 2012 at 23:12 #

    Quackers. Completely quackers.

    Like

  38. island traveler December 10, 2012 at 09:24 #

    I can’t blame you why. Thos gifts can drive one crazy. Thanks for a great laugh! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

    Like

  39. Grannymar December 10, 2012 at 22:05 #

    New version for me. I would hate a house that full

    Like

  40. Joseph December 11, 2012 at 01:17 #

    Sounds tragic. I feel bad for both of you. : )

    Like

  41. celestialsilverbridge December 11, 2012 at 08:26 #

    Reblogged this on Celestial Silver Road and commented:
    Ok, this is a hilarious take on the 12 days of Christmas! love it!

    Like

  42. benzeknees December 11, 2012 at 08:32 #

    Loved it Tilly Bud!

    Like

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. From Tilly Bud: My True Love Is An Idiot | Sarsm's Blog - December 9, 2012

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  2. Fifth Day of Christmas: Five Golden Rings | merlinspielen - December 29, 2012

    […] My True Love Is An Idiot (thelaughinghousewife.wordpress.com) […]

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  3. Fifth Day of Christmas: Five Golden Rings | merlinspielen - December 29, 2014

    […] My True Love Is An Idiot (thelaughinghousewife.wordpress.com) […]

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Nicola Hulme Author

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