So Long As I Don’t Have To Touch It…

Eugène Delacroix – Sketch for Peace Descends to Earth – WGA06217 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was doing the last of the ironing in the kitchen yesterday when I heard the Hub talking to someone in a gentle voice:

Now what are you doing back here?  Haven’t I put you out three times?  I know it’s cold and wet but you can’t stay here…

There was a pause.  He was obviously thinking.

He came into the kitchen, hands cupped.  I thought it was in supplication until I saw the huge spider dancing over them.

The Hub turned pleading eyes to me:

Please can he stay?  I’ve put him out three times but he keeps coming back in.  You can’t blame him: it’s miserable out there.  Can’t we find a dark spot where he won’t bother you?

Call it the season – not just about getting the ironing up to date, but also about peace on earth and goodwill to all men, women and arachnids – but I caved:

Fine.  Put him behind the trunks at the end of the hall.

The thing I feared has come upon me: the Hub has made me a spider-lover.

Joke 640

Santa and moose (Photo credit: Jenny P.)

Ron at Scrambled, Not Fried has generously allowed me to lift this intact from his blog.  I would have re-blogged it but I don’t know how to schedule a re-blog and, much as I love Christmas, I’m not getting up at four in the morning to tell a joke.

13 Little-Known Holiday Factoids

1. Christmas, as we know it today, was invented in 1596. Prior to that year, it was celebrated much like we celebrate Arbor Day today, but without the reverence for trees.
2. The first three “Yule Logs” burned down the dwellings in which they were burned. The name has been shortened over the years from the saying, “Yule” die if you bring one of those things into the house.
3. Santa never eats the cookies kids leave out for him. He collects them and donates them as gifts to local soup kitchens. (Keep ‘em coming, kids!)
4. Most elves are Lithuanian.
5. Before marrying, Mrs. Claus was a dental hygienist but left that career to become a Vegas Showgirl. This is where she first met Santa.
6. Santa was (and remains) a “chubby chaser.” He showed no interest in his current wife until she quit her Vegas job and put on about 50 pounds.
7. Santa has five children: four boys and a beautiful daughter named Belinda.
8. Modern “Egg Nog” is primarily nog, with only a hint of synthetic egg flavoring.
9. Santa has NEVER brought anyone a semi-automatic weapon for Christmas. These are invariably purchased by friends or family members, and are only labeled “From Santa” in an effort to avoid potential liability.
10. A gift is a gift. Wrapping paper is a multi-million dollar racket.
11. The feces of flying reindeer can burn a hole in your roof. House fires reported around Christmas time are often blamed on faulty wiring, dry trees, etc., but are more usually caused by Blitzen, who suffers from chronic diarrhea.
12. There are really only 9 Days Of Christmas. Three days were tacked on as a mass-marketing ploy.
13. Santa has suffered repeated hernias. His favorite joke is to say that carrying that big bag of toys around is the ‘real’ Nutcracker.