Joke 676

28 Jan

How to Write Good

Writing

Writing (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren’t necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don’t never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.

*

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From jokesaboutwriting.

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22 Responses to “Joke 676”

  1. slpmartin January 28, 2013 at 04:15 #

    I enjoyed all of these…very funny!

    Like

  2. jmgoyder January 28, 2013 at 04:20 #

    Brilliant!

    Like

  3. siggiofmaine January 28, 2013 at 06:42 #

    Off to dream land…will be dreaming of all the wrong things to write !

    Like

  4. Kay's Musings January 28, 2013 at 07:50 #

    Oh dear! I’m cooked!

    Like

  5. bevchen January 28, 2013 at 08:47 #

    LOL! I love this one. I overuse parentheses on a regular basis.

    Like

  6. Pseu January 28, 2013 at 09:24 #

    As a rule, all generalities are wrong….

    Like

  7. Viveka January 28, 2013 at 12:28 #

    I’m so happy I’m Swedish .. and this does not apply to me.- at least that is what I have decided. I stick to my Swenglish, becuase I’m good at it!!!!!!!!.

    Like

  8. vivinfrance January 28, 2013 at 16:12 #

    These are all wonderful. How many are original Tillyisms?

    Like

  9. sharechair January 28, 2013 at 17:47 #

    Awesome list! I was hooked at alliterations!

    Like

  10. vastlycurious.com January 28, 2013 at 18:17 #

    This was so entertaining! I just wrote a hand written to page letter yesterday to a Soldier in the AAUSS program and I was trying to be witty- I will save this! Thanks!

    Like

  11. terry1954 January 28, 2013 at 21:14 #

    loved it!!!!

    Like

  12. Rorybore January 28, 2013 at 22:03 #

    I didn’t not like this. 🙂

    Like

  13. Three Well Beings January 28, 2013 at 22:29 #

    Every English teacher needs this list! LOL!

    Like

  14. Life in the 50's and beyond... January 29, 2013 at 01:32 #

    Reblogged this on retiredruth Life in the 50's and beyond and commented:
    I have been reading books about how to improve writing skills… so this was a nice bit of comic relief! Enjoy and thanks to The Laughing Housewife…..

    Like

  15. lanceleuven January 29, 2013 at 13:35 #

    Excellent! Although, I’m guilty of many of these (like starting a sentence with a conjunction for example, or using parenthetical remarks)…

    Like

  16. judithatwood January 30, 2013 at 04:54 #

    Wonderful — funny and helpful at the same time!

    Like

  17. Grannymar January 30, 2013 at 21:43 #

    I’m off to study my blank page!!

    Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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