Archive | February, 2013

A Horse Meat Of A Different Colour

28 Feb
English: Donkeys on the beach at Scarborough. ...

Donkeys on the beach at Scarborough. Donkey rides are a common feature on British beaches. These donkeys were photographed while they were taking a break and eating from nose bags. Also on the beach is a small amusement park (left) and the lifeboat station (right) http://www.geograph.org.uk/photo/192382. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We think we’ve got it bad?

I just read a report in the Mail & Guardian that South Africans are eating ‘beef’ which is really goat, donkey and water buffalo.

Professor Louw Hoffman makes an excellent point:

There’s nothing wrong with eating donkey meat if you like eating donkey meat. It’s not more or less unhealthy than any other species. It boils down to the fact that you want to know what you’re eating.

Although, to be honest, if I’m eating donkey, I don’t think I do want to know what I’m eating.

I found this comment surprising:

The department of agriculture, forestry and fisheries has pointed out that eating unconventional species such as donkey, goat and water buffalo may seem unthinkable to many South Africans but it does not pose an automatic health risk.

What surprised me is that eating unconventional species is ‘unthinkable to many South Africans.’  This in a country which has a wonderful restaurant called The Train (in Midrand), where I have eaten elephant, shark, crocodile, giraffe and warthog.  They also serve water buffalo; but they don’t call it ‘beef’.  They call it ‘water buffalo’.

If you are ever in Midrand, you should visit The Train.  It’s less than R40 a head.  That’s about £3!  Or $4.50.

But be warned: they don’t have  a children’s menu.  Someone ate all the donkeys.

Joke 707

28 Feb
Flying Cow Airplane

Flying Cow Airplane (Photo credit: kfergos)

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked. 

“No, thanks,” replied the vultures.

“They’re carrion.” 

*

From ahajokes.

 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Beyond (2)

27 Feb

DSCN0927

As one cannot wear a velour track suit without looking scruffy, even when one’s velour track suit is brand new; and one cannot help but look triple-chinned when one’s Hub takes a standing photo of one whilst sitting, I think one’s caving to your demands for a photo takes one above and beyond the call of blogging duty, hence one’s use of formal language to distance oneself from – or get beyond, if you will – a very unflattering photograph.

Really, dear readers, insisting on photographs to back up photographic prompt posts is beyond the pale.  One might even call it madness.


Joke 706

27 Feb

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how

A pregnant woman

A pregnant woman (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.  Just make several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

She looked at the men in the room. “And Gentlemen, remember – you’re in this together – it wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.”

The room went quiet as the men absorbed this information.  Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?” asked the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

*

Thanks to Elaine at I Used To be Indecisive for this one.

 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Beyond

26 Feb

The Daily Post sent out this prompt on January 18th.  I’m getting faster at responding!

There is no photograph to illustrate it, for reasons that will become apparent.

The Hub bought me a velour track suit today.  It is so comfortable, I think he should buy me another.

Save yourselves – I am beyond help.

Joke 705

26 Feb

Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk

Kitteh drunk on non-alcoholic beer.

Kitteh drunk on non-alcoholic beer. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you’ re drunk

a) Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
f) I’m not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn’t – no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

From Will & Guy.

Only Six?

25 Feb

Many of us think of our lives as boringly normal, while others live the high life. Take a step back, and take a look at your life as an outsider might. Now, tell us at least six unique, exciting, or just plain odd things about yourself.

Odd Facts from Modern Wonder Magazine 1939

Odd Facts from Modern Wonder Magazine 1939 (Photo credit: Smabs Sputzer)

  • I can curl my tongue and my toes at the same time
  • I can tap dance
  • I cannot blow my nose in public or while wearing glasses
  • I have been on telly several times
  • I can read upside down
  • I cannot tell a joke without forgetting the punchline
  • At one time or another, I have boycotted every supermarket in which I could afford to shop
  • If you mispronounce a word in my presence, I will not hear anything you say after that
  • I have dual nationality
  • I alphabetize CDs and DVDs; books are filed in size order
  • I cannot drink coffee, or kiss anyone who has it on their breath
  • I advocate organ donation as the ultimate form of recycling
  • I have a loud and irritating laugh
  • I have had my present phone about two years and I still cannot switch it on without help
  • I am shy and easily embarrassed (not unique but probably surprising to regular readers)
  • I don’t understand people who don’t vote
  • I am short with large feet, rather like a hobbit (I dress like one, too)
  • Stray apostrophes set my teeth on edge
  • I once had a one-act play staged at the Everyman Theatre in Liverpool
  • I like to trot that last one out at every opportunity
  • My definition of ‘unique, exciting, or just plain odd’ is surprisingly dull

 

Joke 704

25 Feb
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe

Diagonally parked in a parallel universe (Photo credit: Mark J P)

  • I doubt; therefore I might be.
  • I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • I had an ‘hour glass’ figure, but the sand shifted.
  • There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself; hire someone; or forbid your kids to do it.

From my Kindle joke book.

 

Nada

24 Feb

Nothing

I have nothing to say today so, in the spirit of not saying anything if you don’t have anything to say, I won’t.

Joke 703

24 Feb
 
Felix Baumgartner sky dive cartoon: Whiz Funnies

Felix Baumgartner sky dive cartoon: Whiz Funnies (Photo credit: WhizTimes)

  1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  2. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  3. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  4. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  5. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
  6. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
  7. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  9. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
  10. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute only to skydive twice.
  11. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  12. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  13. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  14. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  15. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

Thanks to Pseu for these.  She found them here.

Metal Fatigue

23 Feb

I think I’ve infected the appliances

I went into the spare room at the first throat tickle and avoided all contact with the Hub and it seems to have worked: his compromised immune system didn’t cave at the first sneeze spray like it usually does.

Give me my mofackin' pot pie!!!   298/365

Give me my pot pie!!! 298/365 (Photo credit: AndYaDontStop)

However, my rotten germs needed to go somewhere.  Suddenly, the TV is showing wavy lines; the fridge freezer has a blockage; the PC demanded a new power supply and the dishwasher gave up the ghost.

Coincidence?  I think not.

*

*

Joke 702

23 Feb

Day 238/365 - A Different type of Apple

After periodic doubts about his vocational calling, the young chemistry teacher concluded he was out of his element.

*

I missed my miniature Indian musical instrument practice last night. I couldn’t find a baby sitar.

*

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

*

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

*

From punoftheday

22 Feb

If you like to laugh, then you’re going to love this true story…

Sarsm's Blog

Reini’s evening started something like this:

His one and only son called him at work and announced, “There’s been an accident… In the kitchen… With the mixing machine… And Mum…”

I should probably admit to you, at this point, that we have recently been playing rather a lot of Cluedo.

◊◊◊

I’ve just risen out of a calming bath (despite at least two children being in the room at any one time, babbling) and looking down at my naked body I can see a few tell-tale signs of the week gone by.

For instance, my lower right leg champions five, yes five, bruises. All attained crawling through tunnels and up and down ladders at Sensapolis (I am still completing my challenges ) on Sunday. There are probably a fair few lumps and bumps on my head too because if I wasn’t bashing my right leg then I was beating my…

View original post 1,173 more words

Joke 701

22 Feb

Kev and Bill were talking one day. ‘My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the greengrocer’s,’ said Kevin.

Nooooooooo

Nooooooooo (Photo credit: recompose)

‘So were you able to find some?” inquired Bill.

‘Well, when I got to the shop, I asked the manager, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?’   The shopkeeper told me, ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.’ ”

From Will & Guy.

 

Free, Tree And Dead Again Me

21 Feb

When you were 16, what did you think your life would look like?

M (James Bond)

M (James Bond) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Like I was a successful actress.

Does it look like that?

No.

Is that a good thing?

It is what it is.  I never had the courage to pursue it so I have nobody to blame but myself.  Regrets are useless so I don’t have any.  What I do have is a happy marriage and two gorgeous sons.  I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

*

If you could choose to be a master (or mistress) of any skill in the world, which skill would you pick?

Cooking, so I could hang on to this perfect family I am slowly poisoning.

*

“It’s never a good idea to discuss religion or politics with people you don’t really know.” Agree or disagree?

Well, dear WordPress prompter, I’d rather not say because I don’t really know you.

*

Write your own eulogy.

Tilly’s death at the hands of irritated WordPress prompters was sudden but inevitable.  She never knew when to quit and they didn’t like her pointing out that she had recently had to write her own obituary and was it personal on their part or had they become FreudPress prompters?

Also, she knew her way around a box of Maltesers, but not a kitchen.

*

Blue Bee

Blue Bee (Photo credit: bob in swamp)

Most of us have heard the saying, “That’s the best thing since sliced bread!” What do you think is actually the best thing since sliced bread?

The internet.  How else would I have discovered a bunch of people around the world willing to send me stuff out of the blue?

Speaking of which, thank you for the book, Bee Blue.  I’d kiss you but I know how you feel about that.

*

Go to the nearest window. Look out for a full minute. Write about what you saw.

A tree.

That’s it.  It’s bigger than our house and blocks the view to everything…no, wait: something’s behind it.  Is that a WordPress prompter with a stick of dynamite in her mask…?

*

Describe your relationship with your phone. Is it your lifeline, a buzzing nuisance, or something in between?

I’m sure that once I discover how to turn it on, we’ll be the best of friends.

*

A genie has granted your wish to build your perfect space for reading and writing. What’s it like?

Actor portraying blue Genie character in Disne...

Actor portraying blue Genie character in Disney’s Aladdin stage show (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s like Robin Williams. Since Aladdin, they all are.

*

You have to learn a new skill. Do you prefer to read about it, watch someone else do it, hear someone describe it, or try it yourself?

Why do I need to learn a new skill?  I have my own personal genie.

*

Write about anything you’d like. Somewhere in your post, include the sentence, “I heard the car door slam, and immediately looked a the clock.”

I was reading this post when I heard the car door slam, and immediately looked at the clock.  I knew it was the Grammar Police, come to take away the WordPress prompter who had one too few ‘t’s in his at.

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