Joke 685

More from Phyllis Diller.

English: Phyllis Diller (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks, Terry!

• If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
• You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
• I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
• What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
• The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
• Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
• I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
• I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
• His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
• Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
• My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
• There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic cheques show a ghetto.
• My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
• Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
• I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
• The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
• You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
• It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
• There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?