A Doctor A Day Keeps Flesh-Eating Bugs Away

9 Feb

Thinking of going on a diet

I turn fifty this year; I need to take my health seriously.  I know this because I have received an invitation to attend a health check at my doctor’s surgery.  They would like to test for my risk of developing diabetes, heart disease, stroke and kidney failure.

Understanding Women

Understanding Women (Photo credit: Graela)

I suppose the thinking is:

  1. We’ll scare her into treating her body like a temple instead of a chocolate sanctuary
  2. It will save the NHS money if we catch her before it’s too late and too expensive for this postcode
  3. We don’t want her to die; she’s one of our most obedient patients, turning up on time for every appointment, whether voluntary or compulsory; and always taking the full course of antibiotics as instructed

I have never smoked, barely drink, don’t have the energy for late nights and walk every day…but I do like to eat.  ‘Being overweight’ is the top risk factor, according to the leaflet that accompanied the diktat to comply and book an appointment, stat!

Rather like over-filling the car at the petrol pump* and the gas station* exploding because someone belched last night’s spicy curry, I’m a walking time bomb.

*Also half-Brit, half-Yank, apparently: what would that make me? A Yit/Brank/Bank/Brink/Kit/Yurt?


Health (Photo credit: Tax Credits) Yeah, right!   http://taxcredits.net/  

The only reason I hesitate is this: the letter sending my orders to report to base is signed by (you’ll like this, Dianne) the Patient Demographics Officer.  My Doctor doesn’t care enough to send a personal (it doesn’t have to be embossed) invitation to an event that might save my life.  Huh.

Let’s do a pros and cons list to decide if I should embark on a regime that will take over my life but prolong it:


  • I’ll be healthy
  • I’ll be alive
  • I’ll make my Patient Demographics Officer happy
  • How patient is she?  This could take a while
  • The house will smell of fruit
  • The house will smell of cooked cabbage
  • The house will smell of fart
  • The last two are pros because they keep guests away
  • That’s a pro because have you seen the price of fruit and veg in this country?  If I eat healthily, I won’t have the money to serve biscuits with my guests’ tea.  How embarrassing
  • I won’t get sick, have to go into hospital, contract MRSA and other flesh-eating germs and die
  • I’ll live longer.  I’ll even outlive the Hub who won’t join me on a diet, will get sick, have to go into hospital with the flesh-eaters and, well, you know the rest…
  • If I live longer and even outlive the Hub, I’ll finally be able to chuck out his junk.  It’s worth dieting for that reason alone
  • I’ll finally get back in to my 1982 skinny jeans; I knew I was right to hang onto them
  • The house will smell of fruit


  • I’ll have to give up Maltesers

The cons have it: no diet.

66 Responses to “A Doctor A Day Keeps Flesh-Eating Bugs Away”

  1. vivinfrance February 9, 2013 at 11:57 #

    Two words: smaller plates.


  2. Elaine - I used to be indecisive February 9, 2013 at 12:33 #

    I think you can easily accommodate Maltesers into your new eating regime (sounds better than diet I think 😉 ). Let’s say that now you eat a box of Maltesers a day plus your meals. If you cut down a little on your portion sizes at meals (using Viv’s idea of smaller plates maybe?) then you can still eat your box of Maltesers but your overall calorie intake will still have reduced! Result! 😉


  3. jmgoyder February 9, 2013 at 13:08 #

    You are just a mere child! I recently turned 54 so if you need any non-Maltesers advice, I can help. BTW your title scared the hell out of me!


  4. Dawn @ Guiding Light February 9, 2013 at 13:16 #

    I am attempting to eat healthier these days. Hugs and prayers as you start your journey. We will BOTH be thankful one day.


  5. adinparadise February 9, 2013 at 13:34 #

    Just woke up to your hilarious diatribe against dieting. Maybe when you go for the health check, they’ll simply say, “You’re not fat.” Did you consider that possibility? If they ask you how many Maltesers a day you eat, cross your fingers and lie. 😀


  6. sharechair February 9, 2013 at 13:48 #

    I always have good intentions …. but somehow chocolate, potato chips and pastries work their way into my life every day. Oh, and wine. I heard a glass of wine a day is healthy, so I make sure I do that. 🙂


  7. Judy February 9, 2013 at 13:58 #

    I have dieted my body weight away at least 3 times. I keep arriving back at the same place so I told the doctor I am healthy and plan to live in my size 16 wardrobe because I can’t afford to change it any more. I threw away all the clothes from size 10 up to the 16. I am accepting that this is me so now the doctor has to accept it. I too don’t smoke or drink and I walk everyday and dance as well.


    • Tilly Bud - The Laughing Housewife February 10, 2013 at 21:07 #

      I think some people are naturally bigger; when I was growing up we called it being ‘big-boned’. If a person is healthy and comfortable, that’s what matters. I am neither 🙂


  8. Ron. February 9, 2013 at 14:06 #

    Cabbage, & farts, you say? There being no accounting for personal preferences, you never know who might show up anyway, TB. Best bet: Don’t advertise.


  9. Dana February 9, 2013 at 14:12 #

    Haha! Wonderful!

    I agree with Viv, though. Smaller plates work. ☺


  10. actingbalancedmom February 9, 2013 at 14:15 #

    Hope you find something that works for you!


  11. laurieanichols February 9, 2013 at 14:33 #

    Viv said it best; smaller plates (filled with fruit and vegetables). 😀


  12. Grannymar February 9, 2013 at 14:36 #

    Turning fifty means prods and poking, pressing and squeezing for the next twenty years. I know all about it.

    No matter what you do, keep away from the hospital with the flesh-eaters! That picture will stay with me all weekend!

    I got my letter for an ‘ology’ clinic! Cardiology in my case and I need to go along STARVING the week before in order to feed the vampire. I bet that day I’ll be awake from 2 a.m. and weak at the knees before I get there.


  13. Tom (Aquatom1968) February 9, 2013 at 14:49 #

    Tilly, the Patient Demographics Officer doesn’t even sound medical. Can they be trusted?


  14. mairedubhtx February 9, 2013 at 14:59 #

    I get invitations from my doctor, too, for health examinations, but they are personal. She says, your next appointment will be on…since they have discovered so many things “to watch” or that are actually wrong with me, through routine blood tests, etc. I always thought I was healthy until I started going to the doctor and they discovered all these “hidden” things that have no outward symptoms but are actually dangerous and one they can really do nothing about except watch my diet and monitor it closely and hope it doesn’t get too much worse. Sigh. So it keeps me running to my internist and my specialists and shelling out good money and paying my health insurance premiums and co-pays.


  15. rumpydog February 9, 2013 at 16:05 #

    I’m with you…. it’s about saving money. Heaven forbid that you should enjoy your life. Instead you should do everything the government wants you to do to save it money.


  16. gigihawaii February 9, 2013 at 16:42 #

    Can’t believe you are almost 50. Wow, where does time go when you are having fun!


  17. Brenda February 9, 2013 at 17:19 #

    I turned 50 3 years ago and all of a sudden I had to have all these tests run… why? I didn’t have high cholesterol, I wasn’t over weight, I don’t smoke or drink (too much)… but stilll…… all those tests and you know what they discovered? NOTHING… but I have to do it all again when I turn 60.
    Good luck with the diet… it is really more a lifestyle change than anything else…


  18. Linda February 9, 2013 at 17:26 #

    Hoping to lose some weight myself…and I have started eating more vegetables, and plan to also juice for more nutrition. Now I need to start walking more. May God help us both on our journey to better health! (:>)


  19. terry1954 February 9, 2013 at 19:48 #

    I wish i had a boyfriend so I could have some free chocolate!!!! LOL I wonder if I can rent one for Valentine’s Day………………hehe


  20. slpmartin February 9, 2013 at 20:27 #

    Hmm…is there a male out there insane enough to join in on a discussion of dieting with a woman…even your doctor didn’t want to bring the subject up. 🙂


  21. sanstorm February 9, 2013 at 20:59 #

    Oddly enough, I have just applied Viv’s advice to myself and now I use a smaller plate. And you can totally diet and eat maltesers. If you don’t eat maltesers, your body will retain fat and sugar stores. You have to convince your body that the maltesers will keep coming, otherwise you will shock it into defence.
    May I blow my own trumpet??? As you know I have been working out like a lunatic since august and eating smaller food – and last week, for the first time in *invisible calculator* … years and years…. my weight is in the “normal range”!!!
    No blood, no sweat (it’s too cold here to sweat) and no tears. Just jumping about in mud.
    Also, I used an online thing to work out what weightwatchers points I’d be on – and then I kind of bear that in mind if I want to definitely lose weight in any given week.

    I could go on.

    But, in fact refer you to Viv’s comment. She’s very wise. And succinct.


  22. viveka February 9, 2013 at 21:04 #

    It’s now proven by America and nearly 3 million people were in the research that overweight people live longer than normal weight does. So don’t worry – live the life you enjoy. Stick with your Maltesers.


    • Tilly Bud - The Laughing Housewife February 10, 2013 at 20:30 #

      Is that true? Tell me more!


      • viveka February 11, 2013 at 08:35 #

        Yes, apparently we that have a couple of size more than we should .. live long than the normal “weighters”. USA says so and they should know.


  23. SchmidleysScribbling February 9, 2013 at 21:10 #

    yes, you need to take your health seriously. If you decide to diet, check out Weight Watchers, its great. Dianne


  24. McGuffy Ann February 9, 2013 at 23:03 #

    Being as healthy as you can personally be, is what it is really all about. You & your doctor can decide that. Happiness helps.


  25. Jess February 9, 2013 at 23:20 #

    ouch, i no like going to the docs..good luck x


  26. benzeknees February 10, 2013 at 00:14 #

    I agree – the Cons have it! Down with anything that tries to get between us & a malteser!


  27. robincoyle February 10, 2013 at 00:47 #

    Why eat cabbage and fart when there are perfectly good Malteasers lying about. You might still fart, but the house will smell like chocolate!


  28. Amba February 10, 2013 at 01:56 #

    I laughed so hard at both your post and Robin’s comment! By the way, I just started eating healthy and it’s really not as hard as it seems initially. I’ve started blogging about it in order to stay on track, lest one of my blog followers finds me and murders me for not updating them about my fitness and diet changes (a girl can always dream). Let me know if you decide to go healthy 🙂 You can always save your Maltesers for your “cheat day”, it will make them that much more delicious.


  29. Tonya February 10, 2013 at 02:02 #

    Never give up Maltesers! I have only had them one time and it was AWESOME!


  30. bluebee February 10, 2013 at 07:14 #

    Oh, you’ve made absolutely the right decision


    Anyway, if you gave up chocolate you’d be cranky and that wouldn’t be good for our health, so there.

    PS – in Oz, once you’re in your 50s, they send you a bowel cancer kit in the post. Can’t wait for mine to arrive towards the end of this year…


  31. Gobetween February 10, 2013 at 07:14 #

    Giving up Maltesers … is NEVER an option!


  32. cessie February 10, 2013 at 09:19 #

    You don’t have to give up everything you know… it’s all in the balance of things. For me it works best to live to a healthy diet of loads of fruits and veggies and water and little meat during the weekdays and I indulge a little more in the weekend. I do eat my chocolate now and then though (just not the whole packet) and whatever I feel like, just not in huge portions. I love food too :). Oh and I try to exercise, that way I can eat a little more lol.
    Anyway: good luck!


  33. bevchen February 10, 2013 at 14:10 #

    No need to give up Maltesers…. it’s all about balance. A box of Maltesers plus the same amount of grapes sounds balanced to me 😀


  34. Karen Snyder February 10, 2013 at 15:37 #

    “Rather like over-filling the car at the petrol pump* and the gas station* exploding because someone belched last night’s spicy curry, I’m a walking time bomb.” Funniest. Line. Ever!!

    Balanced meals consist of a cookie in each hand (she says with her tongue firmly planted in her cheek). Trust me! 😀


  35. restlessjo February 10, 2013 at 18:25 #

    I must have a very lax GP, Tilly. I haven’t been summoned yet, and I’m very much older than that. Slipped under the radar- what a shame! I’ll just have to carry on staying healthy without benefit of advice. How will I manage?


I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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