A Doctor A Day Keeps Flesh-Eating Bugs Away

Thinking of going on a diet

I turn fifty this year; I need to take my health seriously.  I know this because I have received an invitation to attend a health check at my doctor’s surgery.  They would like to test for my risk of developing diabetes, heart disease, stroke and kidney failure.

Understanding Women (Photo credit: Graela)

I suppose the thinking is:

1. We’ll scare her into treating her body like a temple instead of a chocolate sanctuary
2. It will save the NHS money if we catch her before it’s too late and too expensive for this postcode
3. We don’t want her to die; she’s one of our most obedient patients, turning up on time for every appointment, whether voluntary or compulsory; and always taking the full course of antibiotics as instructed

I have never smoked, barely drink, don’t have the energy for late nights and walk every day…but I do like to eat.  ‘Being overweight’ is the top risk factor, according to the leaflet that accompanied the diktat to comply and book an appointment, stat!

Rather like over-filling the car at the petrol pump* and the gas station* exploding because someone belched last night’s spicy curry, I’m a walking time bomb.

*Also half-Brit, half-Yank, apparently: what would that make me? A Yit/Brank/Bank/Brink/Kit/Yurt?

Health (Photo credit: Tax Credits) Yeah, right!   http://taxcredits.net/  

The only reason I hesitate is this: the letter sending my orders to report to base is signed by (you’ll like this, Dianne) the Patient Demographics Officer.  My Doctor doesn’t care enough to send a personal (it doesn’t have to be embossed) invitation to an event that might save my life.  Huh.

Let’s do a pros and cons list to decide if I should embark on a regime that will take over my life but prolong it:

Pros:

• I’ll be healthy
• I’ll be alive
• I’ll make my Patient Demographics Officer happy
• How patient is she?  This could take a while
• The house will smell of fruit
• The house will smell of cooked cabbage
• The house will smell of fart
• The last two are pros because they keep guests away
• That’s a pro because have you seen the price of fruit and veg in this country?  If I eat healthily, I won’t have the money to serve biscuits with my guests’ tea.  How embarrassing
• I won’t get sick, have to go into hospital, contract MRSA and other flesh-eating germs and die
• I’ll live longer.  I’ll even outlive the Hub who won’t join me on a diet, will get sick, have to go into hospital with the flesh-eaters and, well, you know the rest…
• If I live longer and even outlive the Hub, I’ll finally be able to chuck out his junk.  It’s worth dieting for that reason alone
• I’ll finally get back in to my 1982 skinny jeans; I knew I was right to hang onto them
• The house will smell of fruit

Cons:

• I’ll have to give up Maltesers

The cons have it: no diet.