Joke 688

9 Feb

Some more Tim Viners from my mate Dave:

Tim Vine: The funniest of Edinburgh Festival F...

Tim Vine: The funniest of Edinburgh Festival Fringe one-liners (Photo credit: Ninian Reid)

  • You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
  • You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.  He’s a catholic converter.
  • So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase and he went “T’PAU!”  I said, “Don’t you mean KAPOW?  He said, “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
  • You invented Tipp Ex.  Correct me if I’m wrong.
  • I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
  • I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet, ‘Best Before End…’
  • So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, “Analogue.”  I said, “No, just a watch.”
  • I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle?”  The bloke said, “Kenwood.” I said, “Where is he?”
  • So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
  • I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.  They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

9 Responses to “Joke 688”

  1. terry1954 February 9, 2013 at 04:10 #

    LOL oh good ones!!!!!


  2. jmgoyder February 9, 2013 at 05:44 #

    The first one is what I would like to do!


  3. slpmartin February 9, 2013 at 06:21 #

    Like the one about “smoke alarm with a snooze button”…does sound a bit like me during the long winter nights.


  4. vivinfrance February 9, 2013 at 08:42 #

    Yes, I think the snooze button is the champion of all these.


  5. Elaine - I used to be indecisive February 9, 2013 at 10:04 #

    😀 I like them all – too hard to pick a favourite!


  6. Grannymar February 9, 2013 at 10:20 #

    Thanks for the reminder, I am off to test my snooze button!


  7. viveka February 9, 2013 at 18:29 #

    Mad as … normal – and I have to come back another day. *smile



  1. There’s no going back now… | Me! Me! Me me me! - February 9, 2013

    […] up the generator and switched on the computer. The first thing I saw, courtesy of my good friend Tilly; the Laughing Housewife, was an ancient video of T’Pau singing China In Your Hand. The next thing I saw was a photo of a […]


I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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