Joke 703

24 Feb
 
Felix Baumgartner sky dive cartoon: Whiz Funnies

Felix Baumgartner sky dive cartoon: Whiz Funnies (Photo credit: WhizTimes)

  1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  2. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  3. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  4. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  5. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
  6. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
  7. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  9. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
  10. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute only to skydive twice.
  11. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  12. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  13. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  14. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  15. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

Thanks to Pseu for these.  She found them here.

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20 Responses to “Joke 703”

  1. terry1954 February 24, 2013 at 04:06 #

    these are absolutely the best!!!!!

    Like

  2. jmgoyder February 24, 2013 at 04:23 #

    I particularly like 15!

    Like

  3. siggiofmaine February 24, 2013 at 05:41 #

    Lottsa good ones … thanks ☺

    Like

  4. Katharine Trauger February 24, 2013 at 07:11 #

    Number Five! 🙂

    Like

  5. vivinfrance February 24, 2013 at 09:00 #

    These are all fabulous – your best ever! Especially number 8 – and number 3 made me laugh longest!

    Like

  6. restlessjo February 24, 2013 at 09:32 #

    Wonderful, Tilly, and so true! You’re obviously feeling more like yourself.

    Like

  7. mairedubhtx February 24, 2013 at 14:15 #

    These were oh so very true that some were not so funny.

    Like

  8. SchmidleysScribbling February 24, 2013 at 16:03 #

    Good ones. I especially like the bald-headed guy with a beer gut looking sexy bit. Why I don’t go to high school reunions. Dianne

    Like

  9. slpmartin February 24, 2013 at 18:09 #

    Really enjoyed these…a number had a strong element of truth to them…which of course adds to the humor…have a great week.

    Like

  10. Viveka February 24, 2013 at 19:47 #

    Only one word; Outstanding. !!!! Love everything one of them. 12. You’re never too old to learn something stupid, my clear favorite.

    Like

  11. SidevieW February 24, 2013 at 20:22 #

    my conscience is crystal clear, or is that foggy?

    Like

  12. Grannymar February 24, 2013 at 21:19 #

    I was nodding my head at No 14. I never get a return for my money, so gave up using them years ago.

    Like

  13. WomanBitesDog February 25, 2013 at 00:05 #

    Number 14. So true.

    Like

  14. lanceleuven February 25, 2013 at 14:11 #

    ‘Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.’

    This is very true. And i can say that with the confidence of personal experience. Because it’s something that I’ve done to others on many occasions. 🙂

    Like

  15. Perfecting Motherhood March 1, 2013 at 07:09 #

    I believe Mark Twain is the one who said the first quote. It’s one of my favorite.

    Like

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I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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