Archive | March, 2013

Happy Easter!

31 Mar

Easter seems to be all about dogs this year.

B&B #bb #bedandbreakfast #dog #food #fun #funn...

B&B #bb #bedandbreakfast #dog #food #fun #funny #quote #true #joke #humor #irony #joke #sarcasm #actually #spain #igers #igersgirona #igersspain #iphonesia #instagramhub #photooftheday #instamood #bestoftheday #picoftheday #igdaily #jj #meme #rage #clubso (Photo credit: Sin Amigos)

At the Good Friday service, meant to be solemn, tacent and contemplative, we were joined by a sweet Yorkie cross, being babysat by an old lady who told everyone who ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ over the dog, ‘David said it was okay for me to bring Pepper!’*

*David is the vicar and not the old lady’s imaginary friend.  Pepper was the dog.  I didn’t see her wee, or I’d be writing about Pepper spray.

The dog was very well-behaved. Better behaved, in fact, than the old lady, who spent the whole time whispering to the only small child present, who replied in stage whispers.   They seemed to enjoy themselves.

At this morning’s service we had a guide dog in training, a black lab puppy named Max.  Beautiful dog, and also well-behaved.  Not like the time a young man brought his new pup and it did several rapid laps around the pews during the creed.

Perhaps it was the dogs who inspired David today.  Half way through a talk about the astonishment that was felt when the tomb was found to be empty, he apologised for losing his train of thought, but he was starving because he’d had no breakfast – and then he surprised us all by opening a tin of Pedigree Chum and eating some of it.  He shared it with a few brave children and even cornered a young fellow only there because his banns were being read (I wonder if he’ll turn up for the wedding?).

Mars bar (UK style). Photo by sannse.

Mars bar (UK style). Photo by sannse. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It was semi-melted Mars Bar, of course, poured into a re-labelled prunes can; but David shared that information only with those of us who asked him after the service if it really was a tin of Chum?  I’m a little worried, now I think about it, that many people didn’t ask him what was in the tin; did they take his act at face value?  No doubt, he will forever be remembered in the parish as that funny bloke in the long dress who ate dog food during the sermon.

As my friend Lois said in relation to something else entirely, but which seems rather apposite here – you can find anything in the Church of England.


The previous word was ‘slimsy’: Flimsy, frail – what this post is in relation to the true Easter story.  

If you celebrate it, Happy Easter!

Joke 738

31 Mar
Not a Light Bulb Joke

Not a Light Bulb Joke (Photo credit: cogdogblog)

Q: How many Bill Gates’ does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How many MicroSoft tech support people dies it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be 4 or 5 things wrong…have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many MicroSoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.

Q: How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many MicroSoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don’t actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix.

Q: How many MicroSoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days. If you call before 2 PM, and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don’t forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of the light bulb box.

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they’ll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user.

Q: How many MicroSoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many MicroSoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.


Joke 737

30 Mar

On the Brighter Side of Life 

Looking for whale mother illustration

Looking for whale mother illustration (Photo credit:

  • Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  • How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • Remember: half the people you know are below average.
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
  • Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

From Will & Guy

Joke 736

29 Mar
Easter Bunny

Easter Bunny (Photo credit: subtle_devices)

A man came out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door to shake hands.  He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”  

The man replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

The Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”    

The man whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”




Joke 735

28 Mar
  • What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.  Rodney Dangerfield
  • Photo
  • She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.   Bob Hope
  • When someone asks you the question, “Are you ticklish?” it doesn’t matter if you say yes or no, cause they’re going to touch you. If someone asks if you’re ticklish and you don’t want to be touched you should say something like, “I have diarrhoea, now don’t touch me cause you’ll make it come out…and yes, I’m very ticklish.”   Demetri Martin
  • I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it’s all a little lower.   Gypsy Rose Lee
  • Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?  George Carlin
  • All I do is eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. There must be more to a cat’s life than that. But I hope not. Garfield
  • How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don’t know how to spell my name.  (Upon receiving a cheque from Jack Buck made out to “Bearer”) Yogi Berra
  • Don’t knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.  Kin Hubbard
  • Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. Mark Twain
  • I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.  Will Rogers
  • I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.  Erma Bombeck


Thanks to Elizabeth at Mirth & Musings for the jokes; the pics are from Facebook.

Best Of Manchester Poets 3

27 Mar

I forgot to mention – I had a poem accepted for the latest Best Of Manchester Poets anthology.  That means I’ve had a poem in each collection.   Poems are judged anonymously.  

This year’s poem is called Tsetse Rat.  It’s one of my favourites of all I have written: it was inspired by the sight of a dead rat at the bus stop.

If  you happen to be in and around Manchester tomorrow night, the book’s launch is taking place at a free event at the Eighth Day Cafe, Oxford Road, M1 7DU, 7:30-10.  Poets in the book will be reading from the collection and it is hosted by Dominic Berry.


Find Dominic Berry on Book A Poet

I can’t make it, unfortunately, because I’m feeling a little slimsy at the moment; but I was at the launch of the first anthology and it was great fun.

The book is available to buy on Amazon or from the publisher, Puppywolf, but you can read one poem for free:


Tsetse Rat 

Poor rat and your pedestrian end:
was it death by cat?
I hope it was old age; you fell asleep.
Dark comfort in your long rest.

Dangerous praise to resent your passing,
forlorn corpse; scorned by
heels and prams and bicycle wheels.

Sleep peacefully, rat, on your dull part
of the dirty path; curled like an idle moon.



The previous word was ‘rutilant’: Glowing or glittering with ruddy or golden light – what I do each time I have a poem accepted.  It never gets old.


Joke 734

27 Mar
First World Man Problems 05

First World Man Problems 05 (Photo credit: AV Dezign)

There are TWO secrets to success at Poker:

Rule #1: Never tell your secrets.


What is the difference between a large pizza and a professional poker player?

The large pizza can feed a family of four.


A woman who played poker once a month with a group of female coworkers was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home in the early hours.

One night she decided to try not to wake him. She undressed in the living room, put her bag over her shoulder, and tiptoed nude into the bedroom.  She was surprised to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

“Oh no!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”


From titanpokerblog


Joke 733

26 Mar
Platnik Fishing Cartoon Playing Cards

Platnik Fishing Cartoon Playing Cards (Photo credit: andertoons)

Ten common fishing expressions explained

1) Catch and Release: This is a conservation term that happens right before the local Fish and Game Protection Officer stops your boat when you have caught over the limit.

2) Hook: (i) A small curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (ii) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (iii) The punch administered by the fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings [see also, right hook, left hook].

3) Line: Something you give your colleagues when they ask on Monday how your fishing went over the weekend.

4) Lure: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

5) Reel: A weighty object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

6) Rod: An attractively painted length of fibreglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

7) School: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your £15.99 [$USD30] lures and hold out for bread instead.

8) Tackle: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

9) Tackle Box: A box shaped amazingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a plaster [band aid], you find that you need more than one.

10) Test: (i) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (ii) A measure of your creativity in blaming the line for once again losing the fish.

From Will & Guy.


Joke 732

25 Mar

Because you seemed to enjoy yesterday’s jokes so much, I found some more.

Sign in front of church

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”


An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain’t never seen anything like that before!”

Cartoon by Ron Stanfield -

At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”

Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”


It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with his mother. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.

“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his father told him.

“Wouldn’t you know it,” Johnny fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go and he shows up.”


Cartoons and jokes from swapmeetdave.


Joke 731

24 Mar

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.  The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a

Loud Yelling Please

Loud Yelling Please (Photo credit: Enokson)

human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.  As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

The  girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to ‘honour thy Father and thy Mother’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

One little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast with her brunette hair.  She asked, ‘Why are some of
your hairs white, Mum?’

Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

The little girl thought about this for a while and then said, ‘How come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’


Phila. Teachers on Capitol Steps, Wash., D.C.,...

Phila. Teachers on Capitol Steps, Wash., D.C., 5/13/11 (LOC) (Photo credit: The Library of Congress)

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.  ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a parochial elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.  The aide made a note, and posted it on the apple tray:

Take only ONE…God is watching.

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.  A child had written a note:

Take all you want. God is watching the apples.


Thanks to Katharine Trauger at Home’s Cool! for these.


I’m Not Giving Up Blogging…

23 Mar

…but I have to scale back

For a while, at least.

In the past few months my visits to your blogs have been intermittent at best; and in the past two weeks, almost non-existent.   I struggle to find the time but I don’t want to neglect you.  Not returning your visits is bad manners and I apologise.  Interaction is a huge part of what makes blogging fun; no interaction, and it’s just me talking at you.  I have battled guilt about it; guilt always wins. That has reduced my enjoyment of blogging.    

Peter Steiner's cartoon

Peter Steiner’s cartoon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have decided to take the advice I always give to other bloggers who make these sort of Help! I’m drowning in unanswered comments! posts – if you’re not enjoying blogging, then stop.  I’m feeling a little burned out by blogging and it’s not as much fun as it used to be.

If you see me as rutilant – as I hope you do – you will naturally be devastated by my announcement, so I should make one thing clear:

I am not giving up blogging

  • I will continue to post my daily joke
  • I will post at least twice a week
  • More, if I feel like it
  • I will answer comments if I can
  • I will not visit you every day but I will try to visit more than I have been doing
  • I will understand if you decide to leave me, but don’t be surprised if I cry

If you don’t want the hassle of checking in every day in the understandable but forlorn hope that I might have deigned to talk to you today, you can always subscribe – third widget on the right then straight on for mourning.

Subscribers up = visits down but taking a hit on my hits is the least I deserve for my despicable dereliction of blogging duty.

I hope this is just a temporary situation and you’ll hang around to find out.  But I’m selfish like that.

Happy blogging!



The two previous words:

Pleonasticthe use of more words than are necessary to express an idea. Guilty as charged.  Always.

Quozsomething queer or absurd.  Again, guilty as charged.


Joke 730

23 Mar

Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.  The barmaid looks at the creature and asks Mike what he calls it.







Things Newts Do

Things Newts Do (Photo credit: ingridtaylar)


‘Tiny,’ answers Mike.


‘Why’s that?’ inquires the barmaid.


‘Because he’s my newt.’ 




From Will & Guy.


Joke 729

22 Mar
Skunk Dog Outfit

Skunk Dog Outfit (Photo credit:

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength.  None in the forest dared to challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all…hawk, lion and stinker.

From Will & Guy

A Day In Carlisle

21 Mar
The nave of the Carlisle Cathedral, Cumbria, E...

The nave of the Carlisle Cathedral, Cumbria, England. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sorry for no blog yesterday – there was nothing quoz about it; just admin: I wanted to post about my trip to Carlisle but I had used up 99% of my photo allocation.  I had no time to write a post because I spent the afternoon playing Cyberman: Delete!  Delete! Delete!

It wasn’t a random trip to Carlisle – I went to visit Viv of Vivinfrance fame. For non-residents and geography noobs, Carlisle is not in France, and neither was Viv – she was in the north of England, visiting her daughter Sally and family for five days. You can read about our meeting from her perspective on her blog.

Sally gave me a choice of places to meet that were accessible by train, my preferred form of travel, and Carlisle was easiest and cheapest – £24 return on an Advance Saver ticket, but I had to travel on specific trains at specific times.

A week last Tuesday saw me up at stupid o’clock, when it was -4 outside, and leaving the house at seven-ten for the 7:37 train.  I changed at Preston, with a wait long enough to include a much-needed cup of tea.  I opted for a medium cup; it did not cool in time for me to drink it before it was time to board the train.  

Ever tried to use a station toilet wearing winter clothes, including gloves,  and carrying two bags and a medium cup of tea?  I don’t recommend it.  You can’t leave the cup outside in case someone drugs it or, worse, steals it.  

Keeping one hand, erm…un-used, in order to maintain the cup’s hygienic purity, resulted in contortions and grunts, and – once I emerged to see the long queue which had formed of irate people needing a wee before getting onto their train – disapproving stares.

After a pleasant journey in which none of the ladies from my toilet were on the same train, I finally disembarked into Viv’s cuddling arms at 10:46.

I had a gift for her (you can’t visit empty-handed; my mother taught me that): 


It is a packet of tissues.  Viv writes amusing and/or pained poems from wordles, or word clouds, with which she has a hate-hate relationship.  I thought she might find the packet amusing.

Don’t worry, that’s not all I took for Viv – I also gave her a packet in white.  We had a good laugh about it:


We visited an interesting bookshop, in which I was sorely tempted to buy English: A Course For Human Beings by Eric Partridge, but I was worried it might offend the next alien invaders to earth.

Viv then treated Sally and me to lunch in a friendly little place next door.


Here’s mine.  Yummy!  The filling of chicken and bacon was so large, I couldn’t finish it.  That must surely be a first.


After a long and chatty lunch, we visited Carlisle Cathedral, across the road.  Viv spotted this and said it reminded her of me after a large meal, snoozing in a corner:


Sadly, Viv and Sally had to leave at three, to be home for Sally’s son.  We walked back to the station; here’s the view from the station entrance:


Just out of sight is the woman who backed her car into a post as I was waving to my friends.  She made an ‘Oops!’ gesture and drove off without checking the damage.

Because of my ticket restrictions, I had almost four hours before my first train home.  I walked back to the cathedral because I had noticed a tourist information office next door.  I told the woman there that I had three hours to kill; what could I do?  She suggested the castle just down the road (literally – Carlisle is a small city).


Under the road in the photo above is a subway to access the castle.  It is like a mini-museum, with engineering artifacts and plaques.  Very interesting.

The photo below is of the subway, taken from the castle side.  The floor has names engraved in it, but I don’t know whose.


The castle is promising from the outside but is mostly a cluster of buildings inside.  I had a wander and I came upon an old man who watched me for a while and who must have assumed I was looking for the military museum which I didn’t know existed, because he said, ‘We usually close at four but I’ve turned off the lights already.  I don’t mind putting them on again if you want to look around the museum.’  He was so obliging, I accepted his offer.

The museum is small but fascinating, detailing the history of Cumbria’s Border and King’s Own regiments.

I haven’t seen this view of the trenches in a museum before; quite humbling.


The curator and I had a bit of a chat and then it was time for me to find something else to do.  Tourist sites close at four in Carlisle so I had a wander around the shops.  Did you know, every pound shop across the country stocks the same items?  Must be why they can sell stuff for a pound.

Fatigued by five, because I’d been on the go all day, I found a greasy spoon and ordered egg & chips and a mug of tea for me tea (for my non-Brit readers wondering about that last sentence, I’ve lapsed into my original strong northern accent, which I do when I’m tired or surrounded by other strong northern accents).

I was the only person in there and the owner disappeared into the back to (as he later explained, when I called him after spending a pleasant twenty minutes writing in my notebook in the silent shop) jiggle with his phone.


After me tea I made a slow, slow walk back to the station: partly to pass the time; partly because I was beginning to feel as old as my friendly curator of the museum.

There was a quiet waiting room at the station and I spent an hour reading, checking the electronic timetable.  The 18:46 Euston train from Glasgow was On Time…On Time…On Time…Delayed.   Uh oh.

Worried about my ticket and transfers, I found a helpful member of staff – by the way, I’ve never met a friendlier bunch of people; not one person I spoke to or from whom I asked help was grumpy or unpleasant.  I bet Carlisle even has nice bus drivers – and explained my dilemma: I had an Advance Saver ticket and had to get on specific trains at specific times (I put that last bit in for your benefit – the train man already knew how Advance Saver tickets work).

He told me he expected the train to be cancelled – it had hit someone.  It was an express train, so I’m sure it was bad news.

Darryl the Train Man told me to get on the next train to Preston, even though it was earlier than my ticket allowed.  He said that all the staff knew what had happened so I shouldn’t have any trouble and if I did, to tell them to call him at Carlisle.

The next train to Preston, where I was to change for Manchester Piccadilly  and then again for Stockport, came in three minutes later.  It was only once I was on that I saw it was going all the way to Manchester Airport, its penultimate stop being Piccadilly.  The nice female conductor not only gave me no trouble, she said I could stay on to Piccadilly and even printed out a new ticket to Stockport, to save me any hassle that side.

I arrived on Platform 13, in the bowels of Piccadilly at around 8:30 p.m.  A young woman with a toddler, a huge suitcase, a laptop and a large handbag was struggling, so I offered to take her case.  Her English wasn’t great so we walked together in silence through the extended concourse (besides, what do you say to a complete stranger who manhandles your luggage from you?), and I finally came up with a conversation starter: Are you going on?  

Sheffield, she said, and that was the extent of our chat until her grateful ‘thank you’s when I handed over her case; I don’t think she’d been convinced she was getting it back.  I wandered off in search of my 8:43 Stockport train – it was on…Platform 13.  I started to run as fast as you can run when you’ve been shopping, sightseeing, travelling and visiting all day, when I saw the Sheffield train.  I ran back to my young woman of the toddler and dragged her and her suitcase on to the right platform.  I told her not to panic because she had forty minutes until it left, then ran back again – really running this time – to the platform at which I’d first arrived.

I hopped onto my train just in time.  As we pulled off, the driver announced, ‘Welcome to the 20:43 train bound for Nottingham, calling at Stockport and…Sheffield.’


Joke 728

21 Mar
a tree swallowing a road sign - nature is so s...

a tree swallowing a road sign – nature is so strong… (Photo credit: Frank Wuestefeld)

My friend was fired from his job at the road department for stealing.

I have to say, I saw it coming.  The last time I was at his house, all the signs were there.

From punoftheday.

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