Archive | 18:54

Prompters, Panic & Sharpened Pencils

7 Mar

enders-game-harrison-ford-asa-butterfield

I’ve watched through his eyes, I’ve listened through his ears, and I tell you he’s the one.

I hope you don’t mind another prompt post.  I had  42 prompts sitting in my inbox, begging to be answered.

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Take the first sentence from your favorite book and make it the first sentence of your post.

I don’t think you thought this through, dear prompter: the first line of this post bears no relation to the rest of the post; shouldn’t you have instructed me to carry on the story?  As it is, all I have is a confused reader and a line from Ender’s Game – being made into a movie at last, at last, at last! 

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What’s the most surreal experience you’ve ever had?

Front garden of the Big Breakfast house

Front garden of the Big Breakfast house (Photo credit: Ben Sutherland)

Meeting a pretend stripper and a pretend gangster on The Big Breakfast.

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Now that you’ve got some blogging experience under your belt, re-write your very first post.

The original post:

[I didn’t know how to use the colour icon back then]

I’ve just had my teenage son sort me out with my own blog; now I have to hope
1. I can think of something interesting to write and
2. I can get some people to read it.

Mission Statement: to be amusing (mission: impossible)

Welcome, new reader;  I hope you enjoy this as much as I expect to.

Now for the official bit: you can’t reproduce anything on this site without my permission; it all belongs to me…nnnhhhaahhhaaahhaaaaa! (Wicked laughter, not a raspberry)

The re-written post:

I swear I’m funny; please like me.

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Tell us about a teacher who had a real impact on your life, either for the better or the worse. How is your life different today because of him or her?

Mr Lever marked down my English essay because I used the word ‘amoral’, which he said did not exist.  I looked it up in the Oxford Dictionary.  It did and does exist.  I did not have the courage to prove my point.

I now have a compulsive obsession to make fun of WordPress prompters who make grammar and punctuation errors* and if they dare misspell a word…well, let’s just say it’s not pretty.

*Should that be ‘grammatical and punctuational errors’?  I’ve lost my Cassell Guide To Common Errors In English so I can’t check.

GrammarlyonFB

GrammarlyonFB (Photo credit: tengrrl)

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You’re locked in a room with your greatest fear. Describe what’s in the room.

An angry WordPress prompter with a grammar handbook in one hand and a well-sharpened pencil in the other.  I suspect they suffer from dacnomania, brought on by pedantic bloggers and evil dentists.

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Honestly evaluate the way you respond to crisis situations. Are you happy with the way you react?

  •  If it’s a bomb threat, I have no problem speaking quietly to the store manager and calling for an orderly evacuation.
  • If the building is on fire when I am seven months’ pregnant, I have no problem ensuring all students have been evacuated from the classrooms before evacuating myself.
  • Ahem.  I mean, I have no problem ensuring all students have been evacuated from the classrooms before I leave the building in an orderly if somewhat clumsy fashion.
  • If the door is locked and there’s an angry prompter with a sharpened pencil, I have no problem screaming as I scratch at the window in a  futile attempt to avoid being…well, let’s just say it’s not pretty.

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I’m pleased to see you had no trouble spotting yesterday’s word, cunctation (procrastination; delay).  I hope my use of it didn’t put you off.

 

 

 

Joke 714

7 Mar

Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

An animated cartoon of a person table wrestling

An animated cartoon of a person table wrestling (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.  I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.  I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.  I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.

Age Gets Better With Wine

Age Gets Better With Wine (Photo credit: Jill Clardy)

I’m going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.  I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.  I decide I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.  I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall, trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
* The car isn’t washed
* The bills aren’t paid
* There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface
* The flowers don’t have enough water
* There is still only one cheque in my cheque book
* I can’t find the remote
* I can’t find my glasses and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I decide I’ll search online to see if I can get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.

I just remembered: I left the water running.

*

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From Will & Guy

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