How To Get On Television – A True Story

10 Mar

I thought for part three (?) (I’ve lost track.  I suspect some of you have lost the will to live) of the story – because I’ve had a happy but busy day, it’s late and I’m too tired to be original – I would post something I wrote ten years ago.  In my defence, I haven’t c+p because I didn’t know how to save documents on a computer back then, so I dug out the original and typed it up in my own fair hand whilst cursing you and wishing for my bed.

How To Get On Television

  • Be green or, as some section of the atrociously wicked (facinorous) print media would have it, mean.

    Channel 4's logo is now cut out from a white b...

    Channel 4’s logo is now cut out from a white background, and is shown in moving distortions that reveal programme-specific graphics underneath (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  • Be completely misrepresented in a certain Sunday piece of trash writing tabloid jerk newspaper (bitter? Not at all).
  • Answer the door to a stranger who turns out to be a neighbour.
  • Listen in increasing astonishment as the neighbour asks if it’s true we are ex-directory and were in The Certain Sunday Piece of Trash Writing Tabloid Jerk Newspaper because if so it’s not a wind-up and the people at Channel Four’s The Big Breakfast went to the trouble of tracking down her number to ask her to ask me will I please phone this number at The Big Breakfast if I want to be on telly?
  • Immediately phone The Big Breakfast because I want to be on telly.
  • Hear a total stranger (not a neighbour) offer me and my family a week in London, on the telly, all expenses paid; day trips out and famous people thrown in.
  • Say yes.
  • Complete the application forms that arrive in next day’s post.  With difficulty, because my nails are chewed down to the knuckles in the fear that it really is a wind-up.
  • Wait.
  • Wait.
  • Swear one or two hundred of my closest friends to secret because I’ll burst if I don’t tell someone.
  • Wait.
  • Go 93 hours without sleep.
  • Wait.
  • Answer the phone to hear Scott say, Hello, this is Scott from The Big Breakfast.  We’ve decided not to use your family next week.
  • Be cool and laid back about being rejected and humiliated, not act like some pathetic gangrel, begging for a chance to be famous for five times fifteen minutes: Okay, fine.
  • Baffled silence.
  • Let Scott confuse me: So is Thursday night all right for us to come and film?
  • Be sorry: I’m sorry?
  • Let Scott confuse me some more: We’d like to come and film you all at home on Thursday, or possibly Friday.
  • Be less sorry: Sorry?  Did you say you DO want to use us next week?
  • Fall in love with Scott: Yes, that’s right.  I thought you didn’t react much.  Are you excited?
  • Be cool and laid back about being selected; I am British, after all: Oh, yes.  It should be nice.
  • Put down the phone.
  • Wish I’d remembered to say ta-ra to Scott first.  Oh well, he has my number; and my neighbour’s.
  • Run around the room in an orgasmic frenzy chanting, I’m going to be telly!  I’m going to be on telly!
  • Finally get Andy Warhol.
  • Spend from now until Friday morning cleaning the house; and then cleaning it again.  I may be green and mean but I’m not dirty.  Not when I’m expecting film crews, anyway.
  • Ignore the Hub when he tells me I’m overdoing it – it is perhaps just a teeny-weeny bit slightly maybe possible that they will want to film the far corner behind the wine rack on the top kitchen cupboard, so it’s good to be prepared.
  • Glow like a clean house with excitement.
  • Answer the door to the film crew…

Look out for part four tomorrow, in which I tease out the details some more, in the hope of stretching this story to a full week’s worth of blog posts.

As a sweetener, the Hub has promised to try to upload some of the video from our week on The Big Breakfast.

And remind me to explain the tea bags, which I realise I haven’t yet done.

18 Responses to “How To Get On Television – A True Story”

  1. sharechair March 10, 2013 at 23:51 #

    I want the video!


  2. viveka March 10, 2013 at 23:53 #

    Linda … this is better than reality TV – just bring on the end. *smile


  3. laurieanichols March 11, 2013 at 00:03 #

    This reminds me of the serial books in the papers. Cliff hanger until the next edition. I love this story!!


  4. Al March 11, 2013 at 00:06 #

    As pertains to your first sentence….do you recommend ingesting arsenic or a 34-story plunge?


  5. Barbara March 11, 2013 at 00:13 #

    PS really excited for part 4!!

    It is quite unfair of you to not let us know how many parts this story has!!


  6. Elaine - I used to be indecisive March 11, 2013 at 00:19 #

    I am looking forward to part 4! 😀


  7. slpmartin March 11, 2013 at 03:18 #

    Hmm…if you submitted this script to reality tv they would reject it as being impossible. 🙂


  8. vivinfrance March 11, 2013 at 11:30 #

    Things are hotting up. I didn’t get today’s new word – perhaps I know them all? I do read dictionaries for fun and watch a lot of Countdown.


    • Janet C. Coyle March 11, 2013 at 12:11 #

      Oh Hurry up with the next bit…..I’m all ears and eyes now…


  9. Katharine Trauger March 11, 2013 at 12:42 #

    We were on TV once, and had just moved into our house. Wish I’d thought to hang something over the sofa. The blank wall was rather obvious from the ” telly’s ” point of view. 😐


  10. Maddie Cochere March 11, 2013 at 15:00 #

    I am loving this story so much!! I see you have part four posted, so am off to see how the filming went. Side note: We were contacted once by ABC Television to participate in the Wife Swap program. I was horrified. They only choose people who are a little on the crazy train for that show. I refused to respond to the inquiry.


  11. Grannymar March 12, 2013 at 09:49 #

    I’m kinda cheating… arriving late, I just fast forward to the next episode!


  12. bluebee March 16, 2013 at 04:20 #

    Going to ration myself not to read this gripping series all at once – how many of these stories-never-told do you have up your sleeve, Tilly Bud?


    • The Laughing Housewife March 16, 2013 at 11:23 #

      I don’t know 🙂 To me, it’s just part of an ordinary life; it’s only when something reminds me of them that I remember.



  1. The Telly Chronicles, Part Four | The Laughing Housewife - March 11, 2013

    […] How To Get On Television – A True Story ( […]


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