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Two Big Breakfasts, Thank Goodness

12 Mar
English: Richard Bacon, former Blue Peter pres...

English: Richard Bacon, former Blue Peter presenter. Cropped from original. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The alarm woke us at about three a.m.  It could have been four or even five a.m. All I know is, it was way too a.m. for me; and I am an early bird by inclination.  

Unsure if anyone would put make-up on me, I put make-up on me.  As it turned out, no one did put make-up on me except me, so I was glad I’d had the four a.m. thought.

A driver collected us at half-past dawn in a fancy Jaguar and told us – upon request – about the famous people he had carried.  He may have been indiscreet but I was too snoring to take it in.  It is irrefragable that I was excited, but it was hard to tell over my closed eyes and open mouth.

He was Richard Bacon’s driver and I sat in Richard Bacon’s seat.  A little light was on – whether that was for Richard (I don’t want to keep writing ‘Richard Bacon’; do you think I should write ‘Dick Pig’ for short?  Hmm…maybe not)…RB’s light was on, perhaps for him to read the day’s script or newspapers; possibly for the paparazzi to spot him, because it had just come out that he was dating Blue Peter’s Konnie Huq.  I turned it off – I can’t abide an unnecessary light and it was doubtful – nay, certain – if any paparazzi would be interested in me.  Besides, it was keeping me awake.

We drove through burned out, abandoned cars to reach the business park where the studio was situated.  Ah, the glamour of breakfast television!  We received a warm and friendly welcome and instructions to help ourselves to tea, coffee, cereal and toast – made on a conveyor belt-type toasting machine thingy that I couldn’t work out.  I set off the smoke alarm.

We were trotted down to TBB house just before the seven a.m. kick-off.  It was surprisingly small and extremely grubby – I needn’t have worried about the corner behind the wine rack on the top kitchen cupboard in my house; even unwiped it was cleaner than TBB’s carpet.

Dirt was soon forgotten – we had a riot!  Utter chaos but great fun: we (everyone there, not just us) were shuffled from room to room between adverts and videos. We met TV presenters Richard Bacon, Amanda Byram and Lisa Rogers (then dating Ralf Little).  We were interviewed in a section called Dish the Dirt,  in the kitchen – having first been warned not to drink the orange juice after Day One, because it was the same glass all week.

English: Amanda Byram in July 2010.

English: Amanda Byram in July 2010. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Some of the stuff we told about each other:

  • The Hub won 10kg of cheese in a game show
  • He told a dentist, You hurt me; I’ll hurt you.
  • Tilly has smelly feet and refuses to get rid of her old slippers
  • She asked a shop assistant where they kept the tins of cauliflower
  • Tory Boy was catapulted from his pram and landed face down in the gravel (which explains a lot)
  • Spud told Michael Barrymore (another TV show; another story), that when Tilly breaks wind they all have to wear gas masks (his brother put him up to that one)

There were other guests that morning and after the show we all sat down together – cast, crew, guests – to eat…you guessed it – a big breakfast!  A proper cooked English breakfast with all the trimmings.  Staff had to pay but guests got it for free, which was just as well because I’d been up since stupid o’clock and Spud was starting to look tasty.

After breakfast, someone gave us a wad of cash for our expenses (meals, drinks, spending money) and a driver took four grinning but tired Northerners back to their hotel to recover from the excitement.

Coming Up: An Afternoon Out.  

Stay Tuned!

Also coming this week:

  • Spud and a Cast of Thousands in The Tempest
  • My Mother’s Day Highlights 
  • A Day Trip To Carlisle

Handsel: To use, try or experience for the first time, like me not eating breakfast until 9:30.

 

Joke 719

12 Mar

Questions Asked of Canadian Reference Librarians:

Funny shelving category at San Francisco's Kay...

Funny shelving category at San Francisco’s Kayo Books: CATHOLIC GUILT (Photo credit: gruntzooki)

  • Do you have books here?
  • Do you have that book by Rushdie, Satanic Nurses? [Actual title: Satanic Verses]
  • I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months.
  • Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?
  • Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?
  • Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?

Forbidden Library Titles For Children:

  • Gerbil Merry-Go-Round and Other Great Microwave Games
  • Fifty New Places to Poke a Pencil
  • Flying Lessons for Kittens

From Will & Guy.

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