Joke 726

19 Mar
English: arial view of the Gardens of la Chato...

English: arial view of the Gardens of la Chatonniere (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

THE LORD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the western hemisphere? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds.

I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

THE LORD: Grass? But it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

THE LORD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

THE LORD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

THE LORD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir – just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

THE LORD: Now, let me get this straight: they fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

THE LORD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

THE LORD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You’d better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

THE LORD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

THE LORD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

THE LORD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It’s a really stupid movie about…

THE LORD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

From Will & Guy.

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15 Responses to “Joke 726”

  1. slpmartin March 19, 2013 at 04:14 #

    A few truths hidden in this joke. 🙂

    Like

  2. benzeknees March 19, 2013 at 04:24 #

    Looking at it that way it does seem really stupid doesn’t it?

    Like

  3. adeeyoyo March 19, 2013 at 06:58 #

    We do sound like a bunch of idiots, don’t we! 🙂

    Like

  4. vivinfrance March 19, 2013 at 08:59 #

    That is my favourite of all the jokes you have posted. I shall show it to Jock – who is fed up with mowing – and he will be comforted.

    Like

  5. bevchen March 19, 2013 at 09:34 #

    Brilliant! Mostly because it’s true.

    Like

  6. Elaine - I used to be indecisive March 19, 2013 at 10:20 #

    Ha ha! So true. 😀

    Like

  7. Viveka March 19, 2013 at 13:18 #

    …. are we stupid or what ???? – So true and so funny.

    Like

  8. mairedubhtx March 19, 2013 at 13:47 #

    Loved this one.

    Like

  9. SchmidleysScribbling March 19, 2013 at 17:14 #

    I don’t know what they are doing in your neighborhood, but the mulch around here comes from leaves and other yard debris our county collects every fall, composts, and then resells as mulch. They call it Black Gold and I wish everyone did it.

    Like

  10. Grannymar March 19, 2013 at 22:29 #

    Fools and their money are easily parted!

    I loved this one and stole it to send to two of my siblings who are obsessed about their grass!

    Like

  11. robincoyle March 20, 2013 at 00:09 #

    I am a suburbanite. I now feel like a fool.

    Like

  12. terry1954 March 20, 2013 at 01:44 #

    this was fascinating, thanks!!!!

    Like

  13. lanceleuven March 20, 2013 at 15:37 #

    That was very clever. 🙂

    Like

  14. vastlycurious.com March 26, 2013 at 03:52 #

    I am so in awe of how you accomplish all of this!

    Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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