Joke 735

28 Mar
  • What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.  Rodney Dangerfield
  • Photo
  • She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.   Bob Hope
  • When someone asks you the question, “Are you ticklish?” it doesn’t matter if you say yes or no, cause they’re going to touch you. If someone asks if you’re ticklish and you don’t want to be touched you should say something like, “I have diarrhoea, now don’t touch me cause you’ll make it come out…and yes, I’m very ticklish.”   Demetri Martin
  • I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it’s all a little lower.   Gypsy Rose Lee
  • Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?  George Carlin
  • All I do is eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. There must be more to a cat’s life than that. But I hope not. Garfield
  • How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don’t know how to spell my name.  (Upon receiving a cheque from Jack Buck made out to “Bearer”) Yogi Berra
  • Don’t knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.  Kin Hubbard
  • Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. Mark Twain
  • I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.  Will Rogers
  • I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.  Erma Bombeck

Photo

Thanks to Elizabeth at Mirth & Musings for the jokes; the pics are from Facebook.

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13 Responses to “Joke 735”

  1. terry1954 March 28, 2013 at 04:09 #

    I like your post tonight, especially watching the government and then reporting!

    Like

  2. Katharine Trauger March 28, 2013 at 05:41 #

    Ha! I love the Yogi Berra one! 😉

    Like

  3. colonialist March 28, 2013 at 07:55 #

    I particularly like the Bob Hope one which enables me to claim I’m approaching forty – and that I’m a LONG way away from it!

    Like

  4. Musings March 28, 2013 at 07:57 #

    I love Gypsy Rose Lee’s quote and can relate to it too painfully.

    Like

  5. benzeknees March 28, 2013 at 08:49 #

    These are some great one!

    Like

  6. countingducks March 28, 2013 at 12:12 #

    I loved the first one

    Like

  7. sharechair March 28, 2013 at 13:19 #

    There is some real wisdom in those one-liners. 🙂

    Like

  8. mairedubhtx March 28, 2013 at 13:20 #

    Unfortunately, I too often judge on grammar, spelling, and sentence structure, though I also offend.

    Like

  9. adinparadise March 28, 2013 at 13:35 #

    These really made me laugh, Tilly. One really has to love Garfield. 😀

    Like

  10. Grannymar March 28, 2013 at 21:55 #

    I often struggle with grammar, spelling, and sentence structure, but I manage to get my message across somehow.

    I have just made my daughter choke on her dinner, she is very ticklish! No need to say which joke I shared with her.

    Like

  11. jatwood4 March 28, 2013 at 23:45 #

    Great!

    Like

  12. SchmidleysScribbling March 29, 2013 at 14:23 #

    I could do without some of them, but I use the Gypsy Rose Lee line all the time….I love it. Dianne

    Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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