Sweet Gangnam Style by Greater Manchester Police

I saw this in March and meant to reblog it then. Ah well; it’s a nice way to celebrate the end of April.

Joke 768

Businesswoman Cindy was in the airport VIP lounge on her way to Los Angeles, when she noticed Donald Trump sitting on the sofa, enjoying a brandy.  As luck would have it, Cindy was meeting a very important client who was running late.  

Being a bold businesswoman, Cindy decided to approach Mr. Trump and introduce herself. Much to her surprise, Mr. Trump turned out to be very nice. Encouraged by this she explained to “the Donald” that she was about to close a very important business deal and that she would be very grateful if he could say a quick “Hello, Cindy” to her when she was with her client. Mr. Trump consented to do just that.

Ten minutes later while Cindy was speaking with her client, she felt a rap on her shoulder. It was Donald Trump. Cindy turned to look at him as Trump said, “Hi Cindy, what’s going on?”

To which Cindy glibly replied, “Not now, Donald; can’t you see I’m in a meeting?”

Thanks to Elizabeth at Mirth & Motivation for what may be a true story.

Joke 767

Some smelly old jokes for you.

• What sea creatures always win in a fight?   Mussels.
• What fish goes up the river at 100mph?   A motor pike.
• How do you communicate with a fish?   You drop it a line.
• 1st kipper: ‘Smoking’s bad for you.’   2nd kipper: ‘It’s OK, I’ve been cured.’
• What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?   Skate.
• Where are most fish found?   Between the head and the tail.
• What do fish sing to each other?   Salmon Chanted ‘Evening’.
• What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?   A flat fish.
• What is purple, lives in the sea and weighs 5000 pounds?   Moby Plum.

Thanks to photosbykev for these jokes.

Joke 766

find x (Photo credit: *n3wjack’s world in pixels)

Especially for Terry, who asked for school jokes.

• Pupil: If a person’s brain stops working, does he die?  Teacher: You’re alive, aren’t you?
• Q: How do you spell Hard Water with three letters?  A: ICE.
• Q: Why don’t you see giraffes in elementary school?  A: Because they’re all in high school.
• Q: Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?  A: She couldn’t control her pupils.
• Teacher: What is the plural of mouse? Pupil:  Mice.  Teacher:  Good, now what’s the plural of baby?  Pupil: Twins.
• Teacher:  So your dog ate your homework?  Fred: Yes.  Teacher:  And where is your dog? Fred: He’s at the vet. He doesn’t like math any more than I do.
• Pupil:  Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do? Teacher: Of course not.  Pupil:  Good, because I didn’t do my homework.
• Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Amy’s test paper.  Pupil:  I hope you didn’t see me either!

Find these and many more on Twitter, @schooljokes.

 

It’s Been A While

It’s been a while since I participated in Six Word Saturday and it’s been a while since I went

off to a table top sale

Car boot sale, Rosudgeon social club. Note St Piran’s flags for sale, under the table bottom left. A good sale for plants. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m going to walk up to church with my dogs and spend money I don’t really have on stuff I don’t really need.  A pleasant way to spend  Saturday.

But first, I’m going to take a shower: it’s been a while.

 

Joke 765

Animation of the structure of a section of DNA. The bases lie horizontally between the two spiraling strands. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Two strands of DNA were walking down the street.

One says to the other, “Do these genes make me look fat?”

From ajokeaday.com

 

Bring Me Sunshine

Sidey’s Weekend Theme is Sunshine.  Here in Stockport we don’t get much sunshine, being the English equivalent of Twilight‘s town of Forks, minus the pretty vampires.  So, just rain, then.

We have to make our own sunshine, so here you go – some fake sunshine, courtesy of You Tube:

Now that you are as depressed as we Stopfordians usually feel, here’s something that actually works like sunshine is supposed to:

Have a great weekend, flowers!

Big Sunflower (Photo credit: eggheadsherpa)

How to have fun in spite of rain:

 

Joke 764

Children Liquidation (Photo credit: Magna Designs)

Rachel was out walking with Jackie, her four-year-old daughter.  Jackie picked something up off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.  Rachel asked her not to do that.

‘Why Mummy?’ asked Jackie.

‘Because it’s been lying outside and is dirty and probably has germs,’ said Rachel.

Jackie looked at her mother in admiration and asked, ‘Wow, Mummy, how do you know stuff like that?’

‘Oh…everyone knows this stuff.  Um, it’s in the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they won’t let you be a Mummy.’

‘Oh…’  Jackie seemed confused.  Mother and daughter strolled along in silence for some minutes, as Jackie pondered this new information.

‘I get it,’ Jackie’s face beamed with realisation. ‘Then if you flunk the test, you have to be the Daddy.’

From Will & Guy.

Joke 763

Military typo (Photo credit: gudmundur.bjarni)

Typo (Photo credit: eston)

From newspapers around the world.

• Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
• Man Struck By Lightning: Faces BatteryCharge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Thanks to one of my vicars for forwarding this email to me.

Cold Calling An Author Can Sometimes Pay Off

I once acted out of character and it paid off.

Let me explain: I am quite shy.  No, really.

It is easy to be gregarious on (I was going to say ‘paper’ but I guess technically it’s) plastic; much harder in real life when the person you are talking to is not behind a monitor six thousand miles away going ‘Huh? Wazzsheonabout?’ but standing right in front of you, rictus grin plastered on face, thinking, ‘Huh? Wazzsheonabout?’

I’m rubbish at cold calling; at asking strangers for something.  I once had a job as a Carpet Cleaning Saleswoman (it was the early Eighties; I wasn’t a person then). I had to go door-to-door to tell people that they needed me because their carpets were dirty.  All for an alleged weekly wage of £75.

I was so bad at cold calling and made so few sales (ten-day total sales: zero), they put me on commission at the end of the first week (it was the early Eighties; I had no rights that I knew of, being eighteen and stupid).  In one month I earned a grand total of £9.

If they had only asked me to write to the customers, it might have been a different story.  As this one is turning out to be, because it’s about my writing group.  No, really.

I saw an article in our local paper about a local writer who had just published her third book –  actually, it was her second book, although she has written her third book; the reporter got it wrong – may his rugs remain forever filthy – despite the author sending him the details in cold hard ether.  Fortunately, I didn’t know that at the time, or this might have been a different story (not really, but repetition is a good comedy device and I’m feeling facetious today, even a little lightheaded, not having blogged at you for five days).

I read in the Stockport Express that author Allie Cresswell had not only published her third book [not], but she lived in Stockport and had a website.  I moseyed on over to her website by way of dinner, dessert, crisps and a bar of chocolate, and thought she looked friendly enough, so I girded up my now ample loins and popped off an email.

That’s the bit that was out of character – I cold called an author.  Yo!  I said, I belong to Stockport Writers.  We have no money; will you come and talk to us for free?

Yes, she replied; I’d love to.  I’m pretty sure my charm and erudition won her over.

Emails were exchanged; details were organised (please run the whole session, however you like, but don’t arrive before eleven because the Art Gallery won’t let us in until then because of insurance issues, I think); cake purchased in honour of our guest.  The great day arrived…

All joking aside, it was a great day.   Warm and friendly, Allie told us a bit about herself (passing off the sloppy journalist’s carelessness as just one of those things…so magnanimous*), her writing background and her career. Then she read from one of her books – we enjoyed it so much, we asked for more.  After a break for tea and cake (these loins won’t amplify themselves, you know), Allie set us a writing exercise, which had everyone interested and animated.  To keep things fresh, we do rotate the chair each month, as in, a different person chairs each month’s meeting; we don’t sit in swivel chairs and circulate stationarily (the gallery staff keep those chairs to themselves; we can’t complain because they let us use the space for free).  To have someone entirely new set the prompt made us all a little giddy, and produced some wonderful freewriting.

*If I appear to be losing it a little here, it’s because I am.  Remember my magnum opus (I Went To London To Be On Telly And Get Free Stuff)?  It might have turned out all right in the end, but that sloppy – and somewhat vindictive – journalism has made me over-sensitive.  Besides, that Stockport Express journalist didn’t publicise our guest speaker like I asked him to in my second – and last – out of character cold calling email.  May his rugs remain forever filthy.

Allie brought some of her books and I felt, having strong-armed her into coming along, that I ought to buy at least one of the novels, but I didn’t have enough money on me.   Fortunately, she sells them for Kindle, and I was able to buy two for less than the price of one hard copy.   Even more of a bargain, the Amazon account is hooked up to the Hub’s credit card and not mine so, technically, I got them for nothing.  And I had cake!  What a great day.  Our guest also got a booking, from one of our writers who attends another group, so it was a win-win situation.

Now I come to the reason why I haven’t blogged for five days: I started one of the books, Relative Strangers.  As a pretty woman might say, big mistake; huge. You should see the state of my house – I’ve done no housework because all I wanted to do was read; and the dogs aren’t talking to me.

The book explores the dynamics of family life by gathering together one extended family in a large house for one week.

At first, I was confused by the sheer number of characters but I soon worked out who was married to whom and had which children and which in-laws and which rooms and cars and grievances and grudges.  The book is packed with incident and was a really interesting and fun read, but not fun in the way – I hope – this post is fun.  It was a fascinating exploration of relationships: the characters, for the most part, were neither good nor bad, but human, with foibles and faults like we all have.

The ending surprised me.  And that’s all I’ll say, because I don’t want to give anything away.  If you like surprises, don’t read the blurb on the website because it tells you in which direction the ending heads.

There were more typos than I usually approve of but I let them pass because I enjoyed the book so much.  I only mention them because I want this to be a balanced critique.  Definitely recommended.  You can trust me; it’s not like I’m a journalist (sorry, Kateshreswdaytheexception).

You can find Allie’s website here; and her books on Amazon here; and here. They are available on Amazon.com as well as the UK site.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this post because you may not get another for at least the next five days: I have her other book to read.

 

Joke 762

Cymru placenames cartoon postcard 2 (Photo credit: carlmorris)

George, an English visitor to the small Welsh town of Aberaeron, Cardiganshire, was approached by one of the deacons of the local chapel who asked him whether he would like to attend their chapel on the following Sunday.

‘Wouldn’t that be a little pointless?’ replied George politely.  ‘After all, your services are held in Welsh and I don’t understand the language.’

‘Ah yes, boyo,’ answered the deacon, ‘but the collection is in English.’

From Will & Guy.

Joke 761

A WORD TO THE WIVES ON HOW TO KEEP HUSBANDS HAPPY (Photo credit: strph)

Aussie Barbecue Season

After long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it’s the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the Barbecue, usually on a Saturday, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Barbecue Routine

• The woman buys the food.
• The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
• The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
• Here comes the important part:  
• THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
• The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
• The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
• Important again:
• THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
• The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
• After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
• And most important of all:  
• Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
• The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women….

Thanks to Will & Guy for this one.

Joke 760

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.  She says a friendly, “Hello!”

Honest Advertising at Stop & Shop (Photo credit: Adam Pieniazek)

He is rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.  He asks, “Do you know me?”

She replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Completely shocked, the guy’s mind travels back to the only time when he was unfaithful to his wife.  He gasps, “Oh no!  Are you the stripper from my bachelor party, who I made love to on the pool table?”

“Um…no.  I am your son’s teacher.”

*

Thanks to Grannymar for this one.

Joke 759

And the last of the Tim Viners.  Thanks, Dave!

Tim Vine The Joke-Amotive promotional advert (Photo credit: http://www.theedinburghblog.co.uk)

• So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
• So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, “Audi!”
• So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal.
• I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
• I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
• I bought a train ticket and the driver said, “Eurostar.” I said, “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
• At least it’s comfortable on Eurostar; it’s murder on the Orient Express…

Joke 758

We haven’t had any Tim Viners for a while.  Thanks to my mate Dave for these.

Tim Vine: The funniest of Edinburgh Festival Fringe one-liners (Photo credit: Ninian Reid)

• I went to the doctor. I said to him, “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
• So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
• I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
• My mate asked me, “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said, “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
• So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
• This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
• So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
• So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”