Joke 743

5 Apr

On Growing and Being Old

I confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.  She turned to me and asked, ‘Are you having it catered?’

*

Just before the funeral service, the undertaker asked the elderly widow, ‘How old was your husband?’

’98,’ she replied; ‘two years older than me.’

‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.

She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’

Age Gets Better With Wine

Age Gets Better With Wine (Photo credit: Jill Clardy)

*

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’

The woman replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

*

I’ve sure gotten old!  I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.  I’m half blind, can’t hear anything  quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have poor circulation and can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  I can’t remember how many years it’s been since my 85th birthday.  But thank goodness, I still have my driver’s licence.

*

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.  I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.  I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.  But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

*

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.  First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.  ‘Why Wal-Mart?’

‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week.’

*

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Want to know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

*

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

*

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Thanks to Granny1947 for forwarding this email doing the rounds.

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16 Responses to “Joke 743”

  1. benzeknees April 5, 2013 at 04:14 #

    This is how I feel most days!

    Like

  2. Katharine Trauger April 5, 2013 at 05:19 #

    Loved the leotard. 🙂

    True story: A lady around here has reached over a hundred years and when interviewed for the newspaper about her secret to longevity she said, “I just remember to wake up every morning.”

    Really. 🙂

    Like

  3. saintcharlotte April 5, 2013 at 05:58 #

    Oh my goodness, this made me laugh out loud 🙂 Thank you, this post made my day 🙂

    Like

    • The Laughing Housewife April 5, 2013 at 09:33 #

      Thank YOU! I love to know that people laughed 🙂

      And thank you for following my blog. That always makes my day.

      Like

  4. viv blake April 5, 2013 at 08:10 #

    Some of these make me wince they are so true. My favourite is the drivers’ licence one!

    Like

  5. sharechair April 5, 2013 at 13:29 #

    I have really been feeling my age lately. 😦 These jokes were just perfectly timed today to help me look at aging with some humor!!! Thanks for that. 🙂

    Like

  6. mairedubhtx April 5, 2013 at 13:44 #

    These were great! Since I’m getting on in years, I really appreciated them. Speaking of Granny, she hasn’t been around in a bit, has she? I haven’t seen her at any rate, have you? Is she okay?

    Like

    • The Laughing Housewife April 5, 2013 at 14:42 #

      The email came through about a week to ten days ago, but that’s the only time I heard from her.

      I think she hasn’t been too happy since moving and that can stop people blogging 😦

      Like

  7. sarsm April 5, 2013 at 14:32 #

    The leotard one is brilliant.

    Like

  8. slpmartin April 5, 2013 at 15:26 #

    Ah…these were fun…enjoyed them much with my morning coffee….thanks!

    Like

  9. Three Well Beings April 5, 2013 at 16:48 #

    I liked each and every one of these! Very funny…loved the one about the funeral and “hardy worth going home” comment. 🙂

    Like

  10. robincoyle April 5, 2013 at 23:48 #

    I may have told you this one before. I forget if I did. Old age is settling in.

    A man went to his doctor and the doctor said, “I have bad news. You have cancer and Alzheimer’s Disease.”

    The man said, “Thank God I don’t have cancer.”

    Like

  11. Grannymar April 7, 2013 at 21:43 #

    My favourite was the catered affair!

    Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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