Joke 758

We haven’t had any Tim Viners for a while.  Thanks to my mate Dave for these.

Tim Vine: The funniest of Edinburgh Festival Fringe one-liners (Photo credit: Ninian Reid)

• I went to the doctor. I said to him, “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
• So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
• I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
• My mate asked me, “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said, “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
• So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
• This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
• So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
• So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”