Joke 758

20 Apr

We haven’t had any Tim Viners for a while.  Thanks to my mate Dave for these.

Tim Vine: The funniest of Edinburgh Festival F...

Tim Vine: The funniest of Edinburgh Festival Fringe one-liners (Photo credit: Ninian Reid)

  • I went to the doctor. I said to him, “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
  • So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
  • I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
  • My mate asked me, “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said, “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
  • So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
  • This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
  • So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
  • So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”
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14 Responses to “Joke 758”

  1. benzeknees April 20, 2013 at 06:02 #

    Hahahahahaha

    Like

  2. viv blake April 20, 2013 at 07:14 #

    Corkers, every one. Jock will enjoy these.

    Like

  3. mairedubhtx April 20, 2013 at 12:22 #

    I love puns.

    Like

  4. sharechair April 20, 2013 at 13:38 #

    ALL groaners. 🙂

    Like

  5. Elaine - I used to be indecisive April 20, 2013 at 15:28 #

    He’s so clever. 😀

    Like

  6. Grannymar April 20, 2013 at 15:53 #

    Very punny! 😆

    Like

  7. SchmidleysScribbling April 20, 2013 at 15:57 #

    Very sticky topics. Dianne

    Like

  8. Viveka April 20, 2013 at 18:19 #

    voluntary work – good one … *smile

    Like

  9. slpmartin April 20, 2013 at 23:42 #

    Seems like a couple of these jokes lost the wind in their sail by the time they crossed the Atlantic. 🙂

    Like

  10. Rorybore April 21, 2013 at 04:52 #

    ha – hubby loved the policeman tracing one. you would not believe how often he gets asked to do that. LOL

    Like

  11. colonialist April 21, 2013 at 23:03 #

    Really groany ones, indeed!

    Like

  12. sanstorm April 22, 2013 at 12:55 #

    😆

    Like

  13. Al April 22, 2013 at 23:57 #

    Tilly, I forgive you. I’m sure you didn’t know I had “Henny Youngman” disease. (fear of one-liners) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVGVJGX–o0

    Like

    • The Laughing Housewife April 23, 2013 at 08:20 #

      😀 😀 😀 Thank you, Al; that was really funny. I’ve heard of HY but never seen him before. Funny guy.

      Like

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Nicola Hulme Author

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