Joke 799

A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.

Whoops! A Daisy

Thank you to everyone who took a look at our church website (old and new) and left feedback.  

We considered every suggestion then threw them out as too radical (mention the opening times? Ridiculous!).

Not really, of course; I was just checking to see if you were paying attention.

Here’s the finished article (sort of; I still have some proof reading to do): St Matthew’s.

It’s been up and running about a month; maybe two…Our Illustrious Leader Pam asked me to thank you all for your contributions (about a month ago; maybe two).

Thank you, all!

Joke 798

Ursus americanus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A hunter in a forest was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. 

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. He had no escape. 

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear quickly closing in, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, “Dear Lord, please give this bear some religion!” 

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, “Thank you, Lord, for the food I’m about to receive…”

From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 797

Apologies for the late joke (it has ceased to be; it is an ex-joke); I fell into bed, exhausted, last night.  But I did think of you before I slipped into a coma…and decided my sleep was worth more than your fleeting amusement.

Now that I’m properly refreshed, I can see how muddled my thinking was.

Here’s the joke:

Okay, not quite yet.  I couldn’t find a joke about being tired.  Instead, I bring you some tired jokes:

• I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.    Steven Wright
• I had plastic surgery last week.  I cut up my credit cards.   Henny Youngman
• A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.   Hussein Nishah
• I used to like my neighbours until they put a password on their wi-fi.   Anon
• I’m afraid of three things: women, snakes, and the police. They all have the ability to hurt me and make it look like it was my fault.  Nikhil Saluja

From searchquotes.com

 

Topic #1: Cleaning

A toilet with the potentially dangerous arrangement of the seat being up (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Expecting visitors, I cleaned like I meant it last week.

That’s right, you heard me: my house is clean.

It feels weird.

That’s that topic covered.

*

An idle thought

I once saw a safety advert which said that mixing cleaning chemicals in a toilet can lead to explosions.

I wondered this: if I put neat bleach in the toilet, forget it’s there, and then do a wee, will I set light to my bottom?

Joke 796

A dog looking through a fence (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Grannymar told me this story.  Imagine it in a beautiful Irish lilt:

I’m at Pets at Home buying a bag of food for my dog. While in the check-out queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT???

So on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s butt and a car hit me. 

 

Joke 795

Actual calls to computer technical support reps:

Customer: I’m trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn’t work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you’ve got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah…
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven’t got a computer. It’s in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen…

*

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.

*

Customer: I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute…I hadn’t inserted it into the computer yet…it’s still on my desk…sorry…

*

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.  

*

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

*

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

From Will & Guy

Absence Makes The Blog Grow Longer

I haven’t commented much this week on your blogs* and I’ll probably comment even less next week (should that be, I’ll probably comment even fewer?), but I’m sure you’ll forgive me (should that be, I’m shore ewe’ll forgive me?) when you hear/here/ear/her my excuse: I’ve been busy.

*Here’s a funny thing: why would the spellchecker on a blog not recognise the word ‘blog’?  Or ‘spellchecker’?

I was busy all this week and I’m going to be busy all next week, but next week’s busyness promises to be more fun than this week’s busy/iness.  I am (we are) expecting visitors tomorrow (hence the business – cleaning prep).

Not just any visitors: blogging friends as visitors!  From not wan blog, but too:

Janet:

And Ben:

Artwork on a window On a blacked out sash and case window of a house at the junction of Traquair Road and Angle Park in Innerleithen. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is not Ben and bears no relationship to him at all, unless he’s one-dimensional by nature, which I seriously doubt; but I forgot to ask Janet’s permission to post a photo of him, though there is one on his blog.  You’ll find him here.  I don’t want to begin our visit by upsetting her (which, when she meets me, may still happen; I have no tact, you know).

They are mother and son (I’ll let you guess which is which/whom is whom/who is witch)* and they both have interesting blogs.  Ben is an Epic Dude with an epic interest in history; Janet makes the most exquisite origami, some of which I now possess.  I am really looking forward to our five days together…yes, even though they have never met me, they are willing to stay here for five days.  Brave or foolhardy?  Depends on how they like stodgy cooking and dodgy puns.

*Tactlessness in action

I will post the joke-a-day but I may not post much about the visit until after they’ve gone (though it may be on the news if it doesn’t go well…say, Janet doesn’t like my left leg or something.  Not that I’m not easily offended or anything).

I’m pretty addled from the week I’ve had, hence the garbled post (and you thought it was you…); I decided not to write about anything much until I have the time to devote  to it.  Not that Janet and Ben’s visit isn’t much; it is; I meant that I…oh, forget it.  I’ll explain tomorrow, if they don’t take one look at me on the platform and decide to stay on the train.

To whet your appetite, here are some stimulating topics which I will be discussing when normal service is resumed:

• Cleaning
• Our local town hall
• The contents of my nasal passage

See you on the other side!

Joke 794

What I’ve Learned As I Have Aged

• I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
• I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
• I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
• I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.
• I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not to pet the sweaty things.
• I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
• I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

From Will & Guy

Joke 793

English: Snoring English Bulldog (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Every hotel was full when the tired driver pulled into town late that night. At the largest hotel he pleaded with the night manager to please find him some place to sleep.  “Any bed will do – just a place to sleep.”

“Well, there is one regular client who always says that if we are ever full, he will be glad to split the cost of his room with someone. But I must warn you, he snores like a volcano; and we get lots of complaints from neighbouring rooms.”

“That will be no problem,” said the weary traveller, “just show me to the room.”

Next morning the man came down to breakfast looking rested and full of life. The manager said, “How’d you sleep?”

“Never better!”

“And the snoring didn’t keep you awake?”

“Slept like a baby.”

“How did you ever manage that?”

“Simple.  He snored like thunder the whole time I was getting ready for bed, but once I was ready to sleep I simply went over to him, kissed him on the cheek and said, ‘Good night cutie’.  He sat bolt upright, and watched me like a hawk the rest of the night.”

*

I love this wonderful definition of my problem:

I do NOT snore.

I am nasally repetitive.

*

From snoremd.com

 

Let Snoring Dogs Lie

English: Road north from Little Snoring to Great Snoring (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m off to see the Ear, Nose & Throat doctor this afternoon, about my snoring.  I have begun to suspect that all of this bad weather is caused by my sucking in the sun every time I inhale in my sleep.

Yes, I am that bad.

*

If you are wondering where Patrecia, Miss Whiplash, she who was always thinking about things, has gone to, it’s to a new blog, God’s Creatures, about animals.

She forgot to tell you what she was doing before she deleted her old blog.

I bet she snores; it’s hard to remember things when your head is aching from sleep-sniffing the entire contents of your bedroom.

Patrecia writes about animals, including her dogs.  

Did you know that the calculation of 7 human years for every 1 dog year is incorrect?  And did you like my smooth segue from one topic to another without the use of an asterisk?  I should be on TV.

According to BBC News, it works like this:

For first two years:

• 12.5 years per human year for the first two years for small dogs
• 10.5 years per human year for the first two years for medium-sized dogs
• 9 years per human year for the first two years forlarge dogs

For years 3+:

• Small: Dachshund (Miniature) 4.32, Border Terrier 4.47, Lhasa Apso 4.49, Shih Tzu 4.78, Whippet Medium 5.30, Chihuahua 4.87, West Highland White Terrier 4.96, Beagle 5.20, Miniature Schnauzer 5.46, Spaniel (Cocker) 5.55, Cavalier King Charles 5.77, Pug 5.95, French Bulldog 7.65
• Medium: Spaniel 5.46, Retriever (Labrador) 5.74, Golden Retriever 5.74, Staffordshire Bull Terrier 5.33, Bulldog 13.42
• Large: German Shepherd 7.84, Boxer 8.90

The Village sign, Little Snoring, Norfolk (Photo credit: Wikipedia) I can only dream…

Time for my favourite-ever joke (from the film, Dumb & Dumber):

What do you get if you cross a Shih Tsu with a Bulldog?  

A Bullshit.

*

Despite the funniest joke in the world, I think I’m in a bad mood. My head aches: my dog woke me an hour early for his breakfast, and wouldn’t take ‘no’ (or ‘Get lost, you horrible dog!’) for an answer.  You’d think at age 39.34 he’d be able to fix his own breakfast.

He’ll be wanting me to run his shower for him next.

*

I think I’m mostly in a bad mood because a popcorn machine arrived this morning.  

Do you like a lot of salt on your Hub?

Joke 792

English Words With Quirky Logic

• There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger.
  

  Guinea Pig baby. About 8 hours old. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• Have you noticed that there is neither apple nor pine in pineapple?
• English muffins weren’t invented in England.
• French fries do not originate in France.
• A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
• There are no hogs in Hogmanay.
• Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
• You cannot buy boots in Boots. You cannot buy threshers in Threshers.  The Superdrug chain is a big disappointment.
• Quicksand only works slowly
• If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?
• If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
• Sweetmeats are sweets while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

From Will & Guy.

Joke 791

Silly string in action (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Staying with the silly, because I’m in that sort of mood…

Colonialist left these three in the comments section of yesterday’s joke.   Nobody reads comments any more, now that we can answer from the tool bar, so Col has given me permission to share them.

If silly is not your bag, look away now.

*

If you cross one bit of wood with another, would you get cross? 

*

What do you get if you cross a road with a chicken?

Run over.

*

What do you get if you cross a field with a singing insect and a flying mouse?

A turn with a cricket bat.

*

I’m not sure I get that last one but the other two made me laugh so much, it doesn’t matter 🙂

Thanks, Col!

Groggy Is As Groggy Does

Yesterday was a long day because we had visitors and, as they were people we’d never met before (an airline geek internet friend – and his wife – of the Hub; a lovely couple), that meant a major clean (actual) and declutter (pretend – everything went in the shed and will come out again today) of the house, followed by pretty sandwich-making on my part.

They left around seven and the Hub and I watched a movie before bed, but I struggled to sleep because I was still feeling wound up by the unusual activity (cleaning).  I finally fell asleep some time after midnight but the alarm woke me at six-thirty in the middle of a dream in which I felt really ill – so ill, in fact, that I still felt it when I awoke and I was groggy for about an hour after.

I put the shower on for Spud (yes, I spoil him, but he’s in the middle of exams and I want him to have as much sleep as he possibly can, and I can add five minutes by preparing his shower) and went downstairs.  It was only as I was waiting for the kettle to boil that I realised I had forgotten to wake him.  Not good on a day when he has two exams.

He was done and down before I’d made his breakfast (a boy doing his exams must not do them on an empty stomach), half-asleep as I was; and he couldn’t get much sense out of me.

He tells me his thought processes went like this: Mum’s weird this morning.  I wonder if she could be having a stroke?  Oh no!  Who’ll make my breakfast in future?

When I related this to the Hub, he suggested that Spud might have some difficulty at university without me.

Spud reckons it won’t be a problem: he’s going to live off cereal and tomato sauce butties.

Well, it’s been nice chatting to you but I must go: I have to prepare a summer-long cookery course for a teenager: I want grandchildren one day.

Joke 790

Some silliness is called for…

English: Joke shield of Princess Beatrice of York. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What do you call a grizzly with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

*

What do you do with a sick boat?

Take it to the doc.

*

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?

He was a little shellfish.

*

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

*

What game would you play with a wombat?

Wom.

*

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?

A bahhum bug.

From theoatmeal.