Joke 774

6 May
On the tube

On the tube (Photo credit: henry…)


Tannoy Messages Allegedly Spoken By London Underground Drivers And Staff

  • We are now travelling through The Angel Islington station.  As you can see, The Angel Islington is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don’t think about things like that.
  • This train will NOT be stopping at Moorgate station. I repeat, this train will NOT stop at Moorgate…Ladies and gentlemen…this train IS stopping at Moorgate, and of course I’m the last to know.
  • Please note that begging is not permitted in any part of London Underground.  However, to the gentleman busking away happily next to the escalators, please carry on and enjoy yourself. The transport police have been called and should be with you shortly…
  • Beggars are operating on this train; please do NOT encourage these professional beggars.  If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity.  Failing that, give it to me.
  • We are taking the scenic route to Barking on the District Line.  We will be stopping at all stations to Barking with the exception of Cannon Street.  This train does not stop there on Saturdays due to…total lack of interest.
  • This is Paddington Station. Please leave your valuables on the train and I will collect them at the end of my shift.
  • Hello; this is the captain of your Uxbridge train speaking, and we will be departing shortly.  Please note that we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Uxbridge is 11:15pm. The temperature in Uxbridge is a cool 10 degrees Celsius, and Uxbridge is in the same time zone as Aldgate, so there’s no need to adjust your watches.
  • May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.
  • To the gentleman wearing the pin-striped suit trying to get in to the third carriage, what part of ‘Stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?
  • Covent Garden has been closed due overcrowding. Please alight at Leicester Square and wander around aimlessly with your huge rucksacks until you get to your destination. You never know, they might install escalators one day.
  • Would the lady going down the escalator please lower her umbrella: it doesn’t rain underground.
  • Please let the passengers off the train first…Please let the passengers off the train first…PLEASE let the passengers off the train first…Let the passengers off the train FIRST!..Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines; see if I care, I’m going home.

Thanks to Will & Guy.



9 Responses to “Joke 774”

  1. graypoet May 6, 2013 at 04:07 #

    Always enjoy your posting humor… Thank you


  2. Lisaman May 6, 2013 at 06:47 #

    Hahaha love it when people in public mundane jobs have a sense of humour!!


  3. viv blake May 6, 2013 at 07:21 #

    Every one a cracker. More often, people in those sort of jobs are the jobsworth type, determined to make people miserable. I sympathise with the guy in the pinstripe suit!

    A missing “to” in “due overcrowding”?


  4. mairedubhtx May 6, 2013 at 12:41 #

    The drivers on the underground are better than the pilots on Southwest Airlines! Far better!


  5. Grannymar May 6, 2013 at 17:37 #

    I am smiling all the way to the Maltesers!


  6. Viveka May 6, 2013 at 17:49 #

    Very close to the truth … love it.
    This train will NOT be stopping at Moorgate station. I repeat, this train will NOT stop at Moorgate…Ladies and gentlemen…this train IS stopping at Moorgate, and of course I’m the last to know. – happen to me both in UK and Sweden and even up in the air.
    Love it.


  7. Perfecting Motherhood May 10, 2013 at 06:30 #

    Haha, I hope these are all true! That makes the ride a lot more interesting than most rides in the US. Gotta love British humor!


    • The Laughing Housewife May 10, 2013 at 08:57 #

      It probably is true; we know how to poke fun at ourselves 🙂


      • Perfecting Motherhood May 12, 2013 at 07:36 #

        I think that’s why I like British humor a lot more than American humor. Americans tend to make fun of other people, but take themselves way too seriously.


I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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