Joke 829

the singer (Photo credit: Yossari)

For the sake of balance, here are more jokes from suite101, this time about sopranos.  They seem pretty cruel to me, but what do I know? I’m a baritone.

 

What’s the difference between a soprano and a piranha?

• The lipstick.

What’s the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?

• The jewellery.

What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average American football offensive lineman?

• Stage makeup.

What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian tenor?

• About 10 pounds.

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

• One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
• Two. One to hold the diet soda and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
• Three. One to do it, her understudy, and one to say she could have done it better.
• Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

What’s the first thing a soprano does in the morning?

• Puts on her clothes and goes home.

How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?

• Some people actually like sewer rats.

What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?

• One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.

Why are soprano jokes all one-liners?

• So tenors can understand them.

 

Proud! Proud! Proud!

A play in a week – wow!

From the Broadway production

The reason for today’s tenor-themed jokes is that Spud played the lead in Lend Me A Tenor this week.  It was his third play in six months but he rose to the challenge and then some.

His school has a tradition at the end of the year of Lower Sixth students rehearsing and performing a play in a week.  The students choose the director, the play, the cast, the crew; source the props; get a week off lessons to rehearse, which is much harder work than anything they’ll be taught once exams are done.

Because of licensing issues, the directors are chosen some weeks beforehand; they choose the play and begin auditions.  Spud was cast before his exams and spent his revision downtime learning lines.  The actual work started last Thursday, however.  They rehearsed Saturday, each school day and after school as well.  It was worth it.

One of the teachers told me that some years, the kids aren’t interested and it’s a shambles.  Not this year.  The girl playing Maria and the boy playing the bell-hop were particularly good, but each and every parent could feel proud of each and every child involved, front and backstage: it was clear they had worked their backsides off.  Yes, there were mistakes, but the actors ad-libbed and it all added to the fun, especially when Spud accidentally bashed the Tenor’s head against the bed and the Tenor – supposed to be dead – got the giggles.  They should have passed it off as rigor mortis.  

Hub and I went to see the play last night.  Did you ever burst with so much pride, you wanted to run onto a stage and scream at the audience, That’s my son!  That’s my son!?  He was sooooo good – he was nervous, edgy, wimpy, comical, sweaty and just so darn funny.  The drama teacher told him he had ‘a rare talent,’ to act in a Greek Classical play, a major Shakespearean role, and a farce; and to be convincing in each one.

Proud doesn’t begin to cover it.

Click on any picture to see the gallery enlarged

Max

Saunders, Max, Maggie

Max

Tito, Maria, Max

Here’s how I could have reacted

Max shakin’ his thang

The Reveal

Tito

Celebrate!

Max, Diana

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Joke 828

Lend Me a Tenor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have a good reason for posting these jokes – all will be revealed later…

The jokes come from a site called suite101. Here’s their blurb:

These are common opera jokes that have been passed on from generation to generation. Some are actually true, especially the last joke on the list.

*

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

• None – he thinks it’s the accompanist’s job.

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

• Six. One to do it, and five to say, “It’s too high for him.”

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

• Four: One to change the bulb and three to complain that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

What does it mean when a tenor drools out of both sides of his mouth?

• The stage is level.

What’s the musical definition of a half-step?

• Two tenors singing in unison.

How do you put a twinkle in a tenor’s eye?

• Shine a flashlight in his ear.

How can you tell when a tenor is out of tune?

• His lips are moving.

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a tenor?

• You can tune the lawn mower.

There were two old men sitting on a park bench talking to each other when one of them asked, “Can I sing you a song?”

The other man replied, “Sure, but only if can you sing tenor?”

The first man asked, “What is tenor?”

The other man replied, “Ten or eleven miles away!” – (Karah Richardson- Age 9)

How many tenor jokes are there?

• Only one, the rest are all true.

 

Joke 827

*musicstartsslowly* (Photo credit: icedsoul photography .:teymur madjderey)

There was a knock on the door one morning.  Seamus opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said, “Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”

Seamus said, “Come in and sit down.”

After he offered his visitor a fresh cup of coffee, Seamus asked, “What do you want to talk about?”

The Jehovah’s Witness said, “Beats me.  Nobody ever let me in before.”

*

Thanks again to Grannymar for tickling my pink.  Love it!

 

A Veneer Of Respectability

Lovely eggs (Photo credit: zhouxuan12345678)

So I was eating a soft-boiled egg yesterday when I felt a tooth fall off. I’ve eaten nothing but soft food for 48 hours, in a bid to keep the tooth in place.  That worked.  Not.

It wasn’t a tooth, thankfully; it was the veneer of the tooth which snapped off on Monday.  The new cement the dentist used has kept the actual tooth in place.  

The veneer must have been a little loose: it has a mind of its own and has made a bid for freedom at least three times before.  The veneer on the right front tooth is more of a homebody and likes to stay stuck to my inside.  Like my children, one gives me many problems; one none at all (they’re going to read this and assume the good one is the reader and the troubled one is the other; my boys will probably do the same).

Do yourself a favour – never get veneers.  Looking back on it, shaving off half my tooth to make it look better is probably not a great idea.  I suspect that has contributed to the whole tooth-snapping-off-in-a-corn-on-the-cob thing.

My dentist’s receptionist squeezed me in again and my dentist used the new cement which has kept the tooth in place to fix the veneer; and promised to squeeze me in once more if she gets a cancellation before my crown appointment.  My dentist and her staff are great.

I wrote a poem for them, a fluffy Thank You.  I did think about taking them some chocolates but that’s what got me into trouble in the first place.  Here’s the poem:

*

Corn On The Cob

For Alison & Stephanie

Corn on the cob
attacked me gob

Me tooth snapped off
which made me sob

No duck apple
for me to bob

Me mouth was robbed
by corn on the cob

*

It had its first airing on Tuesday, at the poetry reading.  Socially Yours is a group which meets every Tuesday in our church, though it is run by an outside agency. It’s a chance to chat, play quizzes and bingo, socialise.  Sometimes they have a guest to entertain them…that was me.

I read in two halves: first, from ancient to modern, like the hymns; and then some of my own poems.  I had fun, though I couldn’t feel my tongue by the time I had finished, my mouth was so dry from nerves: fidgety old ladies are a tough audience.

Talking of poems, here’s something to really make me smile: I’ve just had an email to say that one of my South African poems has been accepted for an anthology by the University of London, on human rights.

Here’s their blurb: 

We are looking for poems that focus on any human rights or social justice issue, national or international, current or historical.  Poems could explore refugee rights, freedom of speech, indigenous peoples’ rights, LGBTI rights, economic rights or environmental justice – the opportunities are endless! 

The Human Rights Consortium is a multidisciplinary collaborative centre for research into human rights and social justice issues. For inspiration, please visit our current project pages (see sidebar). You can follow the Human Rights Consortium on Twitter or like us on Facebook to receive project-related news and updates about human rights. 

The Human Rights Poetry Anthology will be selected, compiled and edited by academics with expertise in human rights and English studies from the School of Advanced Study (University of London); and the Keats House Poets, a collective of young poets supported by the Keats House Museum who actively write and perform poems about human rights issues.

They sound like a barrel of tooth veneers, don’t they? 

We will stick together..smile together..be together… (Photo credit: Thai Jasmine (Smile..smile…Smile..))

Joke 826

“Coughs and Sneezes Spread Diseases – As Dangerous as Poison Gas Shells”. U.S. Public Health ad on dangers of Spanish Flu epidemic during World War I. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The pharmacist walked into his store to find a guy leaning against the wall in obvious discomfort. He asked the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”

The clerk replied, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find any cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative.”

The pharmacist yelled, “You can’t treat a cough with a laxative!”

The clerk responded, “Of course you can! Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”

*

Thanks to Grannymar for this one.

 

Joke 825

ATT00076 Cat joke cartoon (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

“Open wider,” requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.

“Good grief!” he said, startled. “You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen – the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen…”

“OK Doc!” replied the patient. “I’m scared enough without you saying something like that twice.”

“I didn’t!” said the dentist. “That was the echo.”

*

From dentalaffairs.com

Come Up And See My Etchings

I love my dentist.  The whole surgery.  I love them all.

The office opened at 08:45.  At 08:45:01 the phone was answered and an appointment made for 09:10.

By 09:35 my front tooth was back in place.  Look:

The dentist was quite excited to have a chance to use her new adhesive, called Etch.  It stuck that sucker right back on and it feels more secure now than the rest of the teeth in my mouth.

I was fortunate that the tooth sheared off in one piece at an angle.  And that it stuck in the corn cob rather than down my gullet.

I was pleased that there was a work experience student there from Spud’s school, because it gave me a chance to boast that Spud had never needed any treatment at all in his seventeen years; not once.

I was chuffed when the dentist told the student how lovely and polite and friendly Spud was, and a pleasure not to treat.

I smiled all the way home.

All rather different from last night, when I was feeling very sorry for myself and my ugly, must never be seen in public again mouth.  Though I did get the giggles during one of my regular prayers:  O Lord, help me to keep my mouth shut and my lips sealed…

And now I’m off to a poetry reading.

 

Joke 824

Cry baby (Photo credit: tacit requiem (joanneQEscober ))

Cedric watched as a woman at his supermarket shopped with a three-year-old girl riding in the child’s seat. As they approached the sweet section the little girl asked for some liquorice sticks and her mother told her, “No.”

The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss. The mother said softly, “Now Cindy, our shopping is going well. Don’t be upset…we’ll soon be out of here.”

Presently, they came to the aisle where the ice cream was on offer and the little girl asked for an ice lolly. When told she couldn’t have one she began to cry. The mother said gently, “There, there, Cindy, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be at the check out.”

When they got to the conveyor belt the little girl immediately began to demand sweets next to the checkout.  Finally she threw a tantrum when her mother would not let her have any sweets.  The mother calmed her saying, “Cindy, we’ll be through this queue in two minutes and then we can go home and have a glass of squash and a nap.”

Cedric followed them out to the car park and stopped the woman to compliment her on her child management.

“I couldn’t help admiring how patient you were with little Cindy,” Cedric said.

The mother turned and replied, “Oh, no, I’m Cindy. My little girl’s name is Dorothy.”

*

From Will & Guy

Mona Lisa Smile

I lofe corn on the cob.  Not any more.

Thorry if I theem to be lithping a bit – 2/3 of my front tooth now rethideth in tonigh’th dinner.  It thnapped off.  Jutht thnapped off!  At leatht now I know why the Mona Litha nefer thmiled with her mouth open…gummy as Poth Thpice.

I’m thuppothed to be gifing a poetry reading tomorrow.

Not gonna happen, unleth my dentitht workth a miracle.

 

Joke 823

An old joke from America.

Never, ever, think outside the box (Photo credit: Mrs eNil)

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes.

*

From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 822

The last one, I swear!

More How To Write Good, this time from William Safire’s Rules for Writers.

• Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.

1. It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions.
2. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
3. Don’t repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
4. Don’t use commas, that, are not, necessary.
5. Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
6. Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
7. Subject and verb always has to agree.
8. Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
9. Use youre spell chekker to avoid mispeling and to catch typograhpical errers.
10. Don’t repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
11. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
12. Don’t never use no double negatives.
13. Poofread carefully to see if you any words out.
14. Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
    16. Eschew obfuscation.
    17. No sentence fragments.
    18. Don’t indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
    19. A writer must not shift your point of view.
    20. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!
    21. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
    22. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
    23. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
    24. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
    25. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
    26. Always pick on the correct idiom.
    27. The adverb always follows the verb.
    28. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
    29. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be by rereading and editing.
    30. And always be sure to finish what

 

Or to put it another way….Vote Macaulay The Dog

Please help Kate walk her dog.

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Kate Shrewsday

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Joke 821

How To Write Good, by Frank L. Visco

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren’t necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

Daily Prompt: Ha Ha Ha

Door 404 (Photo credit: darkenedcorridor)

Tell us a joke! Knock-knock joke, long story with an unexpected punchline, great zinger — all jokes are welcome!

I finally have to admit defeat with the prompts.  This one is just too difficult for me.