Joke 800

1 Jun
Dog Dressed as Air Force Pilot

Dog Dressed as Air Force Pilot (Photo credit:

True Stories from Flight Attendants

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture,” and their other announcements, a bit more entertaining.  Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

  • “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
  • “We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, please contact a member of the flight crew and they will escort you to the wing of the airplane.”
  • Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
  • “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”
  • “As you exit the plane, please be sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
  • “Last one off the plane must clean it.”
  • And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry…Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.”
  • Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault…it was the asphalt!”
  • Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
  • Another Flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
  • An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady, walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”
  • After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silent, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
  • Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”



21 Responses to “Joke 800”

  1. June 1, 2013 at 04:18 #

    Virgin and Southwest are the most hilarious in their demeanor which is nice. : )


  2. Grannymar June 1, 2013 at 04:31 #

    I think I have flown with Captain Kangaroo a time or two.


  3. viv blake June 1, 2013 at 06:04 #

    No wonder you’re scared of flying if you read this sort of stuff! I’ve never had a hard landing, in dozens and dozens of flights. We once flew through turbulence, quite near our destination and the passengers all applauded when we finally arrived on terra firma.


  4. Helen Cherry June 1, 2013 at 08:29 #

    I just returned from Cuba and we had 4 yes i did say FOUR solid hours of turbulance.. all the way up the coast of North America… It was terrible and towards the end of it the stewardess manager of the flight team announced that we were experiencing exceptional turbulance.. did she think we hadn’t noticed !!!


  5. misswhiplash June 1, 2013 at 09:00 #

    Thanks TillyB you could not have chosen a better time to put on scary bits about flying..we are flying to Uk on Tuesday and to Singapore on Wednesday..I shall have words ringing in my ears but it was funny


    • The Laughing Housewife June 1, 2013 at 09:25 #

      Sorrysorrysorry! I’m sure you’ll be fine. Flying is the safest way to travel. And remember – every one of these quotes is from someone who made it safe back on the ground 🙂

      Have a wonderful time!


  6. WomanBitesDog June 1, 2013 at 10:21 #

    A BA plane made an emergency landing at heathrow recently with an engine on fire. A passenger said he didn’t know how the crew could say they were not aware anything was wrong because everyone was shouting. Terrifying. Love the stories.


  7. mairedubhtx June 1, 2013 at 13:13 #

    I have actually heard the Southwest Airlines flight attendants use that line about 50 ways to leave your lover but only 4 ways off this aircraft. Southwest tends to spice up their safety talks with humor. I love them.


  8. Jodie June 1, 2013 at 15:21 #

    Reblogged this on Jodie's Journey and commented:
    Lol These are great!! Thank you Laughing Housewife for posting them. 🙂


  9. Terry June 1, 2013 at 15:38 #

    I got a kick out of these funnies!


  10. Three Well Beings June 1, 2013 at 15:41 #

    I don’t like to fly, so that last one kind of sums up my personal feelings! LOL!


  11. slpmartin June 1, 2013 at 17:47 #

    The question from the little old lady made me laugh so hard I had tears in my eyes…great one!


  12. Georgia June 1, 2013 at 18:35 #

    I like the little old lady asking if they landed or were shot down 🙂


  13. viveka June 1, 2013 at 23:26 #

    Then they try to convince us that flight attendant is a glam job. Southwest Airlines – my favorite.


  14. benzeknees June 2, 2013 at 00:51 #

    Love these! A crop of good ones.


  15. sharechair June 2, 2013 at 01:17 #

    I am not a happy flyer, but I’ll be on a BA to the UK on wednesday. Deep breath. deep breath. deep breath. (I hate planes.)


I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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