Globe Trotter

And so the 50th birthday celebrations continue!

First of all, an illustration:

You’ll find more illustrations like this at Mark’s blog.  Hit the pic to access it.

That’s my way of saying ‘thank you’ to everyone who offered me a place to stay if I could get there.

I can’t tell you how touched I was by your generous offers; or how desperately the Hub tried to make it happen (a little too desperate for my liking; but that’s an earbashing for another day).

Finances, however, want me to celebrate in modest style; and so I will have to decline your kind offers.  I’m so sad about that.  Thank you, thank you, thank you all!

The Hub, keen to get me out of the house, won’t let me be sad for long,  He has managed to make me deliriously happy on a budget and without Maltesers: I’m going to London to visit the Queen.

The Scottish Queen, that is; from centuries ago: Lady Macbeth.

Okay, that was a long-winded, round-the-houses, you-readers-have-a-life-you-know way of saying that I’m going to watch Macbeth at the Globe!  The Globe! The Globe!

A reconstruction of the Globe Theatre in London, originally built in 1599 and used by Shakespeare (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have been once before and it is on my bucket list to do again.  In fact, it will always be on my bucket list; I will never get enough of the Globe.

The Hub is not going with me, but fear not – I won’t get lost in London because Spud will be there to hold my hand.  We will take the train (a two-hour express) down next week Thursday; see some sights; and then book into our hotel-come-hostel-come-student digs thing (told you we were on a budget).  We could have saved more money by taking our own bedding but I don’t want to carry it for two days.

I will get no sleep because I’ll be too excited but I’ll manage the breakfast they promise; and then we will head to the theatre for our tour and exhibition (pre-paid), before standing as groundlings.  Groundlings pay a fiver to stand (often in the rain) to watch the show.  It’s the only way to experience the Globe – I had a seat last time but gave it up to be a groundling, squeezing in to lean on the stage during the second half of the performance.

I have so much to look forward to: flea pit hotel; theatre pit in the rain; smelly armpits if it’s sunny (menopause symptoms stink).  

I have the best husband!

 

Joke 860

What kind of boat is this? (Photo credit: gerriet)

Today’s joke was inspired by an interesting post I read last night, written by Vastly Curious.

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An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different colour…green, red, orange, blue and yellow. 

After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

“What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old captain replied, “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

*

From yachtpals.com

Joke 859

A man walks into the doctor’s office.   He has a banana stuck in one ear, celery in the other and a carrot up one nostril.

The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor replies, “It’s obvious: you need to start eating sensibly.” 

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Source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/foodjokes/asparagusjokes.html

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That old, bad joke was really the introduction to the following funnies, which I lifted from Answer It’s blog:

You should think about visiting; her tagline is: 

Funny pictures & cartoons to make you smile.

Joke 858

Zimm (Photo credit: JoeAlterio)

A lady walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

“Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”

“To kill my husband.”

“I can’t sell you arsenic to kill a person!”

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.  The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist’s wife.

He takes the photo and nods. “I didn’t realize you had a prescription!”

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From ajokeaday.com

 

No Internet

adderall-withdrawal (Photo credit: Life Mental Health)

We had no internet for 24 hours.  I couldn’t blog, email, spend hours playing games or prepare today’s joke.

Here’s the weird part: I didn’t cry, scream, moan, complain, sweat, bitch, or play up in any way.  

I had no withdrawal symptoms at all.

I think I’m sick.

 

Joke 857

Extreme planking in my cubicle at the office #planking #newsfromthecube (Photo credit: slworking2)

Tech Support Calls 

Customer: “My disk ran out of space when trying to save my Word document, so I changed it from double spaced to single spaced and it still wouldn’t fit!”

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Tech Support: “Have you made backups of your software and data?”
Customer: “I didn’t know it had a reverse.”

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Customer: “All my files I saved last week to my C: drive are missing!”
Tech Support: “Do you remember what directory you first saved them in?”
Customer: “No, I don’t. I just know it was on my C: drive.”
Tech Support: “Ok, I’ll walk you through how to find the files.”
Customer: “I wouldn’t think I would be losing files on this computer. Gee, I just had the hard drive replaced in it yesterday.”

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Customer: “Do I need a computer to use your software?”
Tech Support: “Ok, I can help you install the software. Would you like me to do that?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Tech Support: “All right, can you insert the disk in the disk drive please?”
Customer: “How?”
Tech Support: “Place the disk in the opening at the front of the computer.”
Customer: “Will I have to have my computer delivered before we can do this?”
Tech Support: “Um yes, that might be an idea.”

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Tech Support: “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”
Customer: “Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”

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Customer: “How do you spell ‘Internet America’? Is there a space between ‘inter’ and ‘net’?”
Tech Support: “No space between ‘inter’ and ‘net’. It’s spelled normally.”
Customer: “Ok. A-M-E-R-I-C-K?”
Tech Support: “That’s A-M-E-R-I-C-A.”
Customer: “I-C-K???”
Tech Support: “‘A’ as in apple”
Customer: “There’s no ‘K’ in apple!”

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From Will & Guy.

Boring

Moving poems from folder to folder

The Hub is in bed because he’s unwell.

Spud is in bed because he’s a teenager.

I thought I’d take advantage of the peace and update my poem folders.  I had a list of roughly 1500 poems which needed to be categorised.  I did that with the hard copies months ago but never got around to updating it on the computer. The title of this post will tell you why.

I moved all the As last week; then the Bs to Rs.  I still have the Ss to Zs to move and I can’t put it off any longer.

Once that’s complete, I’ll avoid matching the hard copy folders to the computer folders for as long as I can, but it will have to be done eventually.

Wake me up before you leave.

Go here for more Six Word Saturdays.  I recommend that you do – they’ve got to be more interesting than this post.

 

Joke 856

Zeus loves watermelon (Photo credit: pdxjasmine)

A farmer had a watermelon patch. He discovered that some of the local kids had been helping themselves to a feast. He lost fruit whenever the melons were ripe and ready.

It was impractical to keep a constant watch over the watermelons, so he came up with an ingenious scheme: he placed a sign in the patch.  It read: Warning – one of these watermelons contains cyanide.

The following day saw no fruits taken. The farmer was mighty pleased with his idea, until he noticed something written on his sign: Now you have two of them.

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Thanks to Kaleidoscope for this one.

 

 

The Laughing Penguin

If this doesn’t make you all gooey, you have a heart of stone and you’re in the wrong blog:

Thanks to my friend Pam for sharing it on Facebook.

 

Joke 855

Lives saved by seat belts and airbags (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Food For Thought

• I started out with nothing…I still have most of it.
• I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
• Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
• If all is not lost, where is it?
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
• The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
• I went to school to become a wit; only got halfway through.
• It was all so different before everything changed.
• Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
• A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
• I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
• If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
• Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

From Will & Guy

An Offer I Couldn’t Refuse

brains of milk and chocolate (Photo credit: Alejandro Peters)

Give your newer sisters and brothers-in-WordPress one piece of advice based on your experiences blogging.

Don’t omit words if you don’t want me to have an aneurysm.

‘…experiences OF blogging,’ WordPress!  ‘OF!’

Or is it?

Is it ‘in’?  Is it ‘when’?  Is it something else altogether?

I have a headache.

New one piece of advice, new bloggers: don’t pretend to be an expert when you are full of self-doubt.

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Do you feel uncomfortable when you see someone else being embarrassed?

Always; that’s why I have an aneurysm instead of pointing out your grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.

What’s most likely to make you squirm?

Anyone who says ‘supposably’.  I feel all the embarrassment they don’t.

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Do you need to agree with an artist’s lifestyle or politics to appreciate their art?

No; but don’t be surprised if people assume you do.

To spend money on it?

No; I need actual money to do that.

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 You receive a call from someone an unexpected person. Who is it, and what is the conversation about? Go!

Caller: Did you read the latest WordPress prompt?  An extra space, a superfluous word and an imperative!

Me: Sorry; I can’t talk right now: I’m having an aneurysm.

*

Jada Pinkett Smith, Will Smith (Photo credit: Anz-i)

If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be, and why? If that seems too easy, try this one: who would you like to have spend a day as you and what do you hope they’d learn from the experience?

I wouldn’t be anyone; I’m happy to be me.  If pushed, however, I would have to say Jada Pinkett Smith.  For obvious reasons.

If someone had to be me, I would take a WordPress prompter; I hope they’d learn how not to make my head explode.

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What’s the most significant secret you’ve ever kept? Did the truth ever come out?

Yeah, right, WordPress!  Like I’d tell you…nice try.

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Describe a little thing — one of the things you love that define you worlds but is often overlooked.

I like the letter ‘r’.  I can tell you don’t feel the same way.

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The Tooth Fairy (or Easter Bunny, or Santa Claus . . .): a fun and harmless fiction, or a pointless justification for lying to children?

OsterhaseNikolaus Nein (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m a parent; why would I need justification to lie to my children?

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Here’s the title of your post: “An Offer I Couldn’t Refuse.”

Set a timer for ten minutes, and write it. Go!

WordPress, WordPress, WordPress…you make it too easy for me.

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Joke 854

Oh Noes! I’m Getting OLD! (Photo credit: amalthya)

 

 

 

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside their care home one day.   Tim turned to Tom and said, “Tom, I’m really feeling my age today.  I just hurt all over. How are you feeling?”

 

Tom replied, “I feel just like a new born babe.”

 

Tim looked at him, startled. “A new born babe? Really?”

 

“Yep. I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.” 

 

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From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 853

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trash, Compost, Recycling, Google Apps. Microsoft, Redmond Campus, Washington USA (Photo credit: Wonderlane)

 

One of Microsoft’s finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

 

 

 

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”

 

 

 

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Apologies for the delay in posting today’s joke – I had problems accessing the internet.

 

 

 

This one came from ahajokes.

 

 

 

Joke 852

Lost in Translation

No picture today.  I had an illustration for you – an amusing cartoon – but I couldn’t bring myself to post it because there was a spelling mistake…I think I need help.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female……Any part under a car’s hood.
Male……..The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female……Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male……..Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female……The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male…Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female…….A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male………Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female……A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male……..Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female……An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male……..A source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female……The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male……..Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…….A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male………A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

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Thanks to Viveka for this one.

Joke 851

Guess what I did yesterday?

Hobbit Hole (Photo credit: Daniel Peckham)

After 16 pints of Coke, 9 bags of Minstrels and 5 large popcorns, The Hobbit was finally over.

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I met a Spanish Hobbit today.

Bilbao Baggins.

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The Hobbit: the only time it’s quicker to read the book than watch the film.

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We went to the cinema last night.

My husband approached the girl at the front desk and said, “Two tickets, please.”

The girl asked, “For The Hobbit?”

He replied, “Actually, she’s my wife.”

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My friend was showing off his new gold ring so I

snatched it, took it to the nearest volcano and chucked it into the molten lava.

“What did you do that for?!” he shouted at me.

“Force of hobbit,” I replied.

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How many coins does it take to play the new “Hobbit” pinball machine?

None: it takes Tolkiens.

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From jokebook.eu