Joke 843

14 Jul

A Man’s Guide To Womanspeak

People Today - Dec. 3, 1952 ... Translations f...

People Today – Dec. 3, 1952 … Translations for husbands (Sunday, March 11, 2012) …item 2.. Steve Chapman – Afghanistan (03/11/2012) …item 3.. Professor Walter Williams (03/11/2012) … (Photo credit: marsmet451)

FINE 

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks – this will cause you to have one of those arguments. 

FIVE MINUTES 

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade. 

NOTHING 

This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”. 

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) 

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”. 

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) 

This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care”. You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off. 

LOUD SIGH 

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”. 

SOFT SIGH 

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. 

THAT’S OKAY 

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow”. 

GO AHEAD! 

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. 

PLEASE DO 

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.

THANKS 

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say “You’re welcome.” 

THANKS A LOT 

This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”. 

*

From ajokeaday.com

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12 Responses to “Joke 843”

  1. Rorybore July 14, 2013 at 05:14 #

    Hilarious. We need to add “the snort” in here. Hubby knows if a “snort” escapes…..watch out. you done said something really stupid. It is will not be “fine.”

    Like

  2. http://vivinfrance.wordpress.com July 14, 2013 at 07:25 #

    Ouch!

    Like

  3. misswhiplash July 14, 2013 at 08:42 #

    silence…works very well for me..sort of like all of those rolled into one but this can last for ages..until someone asks ‘what’s up’

    Like

  4. MELewis July 14, 2013 at 09:52 #

    Love this! One of the great wonders of the male brain is how they are able to know every app ever invented but are not able to translate the most basic wifely vocabulary.

    Like

  5. benzeknees July 14, 2013 at 10:18 #

    We all need to distribute this to our hubbys! A Malteser for you!

    Like

  6. starryslippers July 14, 2013 at 10:33 #

    I am starting to feel a bit sorry for men lol

    Like

  7. SidevieW July 14, 2013 at 12:05 #

    if only men would red the dvice. they always moan that women don’t come with an instruction manual, yet they never read the manuals for anything….

    Like

  8. mairedubhtx July 14, 2013 at 13:18 #

    These are quite good.

    Like

  9. slpmartin July 15, 2013 at 03:06 #

    Hmm…I must go back now and re-evaluate several recent discussion I’ve had. 🙂

    Like

  10. lanceleuven July 15, 2013 at 11:54 #

    A very useful list, but only really covers some of the basics. What does it mean when you arrive home to a bonfire of your clothes on the front lawn and the locks have been changed? I never did figure that one out…

    Like

  11. Three Well Beings July 16, 2013 at 21:47 #

    The slight distinctions are excellent. Kudos to the person who took serious notice of eyebrow placement. I so agree!

    Like

  12. Perfecting Motherhood July 18, 2013 at 06:10 #

    How come most men know this but they still don’t care? Happy wife, happy life. 🙂

    Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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