They are not all funny but those which are not funny are so useful, I have left them in.
- One good turn gets the duvet.
- The early worm gets eaten.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
- The second mouse gets the cheese.
- Hotel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
- Never kick a fresh cowpat on a hot day.
- Even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.
- The well bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves.
- When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
- To cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
- We can learn much from wise words, little from wisecracks, and less from wise guys.
- Work eight hours and sleep eight hours and make sure they are not the same eight hours.
- A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed.
- A group of idiots led by a wise man can defeat a group of wise people led by an idiot.