London Is My Everest

Joseph Millson as Macbeth © Ellie Kurttz

The necessity of finishing my tale has been hanging over me all week; I cannot write about anything else until the story is finished.  That won’t be today; maybe tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.  It’s creeping in at a petty pace from day to day, probably to the last syllable of recorded time.  Don’t forget, it is a tale told by an idiot.

At about quarter-past the pizza, a cheerful young woman allowed us into the Globe’s outer yard, maintaining the queue order, so that we were able to mock those who left it too late to get the best spot.  Spud and I took turns going to the loo in the thirty minutes before we were allowed into the theatre courtyard.  We were amused to notice our tame writer’s partner leaning on the stage during the final waiting period, still reading his book.  Clearly not his first visit.

It was not the first visit of the young Michigan student standing next to me, either; but she had brought along her family, over here on a visit while she was at a London university as a post-graduate*, to experience the wonder.   That was more like it.  None of your jaded theatre-goer world-weariness for me, thank you very much.  YMS’s father could have done without the whole thing, Spud suspected; but he obviously loved his daughter enough to endure the tedium. Not to worry: in theatre-going accounts, Spud and I enjoyed it enough for a thousand bored fathers.

*Strangers spend five minutes chatting with me and find themselves exchanging Christmas cards for life.

Spud and I had selected our spot during the morning’s tour and we made straight for it.  Here is my view of the stage, taken at my eye line:

It was perfect.  In case you are wondering why the Hub was too stingy to splurge for seats, let me explain something…on my previous visit to the Globe, during my Open University Shakespeare course summer school, the OU bought a bunch of tickets and we sat at random.  I had a great view of the stage and even a cushion for comfort, but I spent the first half of Othello envying the groundlings (cash-poor people who stand in the yard to watch) and how close to the stage they were.  During the interval, I forewent my toilet break in favour of squeezing into a minute gap, up against the stage.  It was everything I hoped it would be.

When the Hub asked me where I’d like to sit this time, I insisted on a groundling ticket.  The great Sam Wanamaker,

The image of American director and actor, Sam Wanamaker (1919-1993) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

when he conceived of the Globe, insisted that there should always be 700 tickets at a fiver each, so that no one would be precluded by price from enjoying the Bard.  What a visionary he was; and how disgusted the Hub was that my great Golden Birthday treat only cost him a tenner.  

Fortunately, as I might have mentioned, I made up for it by hammering his credit card while I was away, which made him feel much better.

The play began; as did Spud’s initiation into the wonder that is real, live theatre, complete with interaction between actors and audience – two separate actors spoke directly to him; and he was particularly thrilled when the drunken Porter raised a huge laugh, by pointing Spud out as a fool.  

Apart from one actor, who shall remain nameless – even though I could name him because it’s not like a poor review from a semi-anonymous blogger is going to have any effect on his career, is it? – the acting was superb.  Macbeth was edgy, intense, manic and eventually unhinged.  Good-looking, too, though the Hub disputes that.  Funnily enough, the Hub never agrees with me about good-looking men: for some reason, he is incredulous whenever I describe another man as good-looking.  How peculiar.

What was not attractive about Macbeth was his bodily fluid – much of which we ended up wearing as he enunciated and emoted liberally across the whole stage. It must be why so few people tried to jostle to the front.  Joseph Millson’s Macbeth was snotty, drooly, spitty and weepy.  Three more fluids and he’d have had his own set of dwarves.  But he was mesmerising.  He was Macbeth.  Despite an almost bare stage and just a couple of props, we were there with him, feeling every emotion, sharing in the horror of the murders, the fear, the paranoia….  The play was also funny in the most deliberate but unexpected way.

Fabulous.

The music was excellent; all live, played on the balcony; helping to create the atmosphere.  I loved the unexpected movements at the end of the play, performed by all of the actors and eventually becoming the jig.  

This jig is from Richard II but it will give you an idea of what happens:

I had not mentioned the jig to Spud, wanting it to be a surprise (if you don’t know, all theatre at that time ended in a jig, presumably to send the audience home in a good mood).  He loved it.  He loved the play, he loved the theatre, he loved the whole experience.  

I wish I had taken a picture of him in that moment, to show you the joy and wonder on his face; it was the best birthday present the Hub has ever given me.

*

Joke 891

Today’s subject matter was inspired by KiwiDutch, who blogged about her visit to the UK.

From Just For Fun

You’re hiking around on Hampstead Heath (a park near London) at the end of a long sunny day.

You run across the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Lord Baden Powell, and Sir Edmund Hillary.  Each gives you different directions to the nearest tube stop.

Who do you think is lying?

Answer: Your story teller, for there is no such thing as a completely sunny day in England.

* 

From The Daily Jester

 

Joke 890

Very British Problems

Thanks to Confuzzledom for steering me in this direction.

From Buzzfeed.  Click the link for lots more.

What problems does your nationality cause you?

Girl, Reading

Simone Martini: Annunciation – Uffizi – Florence (Photo credit: russellmcneil)

The last time we talked, I was sitting on a pavement between the Thames river and the Globe Theatre, eating pizza and chatting to a writer.

We had a good long natter (read: Q&A session in which I remorselessly picked her brain.  I would say ‘brains’ but don’t we all have just one each?) about the merits or otherwise of traditional versus self-publishing and the value of regular blog posting (guilty of not doing which I presently am) in creating a platform from which to sell your masterpiece.

My first question, naturally and not at all tactfully was, Have I heard of you?  

Polite reply: Probably not.  My name is Katie Ward.

My second, What have you written?

The answer: A novel, Girl, Reading.

Reader, I downloaded it.

It is reasonably priced on Amazon at just over a fiver; eight-fifty in the States. While I have been unwell this past week, I devoured it.  I have a…I wouldn’t call it a ‘chapter’, exactly; a section, perhaps; to go.  The book is not a novel in the traditional sense; but neither is it quite a collection of short stories.  It is something in between.  I don’t know what that might be, but I don’t believe it matters.

Here’s what some of the experts say:

Hilary Mantel: Girl Reading is a debut of rare individuality and distinction.

Viv Groskop: This is a real wow of a first novel.

The Telegraph: An impressive debut … each vignette is a masterfully drawn miniature.

The Guardian:  This debut should appeal to a wide but discerning readership. Not for Katie Ward the coming-of-age first novel starring a barely disguised over-sensitive heroine airing her resentments: Girl Reading reads as though its author is five books down. 

Washington Independent Review of Books: Let me echo the book’s last word: Engrossing!

Tate Britain

It is a literary novel of a girl reading – seven girls, actually; in seven separate stories.  The overriding theme for me was that of female choice – whether she has it; how she has it; what she does with it.  Each tale suggests the story behind a work of art, in which girls are reading in various forms, from 1333 to the present and beyond.

Once I had overcome the shock of the missing punctuation (a deliberate device which, ultimately, works; and I say that as a punctuation pedant), I couldn’t put it down.  I am a ruthless reader: life is too short to waste on reading bad books, so I don’t.  This is a good book.

My only frustration is also a compliment to the author: each tale was too short for my liking.  I want to know what happens to the characters once their story ends.   This novel embodies the adage, always leave them wanting more, in the best possible sense.  Definitely recommended.

Incidentally, the author, Katie Ward, is a very nice person, if the three hours we shared on a cold floor are anything to go by.  Visit her website if you’d like to know more.

*

The Laughing Housewife received no fee for this review (sadly).  She just loved the book.

 

Joke 889

Mickey Mouse Bus (Photo credit: Joi)

Apologies for the late joke.  Blame yesterday’s public transport.

*

Heard on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando.

“When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.”

“If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.” 

**

Seen on the back of a van in Rochester, New York:

Caution: Blind Man Driving

On the side of the van (after passing it to see who might be driving):

Rochester Venetian Blind Co.

**

From ahajokes.

 

Joke 888

Brave haircut (Photo credit: Richard Berg)

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!” 

From ajokeaday.com

 

Coming Soon…

…The conclusion to my London tale.

Wax Lips (Photo credit: red clover)

Thank you all for your good wishes.  I am on the mend but I have spent today catching up with some of your blogs.  Don’t be offended if I haven’t visited you yet; I follow a LOT of blogs.

Tomorrow, I’m off to the hospital to see a man about a gag.  I will take two buses there at the crack of rush hour to be fitted for a thing in my mouth that I don’t really want but which is supposed to stop me snoring.

If the dental doctor ends up with my breakfast on his shoes, don’t blame me – I gag if I put too much food in my mouth (it’s why I can’t eat trifle) so how they expect me to sleep with a plastic wotzit in my gob I really don’t know, but doctor, apparently, knows best.

Of course, if I choke to death in my sleep on the plastic wotzit that’s bound to cure my snoring, so the Hub’s all in favour of it.

Anyway, the ordeal of taking four buses and rubber fingers poking around my very private mouth probably means no London post tomorrow.

Sorry.

Joke 887

Edinburgh Fringe Festival Funniest Jokes – another sample from 2008-2013

Wispa (Photo credit: Z303)

• “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”
  – Matt Kirshen
• “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”
  – Alan Sharp
• “Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.”
  – Mark Watson
• “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.”
  – Tim Vine
• “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”
  – Will Marsh
• “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”
  – Rob Beckett
• “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.”
  – Tim Vine
• “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”
  – Stewart Francis
• “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”
  – Stewart Francis (winner, 2012)
• “I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.”
  – Gary Delaney
• “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”
  – Rob Auton (winner, 2013)

From the Huffington Post.

 

Joke 886

High Street, Edinburgh Festival Fringe, 2010 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Edinburgh Fringe Festival Funniest Jokes – a sample from 2008-2013

• “My girlfriend said ‘did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?’. ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘but a gun is easier to conceal’.”
  – Lloyd Langford
• “When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said ‘oh, two or three’. And she wonders why her marriage didn’t work.”
  – Josie Long
• “The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe – wouldn’t it be easier just to talk to a woman?”
  – Stephen Grant
• “I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
  – Jack Whitehall
• “Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?”
  – Dan Antopolski (winner, 2009)
• “I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.”
  – Emo Phillips
• “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”
  – Jack Whitehall
• “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”
  – Gary Delaney

From the Huffington Post

Joke 885

Message on notice board at St Peter & St Paul, Shoreham (Photo credit: L2F1)

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.

• “Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on ‘It’s a Terrible Experience’.”
• “Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.”
• “Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.”
• “A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.”
• “Today’s Sermon: ‘How Much Can a Man Drink?’ with hymns from a full choir.”
• On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: “God is good – Dr. Hargreaves is better.”
• “Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.”
• “The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.”
• “Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.”
• “The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.”
• A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

From ahajokes.

 

Joke 884

Job Interview Cartoon (Photo credit: Mr. Daniel Ted Feliciano)

Job Interview Question

This dilemma was once used as part of a job application.

You are driving along in your two-seater car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man/woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.  He said: “I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”

Never forget to think outside the box.

Read more:http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteDelDia.asp#ixzz2cpZATIPj

***

Looking for other box jokes, I found this one, which has no connection to boxes that I can see, but I loved it anyway:

Q. The Bay of Bengal is in which state?

A. Liquid

*

From jokes.nuvvo.com

 

Globesmacked

Spud has complained that I have posted nothing but jokes this week.  Since I prefer to be the nagger rather than the naggee, here I am.

I’m still not well so all I can manage is to share something which made me smile this week.  You remember how the Globe sent me an autographed programme?

On Tuesday, they sent me another!   I adore the Globe theatre and all who sail in her.

I’m pleased that when I die, the boys will each get an autographed copy.  Feeling like I do, that won’t be long now…

 

Joke 883

funny math (Photo credit: Yuchao.L)

It’s time we got serious around here, so I have a few math/s jokes for you.  If you understand them, please tell me if they are funny (with the exception of the one about the statistician; I got that one).

• Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.
• “A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems” (P. Erdos)  Addendum: American coffee is good for lemmas.
• An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality. A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. A mathematician doesn’t care.
• Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
• Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different. — Goethe
• Mathematics is the art of giving the same name to different things. — J. H. Poincare
• What is a rigorous definition of rigor?
• There is no logical foundation of mathematics, and Gödel has proved it!
• I do not think — therefore I am not.
  

  funny math (Photo credit: Yuchao.L)

Here is the illustration of this principle:
One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, “Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?”  Descartes replied, “I think not,” and promptly vanished.

• A topologist is a person who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
• A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles R Darwin)
• A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
• Classification of mathematical problems as linear and nonlinear is like classification of the Universe as bananas and non-bananas.
• A law of conservation of difficulties: there is no easy way to prove a deep result.
• A tragedy of mathematics is a beautiful conjecture ruined by an ugly fact.
• Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
  

  Bad maths! (Photo credit: linniekin)

• Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.   Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
• Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.
• Mathematics is like checkers in being suitable for the young, not too difficult, amusing, and without peril to the state. (Plato)
• The difference between an introvert and extrovert mathematicians is: An introvert mathematician looks at his shoes while talking to you. An extrovert mathematician looks at your shoes.
• Medicine makes people ill, mathematics make them sad and theology makes them sinful. (Martin Luther)

hard math (Photo credit: misterbisson)

From math.utah.edu

 

Joke 882

Gerty’s Bill Cosby sweater (Photo credit: sukisuki)

The Wisdom Of Bill Cosby

• Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.
• Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
• Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
• My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn’t because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.
• No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behaviour, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behaviour is always normal.
• Old is always fifteen years from now.
• Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.
• Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.
• Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework.
• That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
• Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.
• You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who’ve never had any.
• Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will  carry.
• Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back  home.
• Did  you ever see the customers in health – food stores? They are pale, skinny people  who look half-dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They’re  dying, of course, but they look terrific.
• Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

From Brainy Quotes and Seven Thoughts.

Joke 881

Your call is very important to us (Photo credit: cheerfulmonk)

My dear Viv phoned me from her hospital bed in France to share this joke.  I hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

*

A man was chatting to a psychiatrist and the conversation turned to what criteria he used to determine that a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the psychiatrist, “I fill a bath with water and then I offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bath.  Tell me,” the psychiatrist continued, “would you use the teaspoon, the teacup or the bucket?”

“Oh, definitely the bucket.  Any normal person would choose that because it is bigger than the spoon or the cup.”

“No,” said the Director, “a normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a room with a view?”

***

And here’s a joke just for Viv, but you can read it, too.

*

“Just relax”, the hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail.  Jim’s  wife was in labour and Jim was a nervous wreck. After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “It’s a  girl!”

“Thank goodness it’s a girl,” said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”

*

Read more:  Hospital Jokes http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/jokes/doctor-humor/hospital-jokes/#ixzz2cXYVeOcY