Archive | September, 2013

Diary Of A Fifty-Year Old (3)

30 Sep

12:30

Lunch.  A girl may be old, but she’s gotta eat.

14:00

Into Stockport.  The Hub wanted me to have something to open on my birthday because I couldn’t open London, so he bought me a beautiful eternity ring. Because of my weight loss, however, it was too large for my finger and needs to be re-sized.  While I was chatting to the jeweller the Hub spotted a pretty little ring, gold with pink sapphires…and now I have two new rings!

But I only got one writing magazine.  He’s so mean.

15:30

Collected Tory Boy from the station and cooed and fussed enough to make him want to get straight back on the train to Peterborough.

Highlights coming up: 

  • Chinese for dinner
  • Creative Writing class
  • Take out my contact lenses

 

Diary Of A Fifty-Year Old (2)

30 Sep

11:03

wobble jelly wobble

wobble jelly wobble (Photo credit: bluebakeblog)

Weighed myself.

Jumped out in front of the Hub in my birthday suit, giving him the fright of his life.

Correction: Jumped out in front of the Hub in my birthday suit with no jellywobbles, giving him the fright of his life.

Shouted, Tah-dah!  64kilos!  I’ve lost ten kilos! You have to buy me two writing magazines!

Took a shower.

Hub took a cold shower (it’s my birthday; not his).

 

Diary Of A Fifty-Year Old (1)

30 Sep
50–50 (game show)

50–50 (game show) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In case I haven’t mentioned it, today is my birthday.  Yes, fifty years ago today, my Mother stood up and said to my Dad, ‘I don’t remember coughing,’ and three hours later I was born.

The celebrations started last night (if we don’t count the last three months), when Spud came into my room just after midnight to wish me a happy birthday. He’s so sweet.  But really…awake so late on a school night?  I’ll have to have words with that boy.

06:30

Spud insisted I have a lie-in today (I deserve one every fifty years) but old habits die hard and I was awake before him.  I crossed my legs as long as I could (not long at all, as it happened; this old bladder is just like my mother’s in pregnancy) and then sneaked to the bathroom before he awoke.

I had to lie there for thirty minutes while he got up, showered, dressed, blah-blah-blah…I think he forgot it was my birthday because he just left me there, sleeping (he thought).

When I heard him coming with my tea, I hid under the covers:

Spud [stage whisper]: Wake up, Mum.

Me: [stage yell, muffled]: Go away!

[Puzzled pause]

Spud [indoor voice]: Wake up, Mum, it’s your birthday.  Happy birthday!

Me: [under the quilt voice]: Go away!  I don’t want to be fifty!  I’m not fifty until I get up.  I’m not getting up.

Spud [Panicked – Mum’s having a mid-life crisis]: Umm..

Me [Gleeful]: Heeheeheeheeheehee…

I had first considered moving round so he found my feet on the pillow but then I thought, Nah, I’m fifty now; time to grow up.  Besides, these old bones would have taken too long to make the move.

07:20

Opened my cards.  I decided yesterday to save the presents until this afternoon, when Tory Boy arrives.

07:30

The Hub suggested I open just one present, because everyone should open a present on their birthday morning; I chose Viv’s, whose interesting M&S parcel has been sitting there, tormenting me for the past two weeks.

07:31

Opened the rest of my presents.

If Tory Boy wants to be part of this family, he’d better move back to Stockport.

08:00

Saw Spud off to school (late).

Fed the dogs: Toby’s breakfast waits for no fifty-year old.

Read all of my birthday messages via email, Facebook, text, etc.  Thank you, all!

08:25

Got my breakfast.  Had a packet of crisps for pudding, to celebrate (diets are forbidden on birthdays).

08: 50

Stopped eating long enough to answer a couple of calls, wishing me a happy birthday.

09:10

Played Spider Solitaire on my computer.  Just because it’s my birthday.

And because it’s my birthday, I opted not to feel guilty about wasting time.

Happy birthday, me!

*

Expect a lot of posts today; or, as the media puts it when there are important events taking place, Look out for live updates throughout the day.

 

Joke 921

30 Sep

Guess what day it is…finally?

  • Fifty is a powerful age for women. You can set off sprinkler systems with your hot flushes.
  • By fifty, you’ve figured out that time is a great healer and a not-so-hot beautician.
  • At 50 years old, life seems shorter. No point in spending it trying to make yourself disappear by dieting.
  • 50 years old: you finally get your head together, but your body has other ideas.
  • 50 years old. In Led Zeppelin terms, that’s halfway up the stairway to heaven.
  • You’ve got four sizes of clothes in your closet, three of which you’ll never wear again.
  • You spend more time trimming your nose hair than head hair.
  • You realize with some irritation that your parents were right about nearly everything.
  • The street vendor says “Yes, Ma’am” instead of “You got it, Darlin’.”
  • Your high school yearbook is mouldy enough to support a thriving colony of algae.
  • When you look in a full-length mirror, you can see your butt from the front.
  • You’re still hot, but only in flashes.
  • 50 years old means no more wearing speedos on the beach. This is a rule.   Greg Tamblyn
  • At 50, you’ve entered the stone age: gall, kidney, and bladder.
  • 50 years old? Look on the bright side. The older you get, the more likely you are to outlive your child support payments.   Melanie White
  • The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.   T. S. Eliot
  • Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.     Tom Wilson
  • The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.    Paulina Borsook
  • A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police.   Henny Youngman
  • Happy 20th anniversary of your 30th Birthday.
  • Happy 50th Birthday!!! Let’s crack open a bottle of prune juice.
  • At age 50, everyone has the face he deserves.   George Orwell

  • At fifty you’ve accumulated the knowledge and wisdom of half a century. This would be a tremendous asset if only darned senility hadn’t wiped your memory bank.
  • You can finally sell those dreadful diet and exercise books that have sat unopened on the bookshelf for years.
  • The best form of birth control for people over 50: nudity.
  • I’m getting to an age when I can only enjoy the last sport left. It is called hunting for my spectacles.
  • I’ve got everything I always had. Only it’s six inches lower.
  • Now I’m over 50 my doctor says I should go out and get more fresh air and exercise. I said, ‘All right, I’ll drive with the car window open.’
  • You’re getting past it when you invite women to spend a moderately grubby weekend with you.
  • You know you’re getting older when a fortune teller offers to read your face.
  • When you’re over 50 you can still do all the things you did when you were 17, that’s if you don’t mind making a complete prat of yourself.

  • You can only hold your stomach in for so many years.
  • You’re getting past it when you look forward to a dull evening in.

  • Are you going to have candles on your birthday cake? “No, it’s a birthday party, not a torchlight procession.”

For Women

You know you’re 50 when…

  • Your face has more wrinkles than an elephant’s backside.
  • You can look back on your 40th birthday and wonder what all the drama was about.
  • You’re thankful when someone tells you that you have lipstick on your teeth because it means you still have teeth.
  • You purchase your moisturizer by the case instead of by the jar.
  • Hair dye goes on your shopping list under “essentials” instead of “luxuries.”
  • That come hither look you used to have in your eyes just doesn’t look as enticing through your bifocals.
  • Your once fabulous behind now looks more like a set of mud flaps.
  • Your hot flashes result in savings on your heating bill.
  • You finally understand that being over the hill beats being planted under it.

For Men

You know you’re 50 when…

  • You now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.
  • Your idea of getting lucky is being able to find your car in Walmart’s parking lot on the first try.
  • You have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you can’t see over your belly.
  • Your trick knee goes out more than you do.
  • Your idea of a hot time is putting a heating pad on your bad back.
  • You want your kids to think you’re cool, so you ask them to help set up your own page on MyFace and you can’t understand what they’re giggling about.
  • Getting some action means all those prunes your doctor is making you eat are doing their job.
  • You and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.
  • Getting high means it’s time to take your blood pressure medication.

Happy birthday to someone else who’s turning fifty this year…

Jokes from:

http://www.funny-jokes-quotes-sayings.com/funny-50th-birthday-sayings.html

http://seniors.lovetoknow.com/Turning_50_Jokes

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/50th-birthday-jokes.html

http://www.wherewhywhen.com/turning-50-jokes-over-50-jokes/

Click on the images to see where they come from.

 

Joke 920

29 Sep

Woman1:  Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!

Hairstyle

Hairstyle (Photo credit: Frédéric Renaud)

Woman2:  Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman1:  No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff, I think.

Woman2:  Are you serious? I think your face is adorable, and you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so good on you. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman1:  Oh – I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman2:  Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier…

*

Man1:  Haircut?

Man2:  Yeah.

 

The Seven Stages Of Hair

28 Sep

I have to say, I love turning fifty!  I’ve been celebrating since July and it’s not over yet – it’s the birthday that keeps on giving.

My lovely friend Christine told me to keep last Saturday morning free.  She collected me at 8:30 and walked me up to her hairdresser’s, Hair @ 42 on Bloom Street in Edgeley, where I had a cut and blow and a manicure!  How annoying that I had showered in honour of our date.

Right now, Christine is on a cruise, celebrating her own birthday.  As she won’t be here for my birthday, spoiling me was the least she could do, I’m sure you’ll agree.  Christine knows I haven’t been to a hairdresser for about six years; and I’ve never had a manicure.  I have the best friends!

The idea was that we do the whole thing together – me for my birthday; Christine for her cruise – but she couldn’t get matching appointments.  She waited in the salon, however, denying boredom and taking barked-out camera direction from me, for your delectation.

Janet the Hairdresser was lovely but I’m not sure she was a real hairdresser because she wasn’t at all intimidating and she seemed genuinely interested in what I wanted done to my hair.  She was most obliging, as well, stopping to allow Christine to take a picture whenever I gave the word.  When it’s time for my next hair cut in six years’ time, that’s where I’ll be going.

The hair part was fun but the manicure was funner.  Christine knows Alison the manicurist well and we had a girly, giggly session, the likes of which I haven’t had since my teens.  I can’t tell you what was said because what happens in the nail room stays in the nail room; but I can tell you that I went to the toilet before we started (just as well, with all the giggling that followed) and I was so enthralled with my hair, admiring it in the mirror, wondering if I could ever reproduce the style, that I forgot to wash my hands.  Fortunately, I realised before I touched anything, and went back to do it.  I don’t think that has happened since I was a toddler.

Bet you wish that information had stayed in the nail room, don’t you?

The Seven Stages Of Hair

*

Disgust

(On my part, when I worked it out and then had to say it out loud)

You'll have to lose 2 1/2 inches if you want it in good condition. Six years!  Tch!

You’ll have to lose 2 1/2 inches if you want it in good condition.
Six years! Tch!

Resolution

Just do it!

Just do it!

Anxiety

Will the Hub ever speak to me again?

Will the Hub ever speak to me again?

Acceptance

Take the picture, Christine: I don't mind looking stupid.

Take the picture, Christine: I don’t mind looking stupid.

Delight

I'm being pampered!  I LOVE going to the hairdresser's!

I’m being pampered! I LOVE going to the hairdresser’s!

Vanity

Get me, all posh!

Get me, all posh!

Gratitude

Christine&Tilly Friends 4EVR

Christine&Tilly
Friends 4EVR

 

Joke 919

28 Sep
Push-through cleaning station

Push-through cleaning station (Photo credit: magnusfranklin)

More jokes from Viv’s son’s son:

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
***
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie…Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

***
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry
tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
***
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
***
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as
your brother’s.  Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
***
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

How much farther now papa smurf?

How much farther now papa smurf? (Photo credit: Graela)

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