Diary Of A Fifty-Year Old (3)

12:30

Lunch.  A girl may be old, but she’s gotta eat.

14:00

Into Stockport.  The Hub wanted me to have something to open on my birthday because I couldn’t open London, so he bought me a beautiful eternity ring. Because of my weight loss, however, it was too large for my finger and needs to be re-sized.  While I was chatting to the jeweller the Hub spotted a pretty little ring, gold with pink sapphires…and now I have two new rings!

But I only got one writing magazine.  He’s so mean.

15:30

Collected Tory Boy from the station and cooed and fussed enough to make him want to get straight back on the train to Peterborough.

Highlights coming up: 

• Chinese for dinner
• Creative Writing class
• Take out my contact lenses

 

Diary Of A Fifty-Year Old (2)

11:03

wobble jelly wobble (Photo credit: bluebakeblog)

Weighed myself.

Jumped out in front of the Hub in my birthday suit, giving him the fright of his life.

Correction: Jumped out in front of the Hub in my birthday suit with no jellywobbles, giving him the fright of his life.

Shouted, Tah-dah!  64kilos!  I’ve lost ten kilos! You have to buy me two writing magazines!

Took a shower.

Hub took a cold shower (it’s my birthday; not his).

 

Diary Of A Fifty-Year Old (1)

50–50 (game show) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In case I haven’t mentioned it, today is my birthday.  Yes, fifty years ago today, my Mother stood up and said to my Dad, ‘I don’t remember coughing,’ and three hours later I was born.

The celebrations started last night (if we don’t count the last three months), when Spud came into my room just after midnight to wish me a happy birthday. He’s so sweet.  But really…awake so late on a school night?  I’ll have to have words with that boy.

06:30

Spud insisted I have a lie-in today (I deserve one every fifty years) but old habits die hard and I was awake before him.  I crossed my legs as long as I could (not long at all, as it happened; this old bladder is just like my mother’s in pregnancy) and then sneaked to the bathroom before he awoke.

I had to lie there for thirty minutes while he got up, showered, dressed, blah-blah-blah…I think he forgot it was my birthday because he just left me there, sleeping (he thought).

When I heard him coming with my tea, I hid under the covers:

Spud [stage whisper]: Wake up, Mum.

Me: [stage yell, muffled]: Go away!

[Puzzled pause]

Spud [indoor voice]: Wake up, Mum, it’s your birthday.  Happy birthday!

Me: [under the quilt voice]: Go away!  I don’t want to be fifty!  I’m not fifty until I get up.  I’m not getting up.

Spud [Panicked – Mum’s having a mid-life crisis]: Umm..

Me [Gleeful]: Heeheeheeheeheehee…

I had first considered moving round so he found my feet on the pillow but then I thought, Nah, I’m fifty now; time to grow up.  Besides, these old bones would have taken too long to make the move.

07:20

Opened my cards.  I decided yesterday to save the presents until this afternoon, when Tory Boy arrives.

07:30

The Hub suggested I open just one present, because everyone should open a present on their birthday morning; I chose Viv’s, whose interesting M&S parcel has been sitting there, tormenting me for the past two weeks.

07:31

Opened the rest of my presents.

If Tory Boy wants to be part of this family, he’d better move back to Stockport.

08:00

Saw Spud off to school (late).

Fed the dogs: Toby’s breakfast waits for no fifty-year old.

Read all of my birthday messages via email, Facebook, text, etc.  Thank you, all!

08:25

Got my breakfast.  Had a packet of crisps for pudding, to celebrate (diets are forbidden on birthdays).

08: 50

Stopped eating long enough to answer a couple of calls, wishing me a happy birthday.

09:10

Played Spider Solitaire on my computer.  Just because it’s my birthday.

And because it’s my birthday, I opted not to feel guilty about wasting time.

Happy birthday, me!

*

Expect a lot of posts today; or, as the media puts it when there are important events taking place, Look out for live updates throughout the day.

 

Joke 921

Guess what day it is…finally?

• Fifty is a powerful age for women. You can set off sprinkler systems with your hot flushes.
• By fifty, you’ve figured out that time is a great healer and a not-so-hot beautician.
• At 50 years old, life seems shorter. No point in spending it trying to make yourself disappear by dieting.
• 50 years old: you finally get your head together, but your body has other ideas.
• 50 years old. In Led Zeppelin terms, that’s halfway up the stairway to heaven.
• You’ve got four sizes of clothes in your closet, three of which you’ll never wear again.
• You spend more time trimming your nose hair than head hair.
• You realize with some irritation that your parents were right about nearly everything.
• The street vendor says “Yes, Ma’am” instead of “You got it, Darlin’.”
• Your high school yearbook is mouldy enough to support a thriving colony of algae.
• When you look in a full-length mirror, you can see your butt from the front.
• You’re still hot, but only in flashes.
• 50 years old means no more wearing speedos on the beach. This is a rule.   Greg Tamblyn
• At 50, you’ve entered the stone age: gall, kidney, and bladder.
• 50 years old? Look on the bright side. The older you get, the more likely you are to outlive your child support payments.   Melanie White
• The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.   T. S. Eliot
• Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.     Tom Wilson
• The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.    Paulina Borsook
• A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police.   Henny Youngman
• Happy 20th anniversary of your 30th Birthday.
• Happy 50th Birthday!!! Let’s crack open a bottle of prune juice.
• At age 50, everyone has the face he deserves.   George Orwell

• At fifty you’ve accumulated the knowledge and wisdom of half a century. This would be a tremendous asset if only darned senility hadn’t wiped your memory bank.
• You can finally sell those dreadful diet and exercise books that have sat unopened on the bookshelf for years.
• The best form of birth control for people over 50: nudity.
• I’m getting to an age when I can only enjoy the last sport left. It is called hunting for my spectacles.
• I’ve got everything I always had. Only it’s six inches lower.
• Now I’m over 50 my doctor says I should go out and get more fresh air and exercise. I said, ‘All right, I’ll drive with the car window open.’
• You’re getting past it when you invite women to spend a moderately grubby weekend with you.
• You know you’re getting older when a fortune teller offers to read your face.

• When you’re over 50 you can still do all the things you did when you were 17, that’s if you don’t mind making a complete prat of yourself.

• You can only hold your stomach in for so many years.

• You’re getting past it when you look forward to a dull evening in.

• Are you going to have candles on your birthday cake? “No, it’s a birthday party, not a torchlight procession.”

For Women

You know you’re 50 when…

• Your face has more wrinkles than an elephant’s backside.
• You can look back on your 40th birthday and wonder what all the drama was about.
• You’re thankful when someone tells you that you have lipstick on your teeth because it means you still have teeth.
• You purchase your moisturizer by the case instead of by the jar.
• Hair dye goes on your shopping list under “essentials” instead of “luxuries.”
• That come hither look you used to have in your eyes just doesn’t look as enticing through your bifocals.
• Your once fabulous behind now looks more like a set of mud flaps.
• Your hot flashes result in savings on your heating bill.
• You finally understand that being over the hill beats being planted under it.

For Men

You know you’re 50 when…

• You now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.
• Your idea of getting lucky is being able to find your car in Walmart’s parking lot on the first try.
• You have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you can’t see over your belly.
• Your trick knee goes out more than you do.
• Your idea of a hot time is putting a heating pad on your bad back.
• You want your kids to think you’re cool, so you ask them to help set up your own page on MyFace and you can’t understand what they’re giggling about.
• Getting some action means all those prunes your doctor is making you eat are doing their job.
• You and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.
• Getting high means it’s time to take your blood pressure medication.

Happy birthday to someone else who’s turning fifty this year…

Jokes from:

http://www.funny-jokes-quotes-sayings.com/funny-50th-birthday-sayings.html

http://seniors.lovetoknow.com/Turning_50_Jokes

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/50th-birthday-jokes.html

http://www.wherewhywhen.com/turning-50-jokes-over-50-jokes/

Click on the images to see where they come from.

 

Joke 920

Woman1:  Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!

Hairstyle (Photo credit: Frédéric Renaud)

Woman2:  Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman1:  No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff, I think.

Woman2:  Are you serious? I think your face is adorable, and you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so good on you. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman1:  Oh – I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman2:  Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier…

*

Man1:  Haircut?

Man2:  Yeah.

 

The Seven Stages Of Hair

I have to say, I love turning fifty!  I’ve been celebrating since July and it’s not over yet – it’s the birthday that keeps on giving.

My lovely friend Christine told me to keep last Saturday morning free.  She collected me at 8:30 and walked me up to her hairdresser’s, Hair @ 42 on Bloom Street in Edgeley, where I had a cut and blow and a manicure!  How annoying that I had showered in honour of our date.

Right now, Christine is on a cruise, celebrating her own birthday.  As she won’t be here for my birthday, spoiling me was the least she could do, I’m sure you’ll agree.  Christine knows I haven’t been to a hairdresser for about six years; and I’ve never had a manicure.  I have the best friends!

The idea was that we do the whole thing together – me for my birthday; Christine for her cruise – but she couldn’t get matching appointments.  She waited in the salon, however, denying boredom and taking barked-out camera direction from me, for your delectation.

Janet the Hairdresser was lovely but I’m not sure she was a real hairdresser because she wasn’t at all intimidating and she seemed genuinely interested in what I wanted done to my hair.  She was most obliging, as well, stopping to allow Christine to take a picture whenever I gave the word.  When it’s time for my next hair cut in six years’ time, that’s where I’ll be going.

The hair part was fun but the manicure was funner.  Christine knows Alison the manicurist well and we had a girly, giggly session, the likes of which I haven’t had since my teens.  I can’t tell you what was said because what happens in the nail room stays in the nail room; but I can tell you that I went to the toilet before we started (just as well, with all the giggling that followed) and I was so enthralled with my hair, admiring it in the mirror, wondering if I could ever reproduce the style, that I forgot to wash my hands.  Fortunately, I realised before I touched anything, and went back to do it.  I don’t think that has happened since I was a toddler.

Bet you wish that information had stayed in the nail room, don’t you?

*

Disgust

(On my part, when I worked it out and then had to say it out loud)

You’ll have to lose 2 1/2 inches if you want it in good condition.
Six years! Tch!

Resolution

Just do it!

Anxiety

Will the Hub ever speak to me again?

Acceptance

Take the picture, Christine: I don’t mind looking stupid.

Delight

I’m being pampered! I LOVE going to the hairdresser’s!

Vanity

Get me, all posh!

Gratitude

Christine&Tilly
Friends 4EVR

 

Joke 919

Push-through cleaning station (Photo credit: magnusfranklin)

More jokes from Viv’s son’s son:

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
***
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie…Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

***
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry
tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
***
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
***
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as
your brother’s.  Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
***
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

How much farther now papa smurf? (Photo credit: Graela)

Joke 918

(Photo credit: Graela)

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
***
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
***
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
***
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

***
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
***
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

*

From Vivinfrance, via her son and grandson

[victorian child care] (Photo credit: RHiNO NEAL)

Joke 917

Love of food (Photo credit: tsakshaug)

More Children On The Subject Of Love

• “I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘Dinosaurs’ is on television.” Jill, age 6
• “Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” Dave, age 8
• “I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” Regina, age 10

On Relationships

• “Sensitivity don’t hurt.” Robbie, age 8
• “One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” Ava, age 8

On Making Someone Fall In Love With You

• “Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” Del, age 6
• “Shake your hips and hope for the best.” Camille, age 9
• “Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs…and don’t worry if their parents are right there.” Manuel, age 8
• Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” Alonzo, age 9
• “One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.” Bart, age 9

On The Food Of Love

• “Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” Bobby, age 9
• “Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold… Other people care more about the food.” Bart, age 9
• “Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.” Sarah, age 9
• “See if the man has lipstick on his face.” Sandra, age 7
• “It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are – on fire.” Christine, age 9

On Those Three Little Words

• “The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.” Michelle, age 9
• “Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat.” Dick, age 7

From bitoffun.com

Joke 916

Веснушки (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What Kids Really Think About…

…Love

• “One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.” Andrew, age 6
• “No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell… That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” Mae, age 9 
• “I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” Manual, age 8
• “It’s like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” John, age 9 
• “If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” Glenn, age 7 
• “If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” Anita C., age 8 
• “It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” Brian, age 7 
• “Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” Christine, age 9
• “Mooshy…like puppy dogs…except puppy dogs don’t wag their tails nearly as much.” Arnold, age 10
• “When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don’t get up for at least an hour.” Wendy, age 8 

…Lovers Going To The Movies

• “All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark.” Sherm, age 8
• “They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.” Gavin, age 8 
• “They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.” John, age 9

 

From abitoffun.com

Tuesday Tattle

222/365: Droodle glass (Photo credit: add1sun)

2013 has been a great year in many ways, but I do seem to have had a lot of minor ailments.   As someone who hardly ever gets sick except for the occasional cold, I am beginning to feel irritated with myself.

Or I would, if I didn’t feel so unwell.  It’s a sore throat, congestion and queasiness today.  Nothing a two-hour afternoon nap and a shout at the Hub can’t cure, I’m sure.

Maltesers bucket (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Thank you to those of you who have sent jokes in exchange for the hope of a box of Maltesers.  There’s still plenty of time to email them to thelaughinghousewife@gmail.com.  I’m looking for a good ‘un for Joke 1001.

***

I signed up for another creative writing class which began last night at the local high school.  It must be my fourth in as many years.  They are a great stimulus to writing, a way to make friends (you can never have enough friends; especially when you have a birthday coming up), and jolly good fun, too.  

However, I forgot that we have to do fiction writing and I don’t like fiction writing, except about my life (you didn’t really think the Hub was happily married, did you?).  I have to create a character for next week and even I can see he’s cliché-ridden and a bit of jerk (sorry; I was daydreaming about…no, I’m not going there: it’s my birthday next week and I want him to be speaking to me).

Todays doodlegirl brought to you by generous dontations from Al Literate, Cade Ants, and Rye Mann (Photo credit: Graela)

In an effort to stave off the worst of this bug and lose weight at the same time, I have overdosed on Vitamin C today (too much Vitamin C acts as a natural laxative, apparently).

I had lemon juice in hot water but it tasted salty.  Does anyone know why?

I do hope it’s not that the dishwasher isn’t rinsing properly.

On the other hand, that would explain my general germiness.

King Germ (Photo credit: eat more toast)

 

Joke 915

Funny kids sign (Photo credit: hugovk)

How do you know when a plane is full of teenagers?

When the engine stops, the whining goes on.

***

When a family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked the five-year-old how he liked the new place.

“It’s terrific,” he said. “I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.”

***

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

***

Two young boys started a conversation in the waiting room of a doctors’ office.

The first one asked the other, “What are you here for?”

The second replied, “I’m here to get circumcised.”

“Oh boy!” said the first, “I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year and a half.”

*

From bitoffun.com

Surprise, Surprise!

A parcel arrived in the post from Australia:

The parcel was expected; the contents were not.  

That’s not as daft as it sounds – the lovely Blubee read my South African poetry collection via email; and was kind enough to print it out and send it back to me in the UK, with her annotations.  She also sent Maltesers, poetry, dogs, pens, napkins, Earl Grey, notebooks…she is clearly an avid reader/stalker.  She knows me well.  

I confess, I wouldn’t have opened the parcel until next week if I had known it was for my birthday; but I’m not sorry.

If you would like to learn more about Blubee, you can find her here.

As delighted as I was with everything, however (especially the book of poems written by dogs; so close to the truth, I suspect my own dogs may have submitted to publishers and not told me because they have greater success than I do), as lovely as it all was, what really touched me was the beautiful note Blubee wrote about my poetry and how it affected her.

Thank you so much, Blubee; you made my year.

Joke 914

Cowslip (Primula veris) On the grass verge on May Day. According to legend, St Peter dropped the keys to Heaven and where they landed Cowslips grew (the flowers were thought to resemble a set of keys). Its name derives from “cowpat”, (Old English “cuslyppe”) from where Cowslips would spring up when they were common in the wild. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A good, rich man was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars; he placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man died and showed up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter  saw the suitcase and said, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checked and came back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind.  He took one look and exclaimed, “You brought pavement?!”

 

Joke 913

Scotty Cannon, Denver 1999. Cannon is an NHRA funny car driver in the U.S. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“I rent a lot of cars, but I don’t always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s really not an emergency brake; it’s an emergency “make the car smell funny” lever.” – Mitch Hedberg

***

Condoms prevent minivans

***

Guy walks into my parts store. Says, “I need a gas cap for a Kia.”

I said, “Okay, sounds like a fair trade.”

*

From Jalopnik