Archive | 14:41

900 Days

9 Sep

Today is the 900th day of my 101 tasks in a 1001 days challenge.

I have told 900 jokes.  More than 900, probably, because some days the jokes are so bad I tell a few more in the hope of getting one weak but elongated laugh instead of a brief but definite chuckle, or – nirvana – a huge belly laugh.

Notifies people of a joke. (SVG version)

Notifies people of a joke. (SVG version) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have to tell 101 more jokes to meet my challenge.  That’s 101 days or fourteen weeks and a few days or three and a half months and a bit days or a quarter of a year or a whole lot of hysteria because I want my last joke to be a laugh-out-loud-so-hard-you-pee-a-little joke so that I finish with a flourish.

I have yet to find one, despite having had 900 days so far in which to search.  That’s where you come in.

You knew when you started reading this post there was going to be work in it for you, didn’t you?  But I just sucked you right in, anyway.  Here’s my request: I need clean, funny jokes.  Send them to me.

I know that’s more like an order than a request, but the stress is getting to me. Sorry.  I can’t be funny and do all of the research and eat Maltesers instead of real food (I’m on a diet), now can I?

Speaking of which, the joke that is posted on the Last Day of the Challenge will earn a box of Maltesers.  I will post to anywhere in the world.

Maltesers in a tray.

Maltesers in a tray. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Please don’t let it be like last time, when I awarded a box for the best Christmas joke and I had to post it all the way to…Scotland (nae offence intended, Wee Scoops).  I want a funny joke from a foreigner; or from a non-foreigner residing in a foreign land. Somewhere overseas; and that doesn’t mean the Isle of Wight.

Local readers are, of course, encouraged to send jokes as well.  It’s not that I don’t value you; it’s that I want to see the Hub’s face when he has to pay postage to the other side of the world (are you listening, Australia?).  That would be a Christmas present worthy of the name.   I reiterate – no rude jokes (are you listening, Australia?).

If you have a joke for me, please email it to Please.  No, really.  I want a laugh-out-loud-I-didn’t-expect-the-punchline-my-ribs-hurt kind of joke.  I won’t part with my Maltesers for anything less.  

I mean it.  You know these hips don’t lie.

Joke 900

9 Sep
Funny Dick Bumper Sticker

Funny Dick Bumper Sticker (Photo credit: Amarand Agasi)

Last Lot of Bumper Stickers

  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
  • Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
  • Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
  • Herblock’s Law: If it’s good, they will stop making it.
  • It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
  • It works better if you plug it in.
  • It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
  • Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
  • Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
  • Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
  • Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
  • The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
  • You have the right to remain silent…Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • We Are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

    Funny Linux Bumper Sticker

    Funny Linux Bumper Sticker (Photo credit: Amarand Agasi)

  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.
  • Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
  • I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Funny Bumper Sticker - 2 of 2

Funny Bumper Sticker – 2 of 2 (Photo credit: sameold2010)

Find these and many more at ahajokes.

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