Joke 905

Animated horse, made by rotoscoping 19th century photos by Eadweard Muybridge. Artistic license has been used to achieve the cartoony look. Animated by J-E Nyström, User:Janke, released under CC-BY-SA-2.5 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks to Vastly Curious for pointing me in the direction of funnyordie.com, who supplied these jokes.

• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• Some people say, “If you can’t beat them, join them.” I say, “If you can’t beat them, beat them,” because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
• The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it than it does when you are in it.
• Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
• Whoever coined the phrase, “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
• I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it, so I said, “Implants?”
• I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
• A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• When in doubt, mumble.
• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.