Joke 921

30 Sep

Guess what day it is…finally?

  • Fifty is a powerful age for women. You can set off sprinkler systems with your hot flushes.
  • By fifty, you’ve figured out that time is a great healer and a not-so-hot beautician.
  • At 50 years old, life seems shorter. No point in spending it trying to make yourself disappear by dieting.
  • 50 years old: you finally get your head together, but your body has other ideas.
  • 50 years old. In Led Zeppelin terms, that’s halfway up the stairway to heaven.
  • You’ve got four sizes of clothes in your closet, three of which you’ll never wear again.
  • You spend more time trimming your nose hair than head hair.
  • You realize with some irritation that your parents were right about nearly everything.
  • The street vendor says “Yes, Ma’am” instead of “You got it, Darlin’.”
  • Your high school yearbook is mouldy enough to support a thriving colony of algae.
  • When you look in a full-length mirror, you can see your butt from the front.
  • You’re still hot, but only in flashes.
  • 50 years old means no more wearing speedos on the beach. This is a rule.   Greg Tamblyn
  • At 50, you’ve entered the stone age: gall, kidney, and bladder.
  • 50 years old? Look on the bright side. The older you get, the more likely you are to outlive your child support payments.   Melanie White
  • The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.   T. S. Eliot
  • Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.     Tom Wilson
  • The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.    Paulina Borsook
  • A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police.   Henny Youngman
  • Happy 20th anniversary of your 30th Birthday.
  • Happy 50th Birthday!!! Let’s crack open a bottle of prune juice.
  • At age 50, everyone has the face he deserves.   George Orwell

  • At fifty you’ve accumulated the knowledge and wisdom of half a century. This would be a tremendous asset if only darned senility hadn’t wiped your memory bank.
  • You can finally sell those dreadful diet and exercise books that have sat unopened on the bookshelf for years.
  • The best form of birth control for people over 50: nudity.
  • I’m getting to an age when I can only enjoy the last sport left. It is called hunting for my spectacles.
  • I’ve got everything I always had. Only it’s six inches lower.
  • Now I’m over 50 my doctor says I should go out and get more fresh air and exercise. I said, ‘All right, I’ll drive with the car window open.’
  • You’re getting past it when you invite women to spend a moderately grubby weekend with you.
  • You know you’re getting older when a fortune teller offers to read your face.
  • When you’re over 50 you can still do all the things you did when you were 17, that’s if you don’t mind making a complete prat of yourself.

  • You can only hold your stomach in for so many years.
  • You’re getting past it when you look forward to a dull evening in.

  • Are you going to have candles on your birthday cake? “No, it’s a birthday party, not a torchlight procession.”

For Women

You know you’re 50 when…

  • Your face has more wrinkles than an elephant’s backside.
  • You can look back on your 40th birthday and wonder what all the drama was about.
  • You’re thankful when someone tells you that you have lipstick on your teeth because it means you still have teeth.
  • You purchase your moisturizer by the case instead of by the jar.
  • Hair dye goes on your shopping list under “essentials” instead of “luxuries.”
  • That come hither look you used to have in your eyes just doesn’t look as enticing through your bifocals.
  • Your once fabulous behind now looks more like a set of mud flaps.
  • Your hot flashes result in savings on your heating bill.
  • You finally understand that being over the hill beats being planted under it.

For Men

You know you’re 50 when…

  • You now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.
  • Your idea of getting lucky is being able to find your car in Walmart’s parking lot on the first try.
  • You have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you can’t see over your belly.
  • Your trick knee goes out more than you do.
  • Your idea of a hot time is putting a heating pad on your bad back.
  • You want your kids to think you’re cool, so you ask them to help set up your own page on MyFace and you can’t understand what they’re giggling about.
  • Getting some action means all those prunes your doctor is making you eat are doing their job.
  • You and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.
  • Getting high means it’s time to take your blood pressure medication.

Happy birthday to someone else who’s turning fifty this year…

Jokes from:

http://www.funny-jokes-quotes-sayings.com/funny-50th-birthday-sayings.html

http://seniors.lovetoknow.com/Turning_50_Jokes

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/50th-birthday-jokes.html

http://www.wherewhywhen.com/turning-50-jokes-over-50-jokes/

Click on the images to see where they come from.

 

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15 Responses to “Joke 921”

  1. Terry September 30, 2013 at 04:21 #

    Those were wonderful ancedotes and Happy Birthday my friend!!!!

    Like

  2. tskraghu September 30, 2013 at 04:49 #

    Haaaappppy B’Day and thanks for the nice treat!

    Like

  3. slpmartin September 30, 2013 at 06:17 #

    I’ve never been good at solving puzzles…now how old are you becoming? ‘Whatever’…happy birthday!

    Like

  4. jmgoyder September 30, 2013 at 06:57 #

    Happy birthday, young Tilly!

    Like

  5. http://vivinfrance.wordpress.com September 30, 2013 at 07:52 #

    You’re barely out of adolescence in my terms. My fave from this post is “The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.” Only too true. Fortunately, I was born a rebel!

    Like

  6. Ron. September 30, 2013 at 10:25 #

    Beware the candle inferno, TB! Have a Great Day.

    Like

  7. laurieanichols September 30, 2013 at 13:47 #

    Happy Birthday!!! Here in the States they are calling 50 the new forty, so you have ten more years to prepare for all of that funny stuff you kindly informed us about. 😀 Hooray for Tilly!

    Like

  8. Three Well Beings September 30, 2013 at 22:44 #

    Liam Neeson and I share a birth year, and he is one who came out and said “60 is the new 40.” So, I’m embracing that philosophy, which I think makes you a mere child, of let’s say, 30!

    Like

  9. Katharine Trauger October 2, 2013 at 05:01 #

    Hey. I have a MyFace account! What’s so funny?
    As my brother and I have begun telling each other: Happy New Year! Love ya’. K

    Like

  10. benzeknees October 2, 2013 at 21:28 #

    Happy, happy, happy birthday Tilly! Because postal rates are so high, you’ll just have to imagine I sent you a crate of Maltesers! 😉

    Like

  11. Tom Merriman October 2, 2013 at 21:44 #

    I’m late now, but never mind. Happy Birthday once again Tilly!
    And those quotes – all of them, oh so true. Apparently. Not that I know personally!!!
    By the way, I used to work with a Tom Wilson and Melanie White… at the same time; although that would only be strange if someone called Paulina Borsook worked there as well…

    Like

  12. bluebee October 7, 2013 at 04:49 #

    Yes!! You made it 😀

    Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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