Archive | October, 2013

Joke 948

27 Oct

Remember!   The clocks went back last night so some of you will be getting this joke an hour earlier.  

Daylight savings time world

Daylight savings time world (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Or later.  I never get the hang of Daylight Saving Time.  And I’m not the only one, apparently…

  • Salvador Dali’s note to self for daylight savings: “Don’t forget to melt the clocks.”
  • Congratulations clock next to my bed, you’re the right time again. Just took some patience.
  •  It sucks cause I also lost an hour back in February (I watched the pilot of ABC’s The River)
  • I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
  • If daylight savings time is throwing your brain for a loop today, wait ’til you hear this: “favorite” isn’t a verb.
  • Thank you daylight savings time for giving me an excuse to be an hour late to everything for the next week and a half.
  • Set all my clocks ahead 12 hours, so I’m good for the next 12 years.
  • Next year we should set the clocks ahead to when people have stopped making Daylight Savings jokes.

The original Twitter sources can be found at The Huff Post.

 

Joke 947

26 Oct
Portrait of a Lady

Portrait of a Lady (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, ”Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch, and gold Rolex.”

“But you’re not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.

“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”

*

From ajokeaday.com

Joke 946

25 Oct
pedestrians reduce speed

pedestrians reduce speed (Photo credit: Leonard John Matthews)

Two small county judges were both arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other’s case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant’s table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too, whereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. “I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!” he fumed.

The first judge looked stern and replied, “This is the second such case we’ve had in here today. Someone has to get tough on all this speeding!” 

*

From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 945

24 Oct
best dentist cartoon ever

best dentist cartoon ever (Photo credit: davechiu)

Q: What does the dentist of the year get?

A: A little plaque.

Q: What is a dentist’s office?

A: A filling station.

Q: What did the dentist see at the North Pole?

A: A molar bear.

Q: What did the dentist say to the golfer?

A: “You have a hole in one.”

Q: Why does a dentist seem moody?

A: Because he always looks down in the mouth.

Every member of the family should form the hab...

Every member of the family should form the habit of brushing the teeth (Photo credit: Government & Heritage Library, State Library of NC)

Q: What did the werewolf eat after he’d had his teeth taken out?

A: The dentist.

Q: Why do dentists like potatoes?

A: Because they are so filling.

Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a Novocaine injection during root canal treatment?

A: He wanted to transcend dental medication. 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/dentistjokes/dentistonelinersjokes.html

 

Joke 944

23 Oct
Unpaid Internship?  I Think Not.

Unpaid Internship? I Think Not. (Photo credit: william couch)

You Know You’re A Student When…

  • Going to the library is a social event.
  • No matter what ails you, the nurse can only give you generic non-aspirin.
  • You need a map to find your classroom.
  • It’s not unusual to see four feet in the next shower stall.
  • You wear flip-flops in the shower, to avoid the mysterious creeping crud.
  • You pay outrageous prices for books that are worthless to you after four months.
  • The word ‘rush’ does not mean ‘to be in a hurry.’
  • You buy enough underwear to last five weeks so you do not have to wash your clothes often.
  • You’re willing to pay extra for edible food.
  • You’ll pay any sum of money to have a pizza delivered to your room at 2:00 a.m.
  • Out of sheer desperation, you attempt to cook a grilled cheese sandwich on an iron.
  • Standing in line for half an hour to get a bowl of corn flakes is worth the wait.
  • While your mother lectures you over the phone, you take notes.

From terhune.net

Heeheehee :)

22 Oct

I wasn’t going to post today but I had to write this one quickly.

I don’t really have bad breath, honest.  That was just my little play on the word ‘gagging’ in yesterday’s post.  My dentist is not that rude.

But thank you all for being so quick to believe it was true.  I’m not offended.  Not offended at all…*

*Please get today’s joke and don’t make me write another explanation tomorrow, retracting this post.

 

Joke 943

22 Oct

Even more from the top fifty jokes of all time

ATT00076 Cat joke cartoon

ATT00076 Cat joke cartoon (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

*

You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.

Stewart Francis

Last week my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well.  I can’t believe it actually worked.

Anonymous

I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

Will Marsh

I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.

Emo Phillips

So I said to a Scotsman, ‘Did you have terrible spots as a kid?’

He said ‘Och, nay.’

Anonymous

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