Archive | November, 2013

The Winding Up Begins

30 Nov
English: Joke shield of Princess Beatrice of York.

English: Joke shield of Princess Beatrice of York. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I tell the last few jokes of the challenge, I thought it would be fun to share some of my favourites of the previous jokes.

Every day, I will post a new joke and an old joke.  I’m sure you won’t mind.

I’ll share this joke to start the ball rolling; it’s one of my favourites simply because it’s Joke 1, posted on March 25, 2011.  It’s actually rubbish but I have a sentimental fondness for it:

*

*In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.”

Paul replied. “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.”

“Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?”

“To get the best mark possible,” said Paul.

*

From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 982

30 Nov
Coffee flowchart at the office

Coffee flowchart at the office (Photo credit: supercooper)

A couple argue about who should make the coffee in the morning.

Wife: I think you should do it because you get up first.

Husband: The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking so you know where everything is. I think you should make the coffee.

Wife: No way.  You should do it. The Bible even says so.

She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through, and points to the appropriate section: “Hebrews”

funny pictures

funny pictures (Photo credit: Philippe Lin)

From ajokeaday.com

Just So You Know…

29 Nov
scary candy

scary candy (Photo credit: bunchofpants)

…I don’t want to frighten you, but there are only twenty more jokes to be told before I reach my target of telling a joke a day for 1001 days.

I thought I’d better mention it.

Joke 981

29 Nov

Thanks to Siggi of Maine for forwarding these. The original author is Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA.

*

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.  

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

funny doctors and nurse

funny doctors and nurse (Photo credit: ReSurge International)

 
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. 

‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

Happy Thanksgiving

28 Nov

From ahajokes

We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK but I have had lots of nice news lately so I saved it up for today.

Tory Boy was headhunted

He received a phone call out of the blue from the office of the MP he helped get elected in Lancaster in 2010, offering him a job.

Although he loves working in production, he’s fed up where he’s living because he works peculiar hours and hasn’t had a chance to make friends; and he’s still in lodgings at 23.  As he intends to have a political career at some point, it seems like a good move; particularly as he has lots of friends in Lancaster and knows the area well.  

Of course, the job is only guaranteed for eighteen months, because there’s an election coming up.  If ever there was an incentive to get someone re-elected, it’s having him as your boss.  He was smart to hire TB.

He will be home for a week before starting his new job in mid-December.  That’s the bit I really like.

Spud had his first offer

Of a place at University, from  Birmingham.  He is delighted, although Sheffield is his first choice.

Birmingham is a good university.  The only negative is that he’s afraid he might start speaking with the local accent.  The thought horrifies him.

I found a lump

Which turned out to be another lymph node.

It is ALWAYS better to get these things checked.  You will avoid unnecessary anguish and sleepless nights.

Today is my brother’s birthdayKev & Jabba

Happy birthday, Brother-who-never-reads-my-blog; and congratulations on surviving childhood with me for a sister.

You readers all know me as a good girl; but when we were kids our parents owned a little grocery shop.  Bwnrmb and I slept in one attic and boxes of crisps slept in the other.  Having two years’ seniority, I used to send him to forage for our midnight feasts…and I never got caught…

I don’t mind saying ‘sorry’ now, because he won’t read my apology (he ranks somewhere in the region of the Hub in my list of people I can offend without a thought).

Sorry for all the spankings you took on my behalf.

Not.

Doctor Who

The fiftieth anniversary episode: The Day of the Doctor.

Need I say more?

Amazon

In Protest: 150 Poems for Human Rights

My complimentary copy arrived.  I read it.  Powerful, moving, evocative and provocative.

I feel honoured to be included.  

I learned two new words

I love them:

snollygoster   Noun: Slang. a clever, unscrupulous person

borborygmus  Noun: a rumbling or gurgling sound caused by the movement of gas in the intestines

Perfect descriptions of the uninvited guest on Thanksgiving, don’t you think?

Amazon

Writing Our Faith

Another book I’m in…and the editor used my piku on the back cover. Shriek!

The Hub

Because he’s a great husband.

But you know the drill…don’t tell him I said so.

eattt fanksgiving

eattt fanksgiving (Photo credit: jelene)

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Joke 980

28 Nov
Marriage Proposal Cartoon

Marriage Proposal Cartoon (Photo credit: Mr. Daniel Ted Feliciano)

A man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

*

From paradigmsearch.hubpages.com

Joke 979

27 Nov
donkey

donkey (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?’

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with the dead donkey?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

Chuck now works on Wall Street.

*

From paradigmsearch.hubpages.com/

%d bloggers like this: