The Winding Up Begins

English: Joke shield of Princess Beatrice of York. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I tell the last few jokes of the challenge, I thought it would be fun to share some of my favourites of the previous jokes.

Every day, I will post a new joke and an old joke.  I’m sure you won’t mind.

I’ll share this joke to start the ball rolling; it’s one of my favourites simply because it’s Joke 1, posted on March 25, 2011.  It’s actually rubbish but I have a sentimental fondness for it:

*

*In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.”

Paul replied. “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.”

“Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?”

“To get the best mark possible,” said Paul.

*

From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 982

Coffee flowchart at the office (Photo credit: supercooper)

A couple argue about who should make the coffee in the morning.

Wife: I think you should do it because you get up first.

Husband: The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking so you know where everything is. I think you should make the coffee.

Wife: No way.  You should do it. The Bible even says so.

She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through, and points to the appropriate section: “Hebrews”

funny pictures (Photo credit: Philippe Lin)

From ajokeaday.com

Just So You Know…

scary candy (Photo credit: bunchofpants)

…I don’t want to frighten you, but there are only twenty more jokes to be told before I reach my target of telling a joke a day for 1001 days.

I thought I’d better mention it.

Joke 981

Thanks to Siggi of Maine for forwarding these. The original author is Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA.

*

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.  

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

funny doctors and nurse (Photo credit: ReSurge International)

 
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. 

‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

Happy Thanksgiving

From ahajokes

We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK but I have had lots of nice news lately so I saved it up for today.

Tory Boy was headhunted

He received a phone call out of the blue from the office of the MP he helped get elected in Lancaster in 2010, offering him a job.

Although he loves working in production, he’s fed up where he’s living because he works peculiar hours and hasn’t had a chance to make friends; and he’s still in lodgings at 23.  As he intends to have a political career at some point, it seems like a good move; particularly as he has lots of friends in Lancaster and knows the area well.  

Of course, the job is only guaranteed for eighteen months, because there’s an election coming up.  If ever there was an incentive to get someone re-elected, it’s having him as your boss.  He was smart to hire TB.

He will be home for a week before starting his new job in mid-December.  That’s the bit I really like.

Spud had his first offer

Of a place at University, from  Birmingham.  He is delighted, although Sheffield is his first choice.

Birmingham is a good university.  The only negative is that he’s afraid he might start speaking with the local accent.  The thought horrifies him.

I found a lump

Which turned out to be another lymph node.

It is ALWAYS better to get these things checked.  You will avoid unnecessary anguish and sleepless nights.

Today is my brother’s birthday

Happy birthday, Brother-who-never-reads-my-blog; and congratulations on surviving childhood with me for a sister.

You readers all know me as a good girl; but when we were kids our parents owned a little grocery shop.  Bwnrmb and I slept in one attic and boxes of crisps slept in the other.  Having two years’ seniority, I used to send him to forage for our midnight feasts…and I never got caught…

I don’t mind saying ‘sorry’ now, because he won’t read my apology (he ranks somewhere in the region of the Hub in my list of people I can offend without a thought).

Sorry for all the spankings you took on my behalf.

Not.

Doctor Who

The fiftieth anniversary episode: The Day of the Doctor.

Need I say more?

Amazon

In Protest: 150 Poems for Human Rights

My complimentary copy arrived.  I read it.  Powerful, moving, evocative and provocative.

I feel honoured to be included.  

I learned two new words

I love them:

snollygoster   Noun: Slang. a clever, unscrupulous person

borborygmus  Noun: a rumbling or gurgling sound caused by the movement of gas in the intestines

Perfect descriptions of the uninvited guest on Thanksgiving, don’t you think?

Amazon

Writing Our Faith

Another book I’m in…and the editor used my piku on the back cover. Shriek!

The Hub

Because he’s a great husband.

But you know the drill…don’t tell him I said so.

eattt fanksgiving (Photo credit: jelene)

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Joke 980

Marriage Proposal Cartoon (Photo credit: Mr. Daniel Ted Feliciano)

A man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

*

From paradigmsearch.hubpages.com

Joke 979

donkey (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?’

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with the dead donkey?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

Chuck now works on Wall Street.

*

From paradigmsearch.hubpages.com/

I Have The Cruellest Readers

Here are my doppelgängers, as per your mocking:

Salvador Dali

English: Salvador Dali with ocelot and cane. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As suggested by Gabrielle.

The Laughing Housewife

Hercule Poirot

Hercule Poirot (Photo credit: elena-lu)

As suggested by Patrecia and Laurie

When I said no compliments…

Joke 978

Understanding Women (Photo credit: Graela)

*

If a man states an opinion and there is no woman to hear it, is he still wrong?

*

From paradigmsearch.hubpages.com

Weekly Photo Challenge: Unexpected

I went to my church Christmas Fair on Saturday and chatted to a friend who was on face painting duty.

Want your face painted? she joked.

No thanks, I laughed.

Then I remembered my 101/1001 task to say yes to new experiences…and here is the result:

(I’m also doing my bit for Movember)

And yes, shocking as it is, I have lived fifty years without ever having my face painted.  How about you?

Joke 977

Q. Where do you find a one-legged dog?

Funny Dog Pictures – Frisbee Dog Hits Tree (Photo credit: Alex Jarvis)

A. Where you left it.

*

From paradigmsearch.hubpages.com

Joke 976

Marital Blitz (1959) … Top Tracks for Rod Stewart …item 1c.. Maggie May …item 2.. How to keep your marriage vibrant after many years. (December 16, 2012 / 3 Tevet 5773) … (Photo credit: marsmet546)

“Honey,” says a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess. I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.” 

*

From ajokeaday.com

Joke 975

Types of computer viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Trojan-Horse illustration (Photo credit: HikingArtist.com)

Airline virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we’re not exactly sure what it does.

Congressional Virus:The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus 1: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus 2: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn’t do anything, but you can’t get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro-organism”.

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the “Tricky Dicky Virus”.  You can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

 

101/1001 (Week 139)

I Need a Doctor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Apologies for my absence during the past two weeks; I’ve been feeling under the weather.

First, an urgent announcement for Doctor Who fans: check out today’s Google Doodle.  But don’t blame me if you lose three hours of your life.

Now for the update.

I have completed quite a few tasks:

Lose some weight.  More than a little; less than a lot. 

11kgs/24.2508lbs so far!

Get the first series of Glee on dvd

£1 for the set at my church summer fair! Such a bargain made me feel a little…gleeful 🙂

Write 1001 new poems (1089/1001)

88 over the odds and there are still 37 days to go! I’m thrilled to have reached this goal.

Go to the theatre

I’d have been happy with once; four times in five months was just wonderful, dahlings.

Learn the names of the New Testament books as they appear

Done. I could recite them for you but I don’t think you’ll hear me over there.

Learn the names of all the Kings & Queens of England in order

Done. From Egbert to QEII. This one was great fun.

No, really.

I have added a new task:

Make a video of me reciting all the lists I’ve learned and post it on my blog

The question is, will anyone watch it?

I can tell you now that I’m not going to complete all of the tasks by the end of the challenge, but I’m pleased with what I HAVE done.  

But what I’m really, really pleased about is that there are only 37 days left until the whole damn thing is over.

 

Joke 974

Paradise-Wireless illustration (Photo credit: HikingArtist.com)

Sad Cartoon versus Technology (Photo credit: Sean Loyless)

– How do trees get on the Internet?

They log in.

– What do computers like to eat?
Chips.

– What do you call a space magician?
A flying saucerer.

–

What is a computer’s first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.

– What is an astronaut’s favourite key on the computer keyboard?
The space bar.

– What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

It slipped a disk.

– Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.

– How did the mouse get out of the Cathedral?
He clicked on an icon and opened a window.

– What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?
A URLologist.

– Have you heard about the Disney virus?
It makes everything on your computer go Goofy.

– What happened when a dragon breathed on several Macintosh computers?
He wound up with baked Apples.

– Why did the chicken cross the Web?
To get to the other site.

*

From elon.edu