Joke 959

[victorian child care] (Photo credit: RHiNO NEAL)

To pre-empt the complaint that the jokes are getting older as we near the magic 1001 number, my friend Steph sent me some really old jokes – they are all Victorian, found at historytoday.com

• Why is a dog like a tree? Because they both lose their bark once they’re dead.
• “See here, wait, I’ve found a button in my salad.” “That’s all right, sir, it’s part of the dressing.”
• Marriage is an institution intended to keep women out of mischief and get them into trouble.
• Why are circus horses the slowest breed? Because they are taught horses.
• Who is the greatest chicken-killer in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did murder most foul.
• If William Penn’s aunts kept a pastry shop, what would be the prices of their pies? The pie-rates of Penn’s Aunts.
• Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company? Because it is two gross.
• Doesn’t it make you dizzy to waltz? Yes, but one must get used to it, you know. It’s the way of the whirled.
• WIFE: “You loved me before we were married!”  HUSBAND: “Well, now it’s your turn!”
• Pawnbrokers prefer customers without any redeeming qualities.
• Moving in unfashionable circles: wearing a crinoline.
• Why is a manuscript always called a MS.? Because that is the state in which the editor finds it.
• If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven’t got a notion.
• A lady wrote the following letters at the bottom of her flour barrel: O I C U R M T.
• Why is the devil riding a mouse like one and the same thing? Because it is synonymous.
• “I have the best wife in the world,” said the long-suffering husband. “She always strikes me with the soft end of the broom.”
• What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman? One is a hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander.