Joke 968

• Ronnie Corbett:  Do you think marriage is a lottery?  Ronnie Barker:  No.  With a lottery you do have a slight chance.
• A strange thing happened during a performance of Elgar’s Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight.  The man playing the triangle disappeared.
• The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.
• The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
• Have you heard the one about the retired general who said he had not had sex since 1956? His friend said, ‘That’s a long time ago.’ ‘I don’t know, ‘the general replied.’ It’s only 20.27 now.’
• Next week we’ll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake.
• We’ll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We’ve already noticed a definite swing to the left.
• In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.
• Following the dispute with the domestic servants’ union at Buckingham Palace today, the Queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted the cloakroom and vacuumed the lounge.
• The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies. 

From Will & Guy