Joke 968

16 Nov

  • Ronnie Corbett:  Do you think marriage is a lottery?  Ronnie Barker:  No.  With a lottery you do have a slight chance.
  • A strange thing happened during a performance of Elgar’s Sea Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight.  The man playing the triangle disappeared.
  • The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.
  • The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
  • Have you heard the one about the retired general who said he had not had sex since 1956? His friend said, ‘That’s a long time ago.’ ‘I don’t know, ‘the general replied.’ It’s only 20.27 now.’
  • Next week we’ll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake.
  • We’ll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We’ve already noticed a definite swing to the left.
  • In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.
  • Following the dispute with the domestic servants’ union at Buckingham Palace today, the Queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted the cloakroom and vacuumed the lounge.
  • The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies. 

From Will & Guy

 

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18 Responses to “Joke 968”

  1. slpmartin November 16, 2013 at 05:25 #

    Oh my…some of those are…well…you know.

    Like

  2. Hattie November 16, 2013 at 07:35 #

    Couple of hearty LOLs there!

    Like

  3. Grannymar November 16, 2013 at 08:30 #

    ‘Lord of the Flies’ – If I had a penny for every time I replaced a fly zip.

    Like

  4. David J. Bauman November 16, 2013 at 12:28 #

    Loved the political nudists and the unemployed contortionist.

    Like

  5. SchmidleysScribbling November 16, 2013 at 13:36 #

    I’m assuming Ronnie Barker is the guy in the grey sweater…the customer. We’ve seen an older version of him over here in ‘Open All Hours’ with David ? (Jack Frost). We are getting all the BBC programs from the 70s, 80s, 90s, and current programs like Scott and Bailey….and Vera (who I love) on our local Public Television station. After years of listening to BBC programming (especially Granada which I think is located in Manchester) I am beginning to understand even the most obscure British accent.

    Gary Oldman was wrong when he said a Brit could learn any American accent and use it over here in movies and Americans would never know the difference. Ditto Brit accents. I can always detect a Brit playing an American. We don’t all sound like we came from Hoboken New Jersey or Mobile Alabama. Dianne

    PS And I know a South African or Aussie accent when I hear it. Canadians are harder to spot but they are detectable.

    Like

  6. Elaine - I used to be indecisive November 16, 2013 at 14:01 #

    Brilliant selection! It’s great to see the fork handles sketch again – so funny. 😀

    Like

  7. rumpydog November 16, 2013 at 18:28 #

    I’d not seen that video clip before. Thanks for sharing it.

    I had to laugh out loud at the Masons joke. Here in the US some of our more conservative citizens think the Masons conspire to rule the world, so you can see how it takes on an even funnier meaning!

    Like

  8. colonialist November 16, 2013 at 23:56 #

    I enjoyed this batch. Well seasoned. The triangle one took a few seconds to register …

    Like

  9. sharechair November 17, 2013 at 02:27 #

    funny group! My all time favorite British programs are two: The first “As Time Goes By”. Such a gentle, clever, wonderful feel good show. And then my personal indulgence (my husband can’t bear it) is Absolutely Fabulous. What does that say about me? Two extremes. 🙂

    Like

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