Joke 969

17 Nov

More from the Two Ronnies.

  • In a packed programme tonight, I shall be having a word with a man who goes in for meditation, because he thinks it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.
  • And we’ll be talking to a car designer who’s crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with The Hatchback of Notre Dame.
  • We had hoped to bring you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion.
  • The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister’s question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.
  • West Mersey Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.
  • Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred “Chuckles” Jenkins, Britain’s oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred’s jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.
  • There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.
  • The Metropolitan Police today denied that prisoners in their custody are excessively pampered. This follows yesterday’s report that a man was hustled out of New Scotland Yard with an electric blanket over his head.
  • And we’ve just heard that a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.
  • In the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned. 
  • Solomon F. Potts, America’s most persistent practical joker, was buried today. He’s not dead, it’s just the neighbours getting their own back.
  • My wife and I had a bit of a fight, there was some high-spirited name calling, and I stormed upstairs to fetch my birth certificate.

From IMDb

 

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8 Responses to “Joke 969”

  1. katharinetrauger November 17, 2013 at 04:11 #

    Totally marooned from laughing. 😉

    Like

  2. http://vivinfrance.wordpress.com November 17, 2013 at 08:32 #

    I love ’em all, even Ronnie C’s Mastermind, which I must have seen a dozen times.

    Like

  3. colonialist November 17, 2013 at 16:02 #

    Very clever. Awfully clever. Really awfully clever.

    Like

  4. SchmidleysScribbling November 17, 2013 at 20:24 #

    Roy Clarke and Ronnie Barker (Open All Hours)…love this series. Great fun!! LOve the ‘nut case’ joke.

    Like

  5. benzeknees November 20, 2013 at 18:43 #

    My favorite: The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister’s question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

    Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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