Joke 985

3 Dec

My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Putting on my wrinkle cream,” I answered.

“Oh,” she said, walking away. “I thought they were natural.”

From Readers Digest

Two more from the archive:


What do you call a cat that cuts your grass?

A lawn meower.

The Evolution Of Math

A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?

1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?

1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money.  The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1.  Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M.  The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set MC?

1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living?  In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.

1995 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

1998 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its foreign subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?

A nurse is giving a new intern a tour of the hospital.

The intern approaches one bedridden patient and asks, “Why are you here?”

The patient replies, “Wee sleket cowerin’ timrous beastie/O, what a panic is in thy breastie.”

The intern moves on to the next bed and asks the same question.  

The patient answers, “O, my luve’s like a red, red, rose that’s newly sprung in June.”

At the third bed the intern asks again, “Why are you here?” 

The third patient replies, “The best laid plans of mice and men, may often gang awry.”

At this, the intern turns to the nurse and asks, “What ward is this anyway?”

The nurse answers, “It’s the Burns Unit.”

[Tilly Bud math]


11 Responses to “Joke 985”

  1. slpmartin December 3, 2013 at 05:44 #

    Some very good ones in this series.


  2. katharinetrauger December 3, 2013 at 07:11 #

    Laughing all the way to my wee little beddie-bye! 🙂 Thanks for a smile as I brush my teeth! 🙂


  3. December 3, 2013 at 07:18 #

    I have an awful feeling that maths one is absolutey true! And in the Burns Unit, one of the patients shouldn’t be there, as he mis-quoted!


  4. Elaine - I used to be indecisive December 3, 2013 at 09:30 #

    Loved the maths one (so true) and the Burns unit one!


  5. sarsm December 3, 2013 at 11:05 #

    I have to share these ones (the maths one is particularly hilarious!!)


  6. Ron. December 3, 2013 at 11:14 #

    I am the Lorax. Goo-goo-ga-joob.


  7. December 3, 2013 at 12:27 #

    Laughed and laughed!


  8. sharechair December 3, 2013 at 13:27 #

    Oh!! I put on cream every day! Thanks to you….I now know what my problem is, and I’ll be stopping the moisturizing immediately. 🙂


  9. SchmidleysScribbling December 3, 2013 at 14:35 #

    In some schools, this progression in the instruction of math is true. Sickening isn’t it? Dianne who does not laugh at stupidity and government overreach….


  10. SchmidleysScribbling December 3, 2013 at 14:38 #

    PS and I grew up with a mama who constantly cited Burns…

    “Oh what God the giftee gee us to see ourselves as others see us.”


  11. SidevieW December 3, 2013 at 21:00 #

    noooo Burns unit


I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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