The first three jokes are from Reader’s Digest.
These holiday “headlines” — concocted by the satirists at the Onion — are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth.
• Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
• Study Finds Link Between Red Wine/Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
• Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
• Book Given as Gift Actually Read
My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.”
His response: “Receipts.”
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.
“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”
He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?”
And from the archive:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went camping. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of wine, they retired to their tent for the night. At about 3 a.m., Holmes nudged Watson and said, “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”
Holmes asked, “And what does that tell you?”
Watson replied, “Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it’s about 3 a.m. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes retorted, “It tells me someone stole our tent.”
And on a similar theme, this one is from real life.
The Hub: I fancy watching a new series coming on, Pet Detectives.
Spud: Do you know who solves the mysteries?
The Hub [walking straight into it]: No.
Spud: Sherlock Bones.