Joke 997

During a commercial airline flight a Navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “Gosh, that’s a good looking baby…and he sure was hungry!”

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.

The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “Damn! And all these years I’ve been chewing gum.”

 

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From strategypage.com

From the archive:

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School reports: the 15 best school reports submitted to the Telegraph letters page

• He has an overdeveloped unawareness.
• This boy does not need a Scripture teacher. He needs a missionary.
• About as energetic as an absentee miner.
• Unlike the poor, Graham is seldom with us.
• The improvement in his handwriting has revealed his inability to spell.
• For this pupil all ages are dark.
• The tropical forests are safe when John enters the woodwork room, for his projects are small and progress is slow.
• Henry Ford once said history is bunk. Yours most certainly is.
• Would be lazy but for absence.
• At least his education hasn’t gone to his head.
• He has given me a new definition of stoicism: he grins and I bear it.
• The stick and carrot must be very much in evidence before this particular donkey decides to exert itself.
• French is a foreign language to Fowler.
• Rugby: Hobbs has useful speed when he runs in the right direction.
• Give him the job and he will finish the tools.

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A man goes to the vet with his goldfish.  “It keeps having fits,” he tells the vet.

The vet examines it then says, “It looks okay to me.”

The man replies, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”

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I used to go out with a girl who worked at a petrol station.

When she dumped me, I couldn’t drive past her work place without filling up.

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An invisible man married an invisible woman.

Their kids are nothing to look at.

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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Why it’s good to be a man:

* You don’t have to change your last name.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You can never be pregnant.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* Your underwear is £10 for a three-pack.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original colour.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* You can do Christmas shopping for thirty relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.