- “Having a child is like getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed.” ~ Eat Pray Love screenplay
- “Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage.” ~ Marcelene Cox
- “Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” ~ Kally, age 9
- “How is it that I can start the day as Mary Poppins, only to end the day as Cruella Deville?” ~ Mom’s the Word: Remixed (stage play)
- “The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” ~ Lane Olinghouse
- “The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed.” ~ Author Unknown
- “Parents are not interested in justice; they are interested in quiet.” ~ Bill Cosby
- “There are three reasons for breast-feeding: the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can’t get it.” ~ Irena Chalmers
- “If your baby is beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time, you’re the grandma.” ~ Theresa Bloomingdale
- “Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.” ~ Bill Cosby
- “Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” ~ Bobby, Age 8
- “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” ~ Erma Bombeck
- “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” ~ Bill Cosby
- “If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says “keep away from children.” ~ Susan Savannah
- “People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” ~ Leo Burke
- “A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.” ~ Raymond Duncan
- “Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.” ~ Fran Lebowitz, Social Studies
- “Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.” ~ Bill CosbyLittle Girl on a Plane – Anonymous
From the archive:
A jobbing actor comes home to find his house has burned down. His sobbing, injured wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up so quickly. Everything is gone; we’ve lost everything! I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. The poor cat is—”
“Wait, wait! Back up a minute,” the actor says. “My agent called?”
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. “Play-Doh” and “microwave” should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.