Joke 999

Some funny No Parking signs (Photo credit: Scoobyfoo)

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.  Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.  Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery nails.

“I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I have to arrest you.”

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”

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From ahajokes

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From the archive:

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Funny Picture of Nun Religion (Photo credit: epSos.de)

You know you are addicted to your computer when… 

· All of your friends have an @ in their names.

· Your dog has its own home page.

· You can’t call your mother; she doesn’t have a modem.

· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

· You get a new suit that says, “This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher.”

· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.

· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

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“Deep Thoughts” by Computer Services #4 (Photo credit: Adam Melancon)

How to Write Good

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren’t necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don’t never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.

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Elephant on the computer (Photo credit: HikingArtist.com)

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
3. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
4. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
5. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
6. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
7. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
9. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
10. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute only to skydive twice.
11. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
12. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
13. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
14. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
15. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.